'Bad Boys' is pretty bad

Bad Boys (1995)
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith, Téa Leoni, Tcheky Karyo, and Joe Pantoliano
Director: Michael Bay
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Two life-long friends who grew up to be narcotics detectives in Miami (Lawrence and Smith) find their personal and professional relationships tested when they tasked with located several million dollars of pure heroin that was stolen from their department's storage vault. Just to make a stressful situation worse, the psychopath who stole the drugs (Karyo) is stalking them, their families, and the only witness to a murder he committed in the course of his heist (Leoni).

If you want proof that Kevin Smith "Cop Out" wasn't as bad as it was made out to be, all you have to is watch as much as you can stand of "Bad Boys" either before or after watching the Smith film. This is a film with no likable characters, with a plot so straight-forward that the only reason the film lasts more than 30 minutes is because the characters are as dumb as they are unlikable, and with jokes so unfunny and forced that anyone who sits through it might be able to file a legitimate case of date rape against writer George Gallo and director Michael Bay.

Interestingly, I've been catching bits and piece3s of "Bad Boys II" on cable for years, but I've never actually seen the entire film. The parts I've seen were funny, though, so when I came across a cheap DVD set containing both "Bad Boys" and the sequel on the same day I heard that there was a "Bad Boys 3" making its way through pre-production, I thought it was time to see the first movie, followed by the second.

Well, I now know why I never seen "Bad Boys" on cable. If the bits and pieces I've seen of the other film over the years are any indication, it may be one of those rare cases where a sequel is better than the film that spawned it.

I'll see if my assumption is correct, sometime after the awfulness of "Bad Boys" has faded in my memory. It is amazing to me that Martin Lawrence had a career after this one; I don't think I've ever seen him be less funny. Will Smith and Tea Leoni were in the movie, but they were just sort of Will Smith and Tea Leoni, without anything particularly good or bad about their performances--one can only hold actors accountable for so much when they are working with material as awful as the script for this film. But at least they didn't stink like Lawrence did.

Two things that saves this film from earning a Two Rating: The lovely car race at the very end, and the fact Leoni spends much of the movie in an impossibly short skirt. Looking at her never-ending legs made the pain bearable.

'Into the Blue' gives viewers what they want

Into the Blue (2005)
Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Josh Brolin, Ashley Scott, and Scott Caan
Director: John Stockwell
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A pair of semi-pro treasure hunters (Alba and Walker) living the easy life in the Bahamas stumble upon the sunken wreck of a historic sailing ship. They also discover the wreck of a small airplane which contains a fortune in drugs, and this makes them targets of the drug smugglers who want to recover their wares.

I think I liked this movie better when I saw it as "The Deep". I recall being more impressed with the acting and the story than I was with this film, but then admittedly I was 10 or so years old and I haven't seen it since. So, maybe my memory is a bit hazy--and my memory of the Carmine Infantino-illustrated graphic novel adaptation is a bit stronger than that I have of the movie--but I remember finding the underwater action very exciting in both formats, as well as genuinely fearing for the heroes.

With "Into the Blue", I never really cared about any of the characters, and the only actor I found at all remarkable was Josh Brolin as the obnoxious, seasoned and well-funded rival to the pretty young main characters. The film also held no surprises as it unfolded, other than the memories it invoked of my youthful excitement over "The Deep".

That said, the film does move at fast enough a pace that you barely have time to realize that it is absolutely predictable at every turn. It also sports some gorgeous photography both on-land and under-seas, and several well-executed underwater action scenes... and that's ultimately what the film is about. Did anyone REALLY see this movie for anything but the eye-candy?

"Into the Blue" is entertaining enough, but not worth going out of your way for. If you want a beautiful film focusing on attractive skin-diving treasure-hunters, I think you might be better off checking out the "The Deep" starring Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bissett. (Athough I can imagine someone writing a variation on those words some 40 years from now: "'Raiders of the Deep' is pretty to look at, but it doesn't hold a candle to my memory of 'Into the Blue', a movie I saw when I was 10 years old.")

I will have to get my hands on a copy of "The Deep" to see if I'm being unfair to this movie or not....

'Terror of the Tongs': Yellow Peril ala Hammer

The Terror of the Tongs (aka "Terror of the Hatchet Men") (1961)
Starring: Geoffrey Toone, Christopher Lee, Roger Delgado, and Yvonne Monlaur
Director: Anthony Bushell
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

After his daughter is killed by vicious members of Hong Kong's Red Dragon Tong, Captain Sale (Toone) goes on a rampage intent on destroying his daughter's killer and entirety of the secretive crime syndicate.

"The Terror of the Tong" is a well-made example of an adventure fiction sub-genre that has fallen completely out of favor due to changing climates in geo-politics and cultural attitudes in the West: Yellow Peril Tales. In these stories, mysterious Asian crime figures held entire populations in their power through fear and supposedly mystical abilities... until some two-fisted, stiff-necked Anglo-American hero came along and put a stop to his nefarious ways. The genre was dying its last gasp when I was a kid--relegated mostly to awful Kung Fu movies and comic books where Nick Fury battled the Yellow Claw, Iron Man squared off against The Mandarin, and Shang Chi fought a dogged battle to bring down the criminal empire of his father, Fu Manchu, the most famous and respectable of all Yellow Peril villains.

The Yellow Peril tales grew out of the same impulses that gave birth to the gothic fiction genre--a British discomfort and perhaps even fear of outsiders and their alien culture, and was further fueled by straight-forward racism among Americans--although, frankly, aside from the WW2 years, many Yellow Peril tales actually put Westerners in as bad a light as their Oriental foes. This is especially true of the Fu Manchu tales.

That, however, is not the case with "The Terror of the Tongs". The Chinese gangsters in this picture are vicious psychopaths through-and-through, with no motivations beyond feeding their own sadism and hunger for loot and power. Although evil, Fu Manchu at least believed he was fighting the good fight to restore his people's honor and save them from the corrupting influences of the West.

A curious artifact of film industry standards long gone is the fact that most of the Asian characters in the film are played by Caucasian actors in heavy make-up. It was a long-standing tradition to have whites play these roles in Yellow Peril movies, something which seems a bit odd to many viewers today, and which has been mocked in more recent times with Peter Sellars and Nicolas Cage both taking comedic turns as Fu Manchu.

In this film, Christopher Lee plays Chung King, the head of the Red Dragon Tong. He does a great job sitting around looking sinister and spouting weird sayings and sending out opium- and sex-crazed killers to slay his enemies and terrorize city neighborhoods. Roger Delgado is similarly excellent as a Eurasian who serves as Lee's top lieutenant. Wisely, the director has neither of these actors put on fake accents, instead allowing them to speak the Queen's English perfectly and thus taking advantage of the full capacity of both actors to bombastically sinister.

Meanwhile, on the good side of the equation, we have are treated to some fine performances by Geoffrey Toone, the bullish sea captain who prove that the British stiff upper-lip can be backed up with a strong right hook, and Yvonne Monlaur, another Eurasian character for whom the brave captain opens horizons free from the servitude to the Tong her mixed blood had forced upon her.

None of these characters are exactly complex, but the actors give each of them their all and infuse them with the larger-than-life quality that this sort of story needs to work.

Director Anthony Bushell also tries his best to bring that sense of grandness to the film's sound-stage bound environment, with the Hong Kong docks and neighborhoods being represented by re-dressed standing sets left over from other Hammer productions. While he mostly fails at this, he does manage to draw some very sharp lines between the villains and heroes, and he also manages to work in some of the horror qualities that we've come to know and love from movies like "Curse of Frankenstein".

Unfortunately, that horror was blunted, and remains so to this very day; the DVD edition appears to have been made from a print of the film that has been butchered by censors. There are numerous time when fight scenes or other scenes of violence have been sloppily edited, to the point where even the music soundtrack seems to jerk. The worst example of this is the scene where Tong thugs invade the bedroom of Captain Sales' daughter; there seem to be at least two instances where the scene was too intense for censors, and their cuts have left the scene disjointed and a little confused. (The implication is that the Tong cut off three of the girl's fingers, as is their habit, but as it plays out, she is struggling one moment and completely unconscious a split-second later, with no apparent cause. And yet somehow her ring is dropped on the floor and stained with blood...)

Still, this is a fairly minor blemish, and it's more than made up for with the climax where the down-trodden citizens rise up against the Tong. And, as mentioned, Christopher Lee is quite good in the film. He would later go onto play the grandest of Oriental villains--Fu Manchu--but he is actually better here than he was in the Fu Manchu movies I've seen. (Of course, I've only seen a couple craptacular Harry Towers/Jess Franco ones, so maybe I'm not judging him fairly.)

For more examples of the Yellow Peril genre, click here to read film reviews at Shades of Grey.

'The Silencers' is a fun spy spoof

The Silencers (1966)
Starring: Dean Martin, Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, Victor Buono, and James Gregory
Director: Henry Levin
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Retired secret agent turned fashion photographer Matt Helm (Martin) is coaxed out of retirement by his sexy former partner (Lavi) to help find the mole who has been feeding information to the enemy, and to stop a nefarious scheme to start World War III.

"The Silencers" is one of the films that Mike Meyers was trying to copy/spoof with his Austin Powers films, itself a tongue-in-cheek spoof of the James Bond series... as well as Dean Martin's image as a hard drinker and a womanizer. Of course, a sure-fire way to make an inferior picture is to attempt to spoof a spoof, so it's not surprising that this movie is superior to anything Meyers attempted in every way. (Except Dr. Evil and the various characters in his orbit. Dr. Evil is Meyers' singular great creation.)

If you have a high tolerance for slapstick spy antics, a steady stream of off-color jokes and puns, dream sequences narrated by a singing Dean Martin, and 1960s-style sexism and swingin' life styles, you'll enjoy this film. You'll enjoy it even more, because in addition to being a fun comedy, it's got a well-crafted script at its core that offers a few genuinely surprising twists and even more startling and well-timed moments that many serious spy movies can't match.

And then there's the fact that Matt Helm is probably the only spy in the world who has a tricked-out station wagon that converts to a love-nest on wheels, complete with mini-bar.

The cast is also amusing to watch, with Dean Martin excelling in the part of the reluctant hero who would rather be at home enjoying his models, sexy personal assistant, and hi-tech bachelor's pad; Daliah Lavi as a sexy secret agent that gives some of the best Bond Girls a run for their money; and Stella Stevens as the clumsiest femme fatale to ever bumble her way across the screen. Victor Buono also manages to strike a nice balance between creepy and outrageous as an overweight Fu Manchu-style villainous mastermind.

"The Silencers" is available on DVD along with the other three Matt Helm movies from the 1960s. Check them out, in time for the character's return to film in 2011.

'The Cheap Detective' brings mystery and mirth

The Cheap Detective (1978)
Starring: Peter Falk, Louise Fletcher, Madeline Kahn, Marsha Mason, Eileen Brennan, James Coco, Ann-Margaret, Ferndando Lamas, Dom Deluise, John Houseman, Nicol Williams, Stockard Channing, and Sid Ceaser
Director: Robert Moore
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

The year 1939 is not turning out to be a good one for gumshoe Lou Peckinpaugh (Falk). His partner has been murdered and he's the prime suspect because he's been having an affair with his wife (Mason). But before he can clear his name, he first has to solve the mystery of some missing Albanian diamonds, stop the Nazi consul to Cincinatti (Williams) from destroying the French restraunt being run by the current husband (Lamas) of an old flame (Fletcher), and avoid getting too entangled with overheated vamps (Kahn and Brennan) or his demure secretary (Channing).


"The Cheap Detective" is a spoof of hardboiled detective tales and the film noir pictures from the 1940s and 1950s, and it plays as though the script emerged after someone tossed the movies "The Maltese Falcon" and "Casablanca", a collection of the Complete Works of Dasheil Hammett, and some copies of MAD Magazine into a blender set on high.

The result is a hilarious, but uneven, movie that's loaded with absurd situations, ridiculous puns, and a crazy, chaotic storyline that anticipates comedies like "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun". If you're a fan of those movies, you're bound to enjoy this one. The film starts weak--with a gag involving a killer so efficient his victims don't even fall down when they die stretched so thin in loses all comedy value--and ends with a nonsensical and unfunny scene that seems to exist only to fit in one more cameo, but almost everything between the two badly done bookends is great stuff.

You're also bound to enjoy "The Cheap Detective" if you love the movies and the actors being spoofed. Peter Falk in particular is hilarious with his very effective Humphrey Bogart imitation, but Louise Fletcher's Ingrid Bergman is also great fun, as is Ann-Margaret's generic oversexed femme fatale and Nicol Williams. Much credit also goes, of course, to Neil Simon for the absurd dialogue and even more absurd situations.

Whether you're a fan of classic detective films and the film noir genre, or whether you simply enjoy crazy comedies, I think you'll find something to laugh about in "The Cheap Detective".

John Candy is 'Armed and Dangerous'

Armed and Dangerous (1986)
Starring: John Candy, Eugene Levy, Meg Ryan, Robert Loggia and Kenneth McMillan
Director: Mark L. Lester
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A disgraced cop (Candy) and an incompetent lawyer (Levy) become friends after they take jobs as security guards to make ends meet. However, they are soon forced to rely upon each other for survival when they get caught up in the illegal dealings of the security company's owner (Loggia).


"Armed and Dangerous" is a fast-paced action comedy that careens from joke to joke, from screwball set-pieces to car chases with wild abandon. It features a fun collection of cartoony characters played by a cast that's mostly at the top of their game, but the film swerves so rapidly and severely through comedic styles that it gets in its own way and times, giving an impression that the writers and director didn't quite know what kind of movie they wanted to make. In some cases, it even feels like they didn't quite know what they wanted certain charaters to be.

The most obvious example of inconsistencies with the film's characters is in Maggie Cavanaugh, another employee of the security company and the manager's daugther, portrayed by Meg Ryan. In the earliest scenes she's in, she comes across either as ditzy or drunk, but later she apears quite intelligent (and there's no indication that the character hits the sauce to excess). She makes references to a bad marriage, but nothing ever comes of this in the film, nor is there ever any indication how she can afford the very large, very fancy house she lives in. All in all, the character is badly focused and developed, and, while it's most obivous with this character, the same is true of John Candy's Frank Dooley (who is alternatively very smart and very stupid, or very industrious or very lazy).

These lapses in good writing and firm direction detract from the overall cohesion of the film and lead to it being a good comedy as opposed to a great one. With just a little more effort on the part of the writers and the director, this could have been a classic, becauase John Candy and Eugene Levy are as good in this film as they've ever been.

James Bond for the tatooed skateboarder crowd

xXx (aka Triple X) (2002)
Starring: Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, Asia Argento, and Marton Csokas
Director: Rob Cohen
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

After losing several agents attempting to get the goods on a mysterious Russian crime group known as Anarchy 99, NSA honcho Augustus Gibbons (Jackson) decides it's time to fight fire with fire. He recruits extreme sportsman, professional rebel, and underground Internet celebrity Xander Cage (Diesel) into the agency's service and sends him to eastern Europe. After gaining the trust of Yorgi (Csokas), the Russian military officer turned ararchist and crimelord, he discovers that Anarchy 99 is a far more deadly terrorist threat than anyone has imagined even in their worst nightmares.


"xXx" is a James Bond movie for the skateboarding, snowboarding, tongue-piercing, random tatooing, baggy-pants crowd. From Xander's nifty spy-toys through the superweapon that Yorgi is going to unleash on the world, this film follows the step-by-step recipies that every Bond film since "Diamonds Are Forever" has followed. The action has been amped up--it's pretty much non-stop for the two-hour running time of the film--but the major showpiece stunts are pretty much what you'd expect to see in a James Bond film... and the same is true to the climax AND the denoument.

Heck, there's even one element of this film that makes it seem a tiny bit more sensible and believable than most James Bond films: Xander Cage is established as being 100% capable of pulling off crazy stunts with just about any mode of transportation you care to think of. How exactly did James Bond master such skills? (Not that I'm saying "xXx" is realistic, but then I'd never accuse a James Bond movie of that either.)

People who slam this movie like to complain about Vin Diesel's acting. I don't know what their problem is, as I think he does a fine job... considering he doesn't really have to act at all in this film. (The one scene where he does does do some acting--where Yorgi shows himself to be a more psychopathic monster than even the worse Bond foes--he does an okay job, given the character has been established as having nerves of titanium and a large amount of sympathy for "the little guy.") If there's someone that should be slammed for not giving much of a performance, it should be Asia Argento; she's attractive to look at, but she's not much of an actress, if one is to judge her by this film.

All in all, "xXx" succeeds extremely well as being at being a spy-movie in the James Bond mold. Check it out; it's a great deal of fun.

'Maximum Risk' is a safe bet

Maximum Risk (1996)
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Natasha Henstridge, Zach Grenier and Jean-Hughues Anglade
Director: Ringo Lam
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Alain (Van Damme), a French police detective, learns that he has a twin brother when the brother turns up violently murdered in Nice. Deciding to solve the mysterious death of the brother he never knew, Alain assumes his brother's identity and finds himself in the middle of a tangled conspiracy involving violent Russian mobsters, corrupt FBI agents and his brother's beautiful girlfriend (Henstridge).


"Maximum Risk" is a fast-paced action thriller with a well-written script that's performed by a talented cast. Although it is predictable, the storyline is sensible and action-packed with expertly staged and photographed fight- and chase-scenes scattered evenly throughout the film. (In fact, if I have a complaint, it's that there are too many chase scenes and car crashes in the film. By the time we get to final one, I'd grown tired of watching crashing cars.)

However, the film makes up for this with an ending that's far more intelligent than what actions films usually offer up. Instead of offering a quip and then executing the villains in cold blood, Van Damme's character behaves a little more like the honest and good cop that he's supposed to be... and by letting those who are truly the most evil villains in the film live, he not only subjects them to the humiliation and disgrace of a trail but he also ensures that their partners in crime will suffer similar fates. (This is the exact opposite of the idiotic ending in "Transporter 3" where the bloodlust of the writers actually leads to justice not being served when a main witness against that film's real villains is murdered by the hero in cold blood.)

"Maximum Risk" is a well-crafted action film that, strangely, was deemed a failure when it first appeared in 1996 and is one of the film's that some analysts blame for damaging Van Damme's career. Why that is, I can't figure, because while the film did tank at the US box office, it went on to make more than twice what it cost to make in other countries. A movie as good as this that also ended up more than paying for itself should have helped Van Damme rather than hurt him. (Of course, I far from understand the business of movie making... I just know when I've just watched a good movie.)

'Half Past Dead' is enjoyable crap

Half Past Dead (2002)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Ja Rule, Morris Chestnut, Kurupt, Nia Peeples, Bruce Weitz, and Claudia Christian
Director: Don Michael Paul
Steve's Rating: Five of Ten Stars

There are some films that I know are crap, yet I enjoy watching them for one reason or another. "Half Past Dead" is one of those.

In "Half Past Dead", FBI agent Sasha Petrosevitch (Seagal) goes undercover in a brand-new, hi-tech prison and runs afoul a plot to break out a deathrow inmate (Weitz) who knows the location of 200 million dollars of stolen gold.



The story is far-fetched and highly illogical in the way it unfolds, the action sequences thrilling but unrealistic to the point where they become goofy, the dialogue is awful, and the acting is even worse. (Steven Seagal should have done more movies more movies with rappers who are trying to pass themselves off as actors... they make him look like he's delivering an Oscar-worthy performance.)

This is a rediculous action movie any way you look at it, but I have a great time whenever I watch it.


The film will also forever hold a soft spot in my heart, because it was the first time I had a firm visual for what it looks like when some near-human aliens from my long-running "Star Wars Roleplaying Game" campaign gets into a fight. I will never tire of watching the Nia Peeples wire-fu scene for that reason.

"Half Past Dead" is highly recommended if you're looking to add an action film to the line-up of a Bad Movie Night... but it's not good for much else. The Five Rating it's getting is a very low Five.

While this was a better film that "On Deadly Ground", it's still pretty damn awful, and it was another rung in the ladder that brought reduced him to direct-to-DVD stardom. (Seagal likes to blame an FBI investigation, but the blame is found far closer to home than he probably wants to admit.)

'The Devil's Own' is a movie he can keep

The Devil's Own (1997)
Starring: Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt
Director: Alan J. Pakula
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A New York cop of Irish background (Ford) becomes host to an IRA terrorist (Pitt) who is the United States to buy weapons.


"The Devil's Own" spends much of its time in an offensive romanticising of a filthy bunch of murderous terrorists. The ONLY thing this movie gets right about Northern Ireland, the IRA, and Americans of Irish heritage is that Americans of Irish heritage either were too stupid or intellectual lazy to see the IRA for what they rea,lly are. (My money's on intellectually lazy... because Americans of Arab background or the Muslim persuasion are as stupid about twisted freaks like Hamas as the Irish-Americans used to be about the IRA.)

While the film does have some nicely done action sequences, there is too much offensive pablum here for me to recommend even watching it for that. (And why couldn't Brad Pitt hold his accent for more than one or two lines? Did he really choose to badmouth the film before it came out because he knew that he sucked worse than the script he was performing?)

'Air Force One' features kick butt president

Air Force One (1997)
Starring: Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Glenn Close and Grace Marshall
Director: Wolfgang Petersen
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

When the plane carrying the President of the United States (Ford) is hijacked by Russian nationalists who want to force the release of an imprisoned war criminal, the President escapes capture and sets about kicking some terrorist ass.


"Air Force One" is a great little action film that anyone who appreciates an exciting plot featuring terrorists getting whacked in hand-to-hand combat by an unlikely hero and an interesting cast of characters portrayed by talented actors.

Harrison Ford portrays the sort of president that I think every American deep down wishes we could have the helm of our country (but will probably never get) while Gary Oldman chews the scenery to pieces and just about steals the movie as one of the most vicious characters you'll ever love to hate.

'Last Action Hero' shatters the fourth wall

Last Action Hero (1993)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Dance and Austin O'Brien
Director: John McTiernan
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

A young movie fan (O'Brien) crosses over into his favorite movie universe--the non-stop action world of hardboiled cop Jack Slater (Schwarzenegger)--with an enchanted movie ticket. That's all well and good, but when the ultimate evil criminal mastermind of that world, Benedict (Dance) gets hold of the ticket and leaves his film reality for the Real World, real tragedies may unfold.


This movie is unfairly maligned, I think, because it's actually a far deeper film than critics and rank-and-file movie goers give it credit for.

It might be because I'm a writer, but this rates high among my favorite movies of all time--not quite in the Top Ten, bt almost. I love it, because it says alot about the creative process when it shows the film universe through the eyes of the visitor: Everything that was going trhough the writer's head while he was working on the script is included in the world--including talking ducks and other weirdness that never makes it into even the first draft--while commonplace things that every real person must have aren't even present, such as the furniture in Jack Slater's apartment. There is none there, because Slater never goes there in the stories, so the writer never thought about what it contained.

The film's commentary on the life of fictional characters and how casually we writers abuse them also spoke to me, such as when Slater learns that nothing in his world is "real" and then wants to know why anyone would invent a tale so horrible as having him powerless to stop the murder of his own young son... particularly when it's just for the entertainment of others.

There is also one aspect of criticism I hear of this film that indicates that most viewers and critics don't even get the surface of the thing. The Jack Slater Universe the fan crosses into isn't supposed to be a recreation of "Lethal Weapon." It's supposed to be a spoof of it and all action films of that type. I think it was great that Schwarzenegger was willing to lampoon himself and even the entire genre that his career was built on with this film. (And with my interpretation, some of the more outrageous aspects of the film world--such as the mob hit--may actually be like the talking duck... things that will never show up in any actually produced movie).

"Last Action Hero" is a movie that both critics and audiences don't seem to get, because they don't watch it with their brains engaged. Try taking a second look at it, but this time consider that maybe there's something to it that isn't on the marquee.

Badly plotted movie showcases more about incompetent writers than evil bankers

The International (2009)
Starring: Clive Owen, Naomi Watts, Brian F. O'Byrne, Armin Mueller-Stahl and Allesandro Fabrizi
Director: Tom Tykwer
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

An Interpol agent on the verge of a breakdown (Owen) and a dedicated New York Asst. District Attorney (Watts) team up to investigate a powerful international bank that will stop at nothing to achieve its business goals.


"The International" is a sluggishly paced thriller with a script that could have done with at least one more revision and an end product that should have gone back to the editor.

The bankers featured in this film must be the same guys who were in charge at Washington Mutual or maybe Freddie Mac in recent years, because they're the sort of idiots who would keep issuing loans to people who would never pay them back. If they didn't seem so incompetent, maybe the conspiracies they are engaged in would seem less far fetched and pointless.

The main plot point around which the film revolves--the bank is going to collapse if they don't make a convoluted arms investment scheme work--would have been solved 20 minutes in, if, as a character says in the third act, "You should have come to me first." Of course, that would have meant this would have been a really short movie without any action scenes... but that would have been preferable to what we end up with here.

As it stands, the bankers here are nefarious for no reason other than to be nefarious, and they are so stupid that it boggles the engaged mind our heroes (or even some bumbling US Senator in search of headlines) can't nail them. Of course, the script is so badly written that many of the setbacks are heroes suffer are just as much due to bad luck as the eeeevil powers of the International.

Almost worse than the bad script is the way the film is padded. It's just a few seconds here and few seconds there, but after a while it becomes annoying and obvious. Time and again, we're given establishing shots to establishing shots. Because the film takes its sweet time getting just about every scene underway--presumably because the director thought this would help build suspense--we're given plenty of time to reflect on the story problems in what we are watching unfold.

Tip to future filmmakers: If you have a bad script for your thriller, speed things up rather than slow them down. The audience won't have time to catch all the stupidity, and, even if they do, they'll be grateful that the film was only 85 minutes long as opposed to 111 minutes.

"The International" is rather like the conspiracy theories it tries to bring to life as it unfolds--you know, the ones about the Gnomes of Zurich running the world through international banks--in that if you apply any thought to them, they collapse under their own illogic.

Don't waste your time and money on this film. It has decent performances from every featured actor and a very cool shoot-out at the Guggenheim Museum in New York, but these aren't enough to make it worth two hours of your life. (The four rating I'm giving it is a low four.)

'Identity' is a mystery within a mystery

Identity (2003)
Starring: John Cusack, Ray Liotta and Amanda Peet
Director: James Mangold
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

On a stormy night, a group of unrelated strangers are stranded at a motel... and then they start dying most horribly. As they try to find the murderer among them, it becomes apparent that they aren't the strangers they first thought they were, and that they have been brought here by mysterious forces far stronger than chance.


"Identity" is one of those movies that it's hard to talk about without spoiling the entire thing. It's extremely well-crated in that the characters start to recognize that there's something seriously wrong with the situation they have been thrust into--in addition to the fact that someone is butchering them "Ten Little Indians"-style--as the viewer does. Similarly, the characters become aware of the impossibility and improbility of what is unfolding at the same pace that the viewer does. At every turn, the movie keeps pace with the audience, continuing to share revelations at the right moment, while constantly upping the tension level and making the need to find the answers evermore desirable by the characters and the viewers. This film is quite strange, but it is a well-made kind of strange.

There have been a lot of mystery and suspense thrillers in recent years that have attempted to be oh-so-clever and have relied on twist-endings that were either so far-fetched and unsupported by what has gone before that they feel like cheats or just plain stupid, or were so predictable that the audience figured them out well before the "big revelation." With "Identity," the filmmakers get it just right, and they have actually made a clever film within the trappings of a well-used mystery movie set-up. What's more, the sets are great, the camerawork extremely well-done, and the acting is top-notch from all players.

If you have patience, a love of mystery and suspense films, and tolerance for the slightly bizarre, I think you'll enjoy the claustrophobic, meanacing sense that permeates "Identity." And I think you'll get a kick out of a "big revelation" that actually works.