Idiots make poor (if realistic) criminals

Welcome to Collinwood (2002)
Starring: Isaiah Washington, William H. Macy, and Sam Rockwell
Directors: Anthony and Joe Russo
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Four down-and-out small-time thieves and hoods get their hands on a fool-proof heist plan. It's not exactly a "job of the century," but these are yutzes who think small, and who rarely have more than two pennies to run together, so the contents of a pawnbroker's safe is the take of a lifetime to them. Unfortunately, none of this little gang have two braincells to rub together either.


"Welcome to Collinwood" is populated with characters so pathetic that the viewer can't help but feel sorry for them. One also can't help but root for them to succeed in their sad little heist, although it is also certain that they're going to fail, because they're all so damn dumb. But they're not dumb in a screwball comedy kind of way... they're dumb in the way that real-life crooks are dumb. Where the characters of "Welcome to Collinwood" part with their realworld counterparts is that the would-be master-theives are, basically good and kindhearted; some of them are just too lazy for real work, while others are professional small-time crooks who are in dire straights. In the end, they turn out to fundamentally be decent, if thoroughly stupid, people.

I'm not 100% certain what kind of story the filmmakers wanted to tell with this movie, and I'm not sure they were either. If there had been a little more of a point to the film (other than "idiots make lousy criminals" as the film's tagline says), this might have been a Six-Star movie. I did enjoy watching it, I just wished there had been a little more to the film.

'Insomnia' is worth staying awake for

Insomnia (2002)
Starring: Al Pacino, Robin Williams, and Hillary Swank
Director: Chrstopher Nolan
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

In "Insomnia", a big city cop (Pacino) travels to a remote hamlet in Alaska to help solve the brutal rape and murder of a teenaged girl, and to avoid a brewing corruption scandal at home. While his mental state slowly deteriorates due to an inability to sleep in the eternal daylight above the Arctic Circle, he finds himself in a bizarre relationship of mutual blackmailing with the murderer (Williams) while the town's young deputy sheriff (Swank) slowly puts the puzzle together and closes in on both of them.


"Insomnia" is an American remake of a Scandinavian film by the same title, and, unlike the seemingly endless stream of remakes of recent Japanese and Chinese films that are all worse than the originals, this film stands up nicely in comparison. It's a tad too slow--the middle sags almost as bad as the Pacino character on this fourth or fifth day without any real sleep--but the actors are all great in their parts, the script is generally well-crafted, the setting is used to its full potential, and the ending is perfect.

I think people who enjoy thrillers will be happy staying up late to watch "Insomina".

Judges become vigilantes in 'The Star Chamber'

The Star Chamber (1983)
Starring: Michael Douglas, Hal Holbrook, Joe Regalbuto, Don Calfa, James B. Sikking, and Yaphet Kotto
Director: Peter Hyams
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When a Superior Court Judge (Douglas) grows frustrated with the U.S. legal system when he fiinds himself releasing obviously guilty criminals on technicalities, he is invited by his mentor (Holbrook) to join a secret society of judges who have taken it upon themselves to issue death penalties for the vilest of criminals who escape justice in their courts.


"The Star Chamber" is a thriller that will intrigue anyone who's ever shaken their head at the way the American courts seem to be slanted in favor of allowing criminals to, literally in some cases, get away with murder and those who believe firmly that the perfect justice system is the one that lets one hundred guilty men go free to avoid sending that one innocent man to prison. It offers food for thought no matter where you are on the political or philosophical spectrum.

Although it's more than 25 years since its release, the story in "The Star Chamber" is still relevant and vibrant and the film has a very contemporary feel to it. In fact, a lack of references to any what-was-then contemporary real-world situations means this film stands nearly undated. It's an undeservedly obscure thriller--has it ever been on TV?--that features good performances by all cast memebers, a decent script, and good cinematography. It's only serious flaw is that it's somewnat predictable.

'Warning Shots' is a film that hasn't aged well

Warning Shot (1967)
Starring: David Janssen, Keenan Wynn, Lillian Gish, Stephanie Powers, and George Grizzard
Director: Buzz Kulik
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When police detective Tom Valens (Janssen) shoots someone he believed to be armed and dangerous, but no weapon is found and the dead suspect turns out to be a much-loved, famously philathropic doctor, he finds himself on trial of manslaughter. Already found guilty by public opinion, Valens races against the clock--the start of his trail where he will certainly be found guilty and sent to prison--to figure out what happened to the gun he knows he saw, as well as figure out why such an esteemed person was behaving so suspiciously.


"Warning Shot" is a mildly interesting cross between a detective story and a courtroom drama. It's an interesting enough little story, but it suffers from the fact that the character of Tom Valens never really emerges from the generic "tough, honest cop innocently accused" template. Yeah, he lives off nothing but buttermilk, and he has a troubled marriage, but that's about it. Heck, we gain more insight into the character of the DA hell-bent on railroading Valens than we do into the character we're supposed to sympathize with.

There are certain parts of the film that haven't aged well--such as some "news-footage" included to illustrate how the public is leaping to the conclusion that Valens is some wacked-out, gun-happy cop who just blows people away willhe-nillhe. The inclusion of a stereotypical hippy had me giggling, although the filmmakers most certainly were not looking for that reaction. Overall, though, the film is worth seeing, but it's not particularly great, despite its line-up of great actors.

(As of this writing, "Warning Shots" is out of print, but it can probably be rented from any number of sources.)

John Candy is 'Armed and Dangerous'

Armed and Dangerous (1986)
Starring: John Candy, Eugene Levy, Meg Ryan, Robert Loggia and Kenneth McMillan
Director: Mark L. Lester
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A disgraced cop (Candy) and an incompetent lawyer (Levy) become friends after they take jobs as security guards to make ends meet. However, they are soon forced to rely upon each other for survival when they get caught up in the illegal dealings of the security company's owner (Loggia).


"Armed and Dangerous" is a fast-paced action comedy that careens from joke to joke, from screwball set-pieces to car chases with wild abandon. It features a fun collection of cartoony characters played by a cast that's mostly at the top of their game, but the film swerves so rapidly and severely through comedic styles that it gets in its own way and times, giving an impression that the writers and director didn't quite know what kind of movie they wanted to make. In some cases, it even feels like they didn't quite know what they wanted certain charaters to be.

The most obvious example of inconsistencies with the film's characters is in Maggie Cavanaugh, another employee of the security company and the manager's daugther, portrayed by Meg Ryan. In the earliest scenes she's in, she comes across either as ditzy or drunk, but later she apears quite intelligent (and there's no indication that the character hits the sauce to excess). She makes references to a bad marriage, but nothing ever comes of this in the film, nor is there ever any indication how she can afford the very large, very fancy house she lives in. All in all, the character is badly focused and developed, and, while it's most obivous with this character, the same is true of John Candy's Frank Dooley (who is alternatively very smart and very stupid, or very industrious or very lazy).

These lapses in good writing and firm direction detract from the overall cohesion of the film and lead to it being a good comedy as opposed to a great one. With just a little more effort on the part of the writers and the director, this could have been a classic, becauase John Candy and Eugene Levy are as good in this film as they've ever been.

'Charlie's Death Wish' is low-budget fun

Charlie's Death Wish (2005)
Starring: Phoebe Dollar, Ron Jeremy Hyatt, John Fava, and Marc Knudson
Director: Jeff Leroy
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

After her sister is murdered in prison, young Charlie Durham (Dollar) goes on a killing spree to avenge her, violently dispatching anyone connected to her death. Meanwhile, the police detective assigned to stop and catch her (Hyatt) finds himself in the awkward postion of admiring her handiwork, because she is mostly dispatching people he hates.


"Charlie's Death Wish" is a tongue-in-cheek, low-budget action/comedy that moves along at a pace so brisk that the generally weak acting, poor dialogue, and unfocused script almost become non-issues. For a violent, gory low-budgeter, this is a surprisingly well-done film.

But, it's not exactly good. With the exception of Ron Jeremy Hyatt and John Fava (who play a pair of police detectives on the trail of our vigilante heroine, the acting here is pretty amateurish--and this even includes the star, Phoebe Dollar. Dollar isn't exactly bad, but she doesn't have the skill to carry off scenes where she has to show emotion, such as the one where she is confronted by an obnoxious documentarian (a character who is a cross between Michael Moore and a freak who was once a mainstay of public access TV here in northwestern Washington named Richard Lee, played by Marc Knudson). Dollar can strut about and look sexy or tough. She can also manage menacing. But she can't handle angry, or even sad. At least not yet.

Watching Dollar in this film, there are glimmers of what she could become, acting-wise, if she sticks with it, and I'm sure she does just fine in smaller roles. (Her performance almost feels as if she's a stage actor in front of the camera for the first time--something I know isn't the case

Another problem with the film is the scattered focus of the script. It tries to tackle too many things--being an action film with comedic elements AND attempting to make fun of conspiracy theorist filmmakers AND making fun of the gun-loving subculture in the United States AND making fun of dopeheads and druglords. All of these elements COULD perhaps have been tackled comfortably if the script had gone through a couple more drafts, but as it exists, they are presented in a loosely connected jumble. The antics of the documentarian are particularly annoying, because for most of the film they are unconnected detours from Charlie's murderous rampage.

I've been harping on the film's weak points, but I want to stress that this is actually not a bad little movie. It was clearly made by a crew that understand the limitations of making a movie on a very tight budget, and they understand how to get the most for their special effect dollars and how to use lighting and editing to stretch those even further. What's more, the filmmakers don't waste any time, nor do they pad out the film with overlong establishing shots and other filler material; everything on the screen is there for a reason.

I was also impressed with the model effects in the film. There are two model/blue-screen sequences of the kind that I didn't think were still being used, and I suspect at least 1/4 of the film's budget was consumed by them. First, there is a street scene and exploding building that is incredibly well-done (the flying body and the accompanying scream is guarenteed to make you laugh). Then there's the fiery destruction of the Hollywood sign, another very well-done model effect. These are both very fun moments in the film, and they're also excellently done from a technical standpoint.

"Charlie's Death Wish" may not be on the level of even Jean-Claude Van Damme's latest, but it's worth checking out. (If noting else, it's guarenteed to be funnier than Seagal's latest.)

Bond targeted for death by world's top assassin

The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)
Starring: Roger Moore, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland, Herve Villechaize, Maud Adams, and Clifton James
Director: Guy Hamilton
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When British spy James Bond (Moore) learns someone has hired the world's most expensive assassin to kill him, he decides to take the fight to the shadowy killer. However, Bond soon discovers that Francisco Scaramanga (Lee), his midget partner in murder (Villechaize) and his exotic girlfriend Andrea Anders (Adams) actually have their sights set on a target more lucrative than even Britain's top Code-00 agent.


"The Man With the Golden Gun" is a beautfilly shot film that takes full advantage of the exotic China Sea islands, and in which Christopher Lee gives one of his career's best performances as the megalomaniacal assassin with a game room that matches both his ego and occupation. It's also got a pair of very beautiful women on prominant display in the film (Adams and Ekland), and it's got a story that's closer to being real-world in nature than any Bond since "From Russia With Love" (with the exception of certain elements). It's also got another fabulous score by John Barry.

However, the film is also strangely slow-moving and lethargic-feeling. I can't quite put my finger on why, but "Golden Gun" never seems to quite build up the steam that just about all the other James Bond films do. Even the awful Timothy Dalton entries had more fire in them. And with a great cast like this, and with the director that helmed "Live and Let Die", "Diamonds Are Forever" and the very best Bond movie "Goldfinger", this should have been a great entry in the series.

I suspect it might be a problem with the script. The sense of urgency and danger surrounding Bond's mission seems downplayed throughout the film, not really manifesting itself until the last 45 minutes or so, where in other Bond movies there interlocking mission arcs where each new one is more deadly and expansive than the one that went before.

Whatever the flaw here--and I really can't quite put my finger on it--this is a decent entry in the series, and it's worth seeing if you enjoyed "From Russia With Love". I think this is probably the other Bond movie in the series to which this "Golden Gun" can most closely be compared.

'Keeping Mum' is quirky comedy about murder and family values

Keeping Mum (2006)
Starring: Kristen Scott Thomas, Maggie Smith, Rowan Atkinson, Patrick Swayze and Tamsin Egerson
Director:Niall Johnson
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

The new house keeper (Smith) for a distracted country vicar (Atkinson) who is distracted to notice his marriage is failing, starts turning the household around like a real-life Mary Poppins. Unfortunately, she's a homicidal maniac... and that isn't the least of her secrets.


"Keeping Mum" is a dark comedy that's on the predictable side, but it elevated by excellent performances from its stars, most importantly by Rowan Atkinson, who is very different here than other roles you've likely seen him in. Maggie Smith also gives a performance different than what is typical for her--more subdued and restrained.

If you like British humor, and, more importantly, gallow's humor, this is a film worth checking out.

'The Tuxedo' is nothing but fun

The Tuxedo (2002)
Starring: Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt
Director: Kevin Donovan
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When a super-spy is injured by a car bomb, it's up to a deeply insecure new agent (Hewitt) and his hapless driver (Chan) to use his gadget-filled tuxedo in order to stop a plot to poison all the water in the world.


"The Tuxedo" is a fluffy excursion into fun for fun's sake, a James Bondian-spoof that's lighter than even the lightest Roger Moore-starring entries into that series. It's not a movie you want to think to hard about, but just one to sit back and laugh along with the characters (or laugh at the characters, since Jennifer Love Hewitt's poor character--so eager to prove herself she ends up making mistakes--is the butt of many of the film's jokes). Basically, this is a live-action cartoon with the characters about as deep and the story as complex as that implies.

There's not much to this movie, but what's here is decent enough. Jackie Chan is amusing in his role as a guy who needs to rely on a hi-tech tuxedo laced with micro-computers and biometric to do the stunts and martial arts tricks his characters usually do by themselves. Jennifer Love Hewitt is cute (although occassionally obnoxious) as a young woman who is just a little too desperate to prove herself.

It's necessarily a movie to go out of your way for, but if you're looking for an action/comedy you can watch with younger kids, this film might fit the bill.

'Presumed Innocent' is declared mediocre

Presumed Innocent (1990)
Starring: Harrison Ford, Brian Dennehy, Raul Julia, Bonnie Bedelia, John Spencer, and Paul Winfield
Director: Alan Pakula
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

As District Attorney Raymond Horga (Dennehy) fights for his political life, one of his prosecutors is brutally murdered. He assigns his chief deputy, Rusty Sabich (Ford) to investigate the case--an awkward situation for Rusty, as he recently ended an illicit affair with the murder victim. As evidence starts to emerge, Rusty and the homicide detective he is working with (Spencer) develop a theory that the prosecutor was murdered to cover up corruption in the D.A.'s office. However, even stronger evidence emerges that Rusty murdered the woman in a jealous rage, and he is soon arrested and made to stand trial. He hires Sandy Stern (Julia), a Perry Mason-like defense attorney, and together they pick their way through a maze of deceit, political double-dealings, and government corruption. Can even the mighty Sandy Stern find the key evidence to get hard-ass judge Larren Lyttle to dismiss the case against Rusty--particularly when evidence points to the judge possibly being one of the corrupt officials?


"Presumed Innocent" is a so-so courtroom drama, weighed down by a too-slow first act, and a cast that seems almost as if it is sleepwalking through the movie. Ford, Dennehy, and Bedelia seem particuarly listless. Out of the entire cast, only Spencer, Julia, and Winfield seem to display any energy at all--with the latter two being particularly fun in their roles once the movie shifts into the courtroom.

On the upside, "Presumed Innocent" plays fair with the audience as far as the "whodunnit" aspect of the film goes, and I always appreciate a film that's confident enough in its story to do that. The film gives the audience so many clues and hints that I guessed the identity of the murderer and why and how well before the movie gave us the "big revelation"... but that was actually okay, because it does a good job of giving enough alternate suspects that I doubted my conclusion. The ending also played so well that I minded solving the mystery at the beginning of the second act even less.

I'm a tremendous fan of courtroom dramas, and I enjoy watching them. "Presumed Innocent" had just enough problems to knock it down to the low side of average. It's a shame, because it should have been a full-fledged winner.

Sherlock Sunday:Holmes against the Nazi Voice of Terror

Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror (1942)
Starring: Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Henry Daniell, Thomas Gomez and Reginald Denny
Director: John Rawlins
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

As Hitler's armies devour mainland Europe, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (Rathbone and Bruce) are retained by British Intelligence to stop the activities of Nazi saboteurs being coordinated by the mysterious Voice of Terror in radio broadcasts that hijack the British airwaves once a week. Holmes soon comes to suspect that the broadcasts portent something far more sinister and dangerous than the horrific acts of terrorist... and that the enemy within England itself is more powerful than dreamed of in the worst nightmares.



Loosely based on Conan Doyle's "His Final Bow" (where Holmes came out of retirement to catch a German spy at the beginning of WW1) and the real-life Nazi propaganda broadcasts that overrode BBC signals during the early 1940s, "Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror" is the first of a dozen Holmes movies starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce that transports the Great Detective and his loyal sidekick to modern day England. (Modern-day being the 1940s.)

Holmes' methods receive a slight upgrade--the key to unlocking the mystery behind how the Voice of Terror is able to coordinate the broadcasts and the sabotage involves analyzing different types of broadcast with cutting edge audio equipment--he trades in his deerstalking cap and tweed cape for an fedora and overcoat, and the speed of modern travel and communication also impacts the story, but overall the character of Holmes is as it's found in the pages of Doyle.

Although partly a war-time propaganda movie--the kind that I've lamented aren't made anymore, what with American filmmakers preferring to glorify those who would take away their freedom rather than those who defend it--with the patriotic speeches and dastardly Nazi villains that encompasses, the film sets the tone for most of the Universal efforts that will follow. Holmes is a renegade genius, Watson is a doddering moron that seems like he is going senile (even if he isn't quite as dimwitted here as he seems in later pictures), and the villains are of a stripe that would make even the worst of the worst that inhabited the pages of pulp fiction magazines in the 1930s give them a wide berth. But the stories are exciting and fun, so the bad treatment of Watson can be overlooked... as well as the absolutely rediculous hair style that Holmes sports in these early Universal films. (Transporting Holmes to modern-day was the idea of Basil Rathbone who felt the Victorian era was too old fashioned, so I wonder if he was also the genius behind that awful hair.)

While Watson as a ninny didn't originate with the Rathbone/Bruce pictures--there were hints of it as far back as the Arthur Wontner pictures--but it was these pictures that solidified the approach as "standard." The same is true of Holmes as nearly 100% hands-off as far as physical altercations go; when a brawl breaks out between Nazi agents and Limehouse ruffians hired by Holmes as muscle, you almost get the sense that Holmes is afraid to get in the middle of the fight. The Rathbone Holmes seems like he would never throw a punch but would instead leave it to others even in the most dire of situations, so it is with these films that the idea that a "action-oriented" Holmes isn't truthful to Doyle began.

The strong presence of these somewhat legacies aside in this film doesn't really harm the entertainment value, however. The story is too fast paced for anything but Holmes bad hair to distract from the fun, and excellent performances by the stars and supporting cast only made it that much better.


Basil Rathbone is excellent as always as Sherlock Holmes (even if I will always prefer Peter Cushing's portrayal) and Nigel Bruce is solid as the comic relief, perhaps even moreso than in future sequels as less of the humor is at the expense of his character than will become the norm. Other standout performances are delivered by Henry Daniell (who will return to the series again and again, as a different villainous character almost every time) and Reginald Denny as power-brokers in British Intelligence, either of which could be a double-agent and the Voice of Terror himself. Finally, Evelyn Ankers has a small but important part as a Limehouse bar girl who helps Holmes track the Voice of Terror's main operative for deeply personal reasons.

Universal started the film with a title card that described the character of Sherlock Holmes as timeless, a character that works equally well in his "native world" of late 19th century London or the "modern day" of the 1940s. This film, and the sequels that followed--several of which saw Holmes cross wits with Nazis and their agents--show this to be true. Heck, they even make a person wonder what Holmes might do with the Internet and modern science if he were to be transported to the PRESENT modern day.

'Half Past Dead' is enjoyable crap

Half Past Dead (2002)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Ja Rule, Morris Chestnut, Kurupt, Nia Peeples, Bruce Weitz, and Claudia Christian
Director: Don Michael Paul
Steve's Rating: Five of Ten Stars

There are some films that I know are crap, yet I enjoy watching them for one reason or another. "Half Past Dead" is one of those.

In "Half Past Dead", FBI agent Sasha Petrosevitch (Seagal) goes undercover in a brand-new, hi-tech prison and runs afoul a plot to break out a deathrow inmate (Weitz) who knows the location of 200 million dollars of stolen gold.



The story is far-fetched and highly illogical in the way it unfolds, the action sequences thrilling but unrealistic to the point where they become goofy, the dialogue is awful, and the acting is even worse. (Steven Seagal should have done more movies more movies with rappers who are trying to pass themselves off as actors... they make him look like he's delivering an Oscar-worthy performance.)

This is a rediculous action movie any way you look at it, but I have a great time whenever I watch it.


The film will also forever hold a soft spot in my heart, because it was the first time I had a firm visual for what it looks like when some near-human aliens from my long-running "Star Wars Roleplaying Game" campaign gets into a fight. I will never tire of watching the Nia Peeples wire-fu scene for that reason.

"Half Past Dead" is highly recommended if you're looking to add an action film to the line-up of a Bad Movie Night... but it's not good for much else. The Five Rating it's getting is a very low Five.

While this was a better film that "On Deadly Ground", it's still pretty damn awful, and it was another rung in the ladder that brought reduced him to direct-to-DVD stardom. (Seagal likes to blame an FBI investigation, but the blame is found far closer to home than he probably wants to admit.)

'The Last Boy Scout' is decent Buddy Flick

The Last Boy Scout (1991)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans, Danielle Harris, Noble Willingham, Bruce McGill, and Halle Berry
Director: Tony Scott
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Privvate detective Joe Hallenbeck (Willis) and his partner Mike (McGill) are hired to protect a stripper named Cory (Berry). When Mike is murdered in a car-bombing, and Cory is gunned down in the street, Joe teams up with Corey's boyfriend, a former pro-football player named Dix (Wayans) to uncover the reasons behind the killings. What they discover is that there is deep-seated corruption that infests both local politics and professional sports... and that the deaths of Mike and Corey are only the beginning.


"The Last Boy Scout" is a decent action movie with a script that has better dialogue than most, a superb cast, and a nice selection of subplots that humanize our heroes without slowing down the movie. Fans of the principle stars--Willis and Wayans--will enjoy their performances in this movie. General action fans should find it to their liking as well.

Given the love Hollywood has for sequels, I'm a bit surprised that we didn't get "The Last Boy Scout 2". The end of the film seems to beg for one, and it would be a lot easier to pull off than the sequels to "Die Hard".

They CAN'T make them like they used to

The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)
Starring: Woody Allen, Helen Hunt, Dan Aykroyd, and David Ogden Stiers
Director: Woody Allen
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

An insurance investigator (Allen) becomes an unaware, remote-controlled jewel thief after a clever crook (Stiers) hypnotises him. To clear his name, he turns to a female executive at his firm (Hunt), but the situation only gets worse because she has also been hypnotized by the same crook.


"The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" features a screenplay that might have been written in 1939. The goofy comedy/mystery plot, the patter, the humor, the romantic entanglements, the pacing of the film... it's all a throwback to the period in which the story is set. Unfortunately, the one thing that isn't up to the cinematic period this film is a homage to is the acting.

Don't get me wrong. The acting here is decent enough for a modern movie, but it's not the kind of acting the script and the film needed (never mind that the director and screen writer are the same person). This material calls for talents like John Howard, Heather Angel, Cary Grant, Bud Abbott, and Katharine Hepburn. The problem is, there simply aren't actors like them anymore, although there are a small handful who come close. None are cast in the leads here, however.

"The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" tries to be a movie of the kind they, literally, don't make anymore. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

In the end, it's a film that Woody Allen fans will appreciate (I suspect... I'm not a big fan of his work myself, so it's hard for me to judge), but fans of the lighthearted mysteries from the 1930s and 1940s it's emulates (like me) will be disappointed, as the film is nowhere near as good as the potential in the script.

All-star cast can't give this movie heart

Lies and Alibis (2006)
Starring: Steve Coogan, Rebecca Romijn, Sam Elliot, Henry Rollins, James Marsden, James Brolin, Selma Blair, and John Leguizamo
Directors: Matt Checkowski and Kurt Mattila
Rating: 5 of 10 Stars

Retired con-man Ray Elliot (Coogan) is running a successful business that establishes alibis and covers for husbands and wives who cheat on their spouses. It is a good life... until one of his clients (Marsden) murders his lover. Ray must find a way to deal with the police, the blackmailers, and even his own past when it comes back to haunt in him the form of eccentric assassin The Mormon (Elliot). To top off the total collapse of Ray's quiet retirement, he may be falling in love with his new executive assistant (Romijn).


"Lies and Alibis" is a light-weight comedy that follows the pattern of all good caper and "Big Con" movies. It's got a collection of fine actors, who each portray quirky characters (with Sam Elliot as the Latter-Day Saint polygamist assassin and his sidekick Henry Rollins; Brolin and Marsden as obnoxious wealthy father and son who make Elliot's The Mormon character look almost like a decent guy, because at least The Mormon seems to have some semblance of honor; and Leguizamo as an innocent bystander who gets caught up in the events, being the most fun to watch. Top-billed stars Coogan and Romijn are okay, and they play well off each other in the scenes they share, but it's the other cast members who make this movie entertaining.

I don't say this very often, but I think this film would have been better served if it had been ten or fifteen minutes longer. The perfect storm of Bad News that forms around Ray and his carefully constructed multi-layered con that ultimately extracts him from it, take so much time to set up that we only skim the surfaces of just about every character in the film. We gain some insight into Ray, but even though he's narrating events constantly, he still keeps most of his secrets from us. (This makes the twist ending to the film and Ray's final exit from his current life, a little bit of a cheat, even if it is set up in plain view as the final 15-20 minutes of the movie unfolds.) Everyone else, however, remain total mysteries, particularly Romijn's character, who is so ill-defined I can't even remember her name.

What we have here is a nicely executed bit of plot machinery, but the film has no heart.

"Lies and Alibis" is like those animatronic displays they used to have at Disneyland (and they may still... it's been 30 years since I've been there)... everything in it comes with perfect timing, but there's no humanity or personality here. Despite good performances by all the actors involved, despite a neatly executed caper and con-game plot, I still felt unsatisfied when the end of the movie came, because there was nothing to get involved with emotionally.

FBI uses movie dreams in 'The Last Shot'

The Last Shot (2004)
Starring: Matthew Broderick and Alec Baldwin
Director: Jeff Nathanson
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A wanna-be screenwriter/director (Broderick) has all his dreams come true when a movie producer (Baldwin) offers him the movie deal of movie deals. However, the movie production is actually the central part of an elaborate sting operation against the east coast crime families.


"The Last Shot" is an interesting, if uneven and only sporadically funny comedy that is loosely based upon a real life FBI operation where an undercover agent mounted a film production in an attempt to catch mobsters associated with John Gotti. It's not a crime comedy, however, but merely uses the framework to poke fun at Hollywood stereotypes while ultimately delivering a message about how hopes and dreams enrich all our lives.

The film succeeds almost entirely due to the charisma of its two leads, as well as their acting abilities; they pair make an excellent on-screen pair and their presense is enough to get the viewers through the film's slow points. Baldwin has rarely been better than he is in this film, as the calculating undercover agent who finds himself becoming enamoured and inspired by a hapless losers dream of making movies.

This is not a must-see movie, but Broderick and Baldwin's performances, as well as Joan Cusack, Calista Flockhart, and Tony Shalhoub in small but hilarious supporting roles, make it a movie that's nonetheless worth checking out.

To-do list unites strangers in 'Underworld'

Underworld (1997)
Starring; Denis Leary, Joe Mantegna, Annabella Sciorra and Larry Bishop
Director: Roger Christian
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Johnny Crown (Leary) is back on the streets after seven years in prison. Armed with a new name and a new outlook on life, he sets about tracking down everyone who had even the slightest involvement with the death of his gang-boss father. Along the way, he picks up the enigmatic Frank Gavilan (Mantegna), and, despite Gavilan's initial insistence that he doesn't know Johnny, their shared history--and shared destiny--is gradually revealed. Will Gavilan be added to the ever-growing number of dead bodies that Johnny is leaving in his wake, or does Gavilan fit somewhere else on Johnny's "Things To Do Tonight" list?


"Underworld" is a strange movie. The back cover on the DVD compares it to "Pulp Fiction" and "The Usual Suspects", but, aside from a never-ending stream of banter and fitting into the general category of a crime film, it resembles neither of those films. In fact, drawing that comparison does the movie a disservice... but given that Johnny Crown's name is misspelled on the back cover, I doubt the copywriter even cared enough to watch the entire movie.

This is a film that is ALMOST good... and although I am giving it a Six rating, it's on the verge of a being a Five. I think that another few passes on the script, or maybe some more work in the editing room, and it could have been a Seven or Eight. That same might also be true if the two main actors were capable of... well, more acting. I enjoy both Leary and Mantegna very much, but both are actors of limited range and neither really stretch themselves here.

Parts of the movie would have made more sense if it had been clearer sooner that Johnny and Frank really HAVE known each other since childhood; as things stand, a number of things seem very baffling, because Frank's assertion of not knowing who Johnny is seems genuine, while Johnny's continued talk about wanting to help Frank and being "the best friend ever" simply come across as so much insane, threatening chatter. (Mantegna being the rock-solid, always down-to-earth guy, and Leary always seeming like he's ready to snap and carve up a bus full of nuns with a knife.

The vagueness of Frank and Johnny's relationship is only part of what makes this film confusing to watch. There are a number of characters whose actions are so extreme that even rampant psychosis can't explain it; if the characters really were as crazy as they come across, they would have been dead long before they appeared on screen in the film. Some of it (like the going-ons at a nightclub called the Blue Danube) feels more like a parody of this sort of film noir/crime drama film than seems right for what surrounds it. Parts of the ending have the same sort of parody feel to them.

The one thing that runs through all of "Underworld" is a strange, dreamlike quality. The randomness with which things happen and the characters move from encounter to encounter, the bizarreness of how just about every character in the film behaves (even bedrock Joe Mantegna... because he's almost too calm and unemotional through everything), and the lack of apparent consequence to anything that happens... it all adds up to a film that has a very unreal quality about it. And that unreal quality ends up making the film worth watching, despite the unevenness in how it treats its subject matter.

I give this film a cautious recommendation. It's not a great movie, but it's worth seeing for the odd sense of dreaminess it manages to invoke throughout. I think it's worth seeing if you like crime dramas or quirky movies of any genre. (It's also worth it if you like Leary's standard schtick.)

As of this writing, "Underworld" is out of print both on DVD and VHS.

John Wayne fails to impress in 'Brannigan'

Brannigan (aka "Joe Battle") (1975)
Starring: John Wayne, Richard Attenborough, Judy Geeson, Mel Ferrer, John Vernon, and Daniel Pilon
Director: Douglas Hickox
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Lone-wolf Chicago police detective Jim Brannigan (Wayne) is sent to England to retrieve his bail-jumping arch-nemesis, mob boss Ben Larkin (Vernon) under an extradition agreement. However, on the very day Brannigan arrives in London, Larkin is kidnapped and held for ransom by a team of highly skilled professional criminals. Brannigan finds himself forced to not only work with detectives from Scotland Yard (Attenborough and Geeson), but also Larkin's slimy attorney (Ferrer) in order to secure the safe return of the criminal-turned-victim. Unfortunately, Brannigan is being stalked by a determined hitman (Pilon) that Larkin hired before being kidnapped, and someone within the ranks of either Scotland Yard or Larkin's gang is playing both sides.


"Brannigan" is a movie with a fabulous cast, witty dialogue, and a fairly decent concept at its heart. It's even a very somewhat clever caper story with the kidnapping and the plot and counter plots surrounding the ransom drops. All of these good traits are squandered on a script that's predictable at every turn (even by 1975 standards, I venture, as some of the "twists" were old for crime dramas by 1940 and others are telegraphed too far in advance) and a film that's overlong and padded with establishing shots that go on for ever and ever (in some cases with bewilderingly dramatic music playing).

It's really a shame, because there was a lot that could have been done with with the very interesting cast of characters here, all being portrayed by top-notch actors. In fact, the British police detectives (Attenborough's Sir Charles and Geeson's Det. Sgt. Jennifer Thatcher) are more interesting than Wayne's Brannigan character. If a little more had been done with Tatcher, Sir Charles--or even with Brannigan's WW2 history in London--this film would have been so much stronger.

In the final analysis, "Brannigan" emerges as a slightly below average police drama that even John Wayne's biggest fans can probably put off seeing.





(Trivia: John Wayne was offered the part of Dirty Harry before it went to Clint Eastwood.)

Sherlock Sunday:A horse brings murder to Baskerville Hall

Murder at the Baskervilles (aka "Silver Blaze") (1937)
Starring: Arthur Wontner, Ian Fleming, Lyn Harding, John Turnbull Lawrence Grossmith and Arthur Goullett
Director: Thomas Bentley
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (Wontner and Fleming) are spending some quiet time in the country at the home of their old friend Sir Henry Baskerville (Grossmith) when an attempt to fix a race involving Sir Henry's prize horse Silver Blaze leads to a double murder.


Although this was Arthur Wontner's final outing as Sherlock Holmes--after a string of five films that caused critics of the day to describe him as the perfect screen Sherlock Holmes--I am choosing to make it the first of his films that I include in the Sherlock Sunday line-up, because of my love of continuity. Story-wise, it seems like it is best placed before the other Wontner Holmes films currently easily available, because it has him still actively employed as a detective and it describes his first direct clash with Professor Moriarty.

I can see Wontner's Holmes appeals to both fans and critics alike. He, moreso than any other actor in the role I've considered in a critical mindset, resembles the illustrations from the original printings in "Strand Magazine" and his Holmes is lively without being too aggressive and often sardonic without being excessively cruel to those he puts down. Best of all, from my perspective, although he is not shy about showing Watson how much smarter he is, he still treats him with the consideration due a friend and one never wonders why Watson bothers spending time with him. Wontner presents a charming Holmes that is somewhat low key when compared to the actors who followed him, but still entertaining. (And watching this Wontner film again makes me think that there must be another reason for why I didn't find Matt Frewer's Sherlock Holmes particularly engaging as the two portrayals are very similar.)

As for Watson, Ian Fleming provides a decent if unremarkable portrayal of Holmes' friend and biography. Both from the way the role is written and the way Fleming portrays Watson, it easy to understand why Holmes associates with him, which is a flaw in many on-screen interperations of the character. Watson even gets a moment in the sun when he is captured by Moriarty's men and remains brave in the face of certain death.

Speaking of Moriarty, who, like Sir Henry Baskerville has been added to the mix by the writers of this adaptation, I very much like the approach taken to him in his film. He and his main henchman, Colonel Moran, are set up like dark reflections of Holmes and Watson. Moriarty is to the underworld what Holmes is to the law-abiding citizen, a genius to whom they can appeal for help when all other avenues have been exhausted. It adds a great deal to the flavor of Moriarty and it makes it even clearer why the two men admired and hated each other so much and why it was so hard for one to defeat the other. (At least in concept. For a criminal mastermind, Moriarty is somewhat hamfisted and clumsy in this particular caper, although that can be excused by his own admission that fixing horse races is not his usual area of activity.)

All-in-all, this is a pleasant Holmes film. It's a little on the bland side, but I think fans of Holmes and 1930s mystery pictures will enjoy it. It's a shame that there does not appear to be a decent copy available on the DVD market. (I've come across three different versions, all equally faded and ragged... perhaps even taken from the same print?)





(I mentioned Matt Frewer's portrayal of Sherlock Holmes above. I invite you to check out my review of "A Royal Scandal" by clicking here and perhaps even leave a comment about why I might be wrong about Frewer as Sherlock Holmes.)

Sherlock Sunday: Matt Frewer vs. THE Woman

A Royal Scandal (2001)
Starring: Matt Frewer, Kenneth Welsh, Liliana Komorowska, R.H. Thomson and Robin Wilcock
Director: Rodney Gibbons
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Sherlock Holmes (Frewer) is retained to recover compromising photos of one of Europe's crown princes (Wilcock). The case is complicated by the fact that the photos are in the possession of Holmes' old love/adversary Irene Adler (Komorowska) and that the British government and Holmes' brother Mycroft (Thomson) want to get their hands on the photos as well.


"A Royal Scandal" is a so-so Holmes tale that merges "The Bruce-Pardington Papers" with a loose adaptation of "A Scandal in Bohemia." It's a made-for-TV movie that wastes no time in getting started and keeps the pace nice and brisk as it unfolds and makes sure that the viewer is never bored--assuming the viewer is in the mood for a Holmesian-style mystery. The way Holmes deals with betrayal and dishonesty by those he cares about (and whom he thought he could rely on) is an interesting aspect of the story. That, along with the Victorian espionage intrigues--echoes of last week's Sherlock Sunday entry, "The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes"--is one of the more entertaining aspects of the film, but it isn't enough to make up for the weaknesses.

The film's problems lie primarily with the casting, and, to a lesser degree, with the scripting.

As fun as Matt Frewer usually is to watch in most roles he's played, he makes a weak Sherlock Holmes. He doesn't have the arrogant intensity of Basil Rathbone or Peter Cushing's Holmes, he doesn't have the boyish exuberance of Ronald Howard'd Holmes, he doesn't have the emotional intensity of Robert Downey Jr or Christopher Plummer's interpretations, nor even the limpwristed feyness of the one presented by Robert Stephens. He doesn't bring any larger-than-life qualities to the character, something which seems to be a necessity for a successful screen-portrayal of Sherlock Holmes. A giant such as Holmes need to have something to seperate him from the masses of humanity, and Holmes as portrayed by Frewer has nothing.

The script is also something of an issue. Holmes is one step behind his adversaries for the entire story. Although many cinematic tales of Holmes deal with him being bested--especially when Irene Adler is involved--few have him so completely in the dark as he is during this tale. Even after the case has been resolved, it's clear that although Holmes figured out the puzzle and mostly identified all the players correctly, he at no time had the initiative and he was successfully manipulated from beginning to end. All in all, a disappointing adventure both for Holmes and for the viewers.

The rest of cast is as bland as Frewer. Kenneth Welsh's Watson has very little screen time, but what he has is forgettable. Not only does Watson have very little to do in the story, but Welsh is completely unremarkable in the role. Liliana Komorowska makes an attractive Irene Adler and brings enough sexy charisma to the role to make it believable that Holmes might fall in lust with her, but the part itself feels underwritten and empty--and her tendency to carry around an unloaded gun is a very silly habit for a character who deals with lethal criminals and spies on a daily basis.

"A Royal Scandal" is a forgettable entry in the Holmes. The Five I am giving it is about as low a Five as possible without making it a Four. I'm being generous with the film because it did keep me entertained, but only just, and because it's all-around technically competent. But it's a film you can safely skip.