Ninjas learn not to mess with Chuck Norris

It's the annual Nine Days of the Ninja here at the Cinema Steve blog network.

The Octagon (1980)
Starring: Chuck Norris, Karen Carlson, Lee Van Cleef, Tadashi Yamashida, Richard Norton, and Larry D. Mann
Director: Eric Karson
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

A retired professional martial artist who just happens to be the adopted son of a ninja master (Norris) is drawn back into the world of violence and ninja intrigues when his brother (Yamashida) starts a martial arts school for international terrorists.

"The Octagon" is the film that launched a thousand "American ninja" movies. It was a surprise hit for the production company--that had reportedly pitched it to investors as a tax write-off--and it stands one of the very best examples of this kind of film. It's also an early Chuck Norris film and one of his bests, as it makes as much sense as a movie featuring ninjas building a secret lair/major militarized terrorist compound a short drive from a major urban center can, and it is non-stop plot, action, and/or neat fight scenes from beginning to end.

Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris--meaning that he is wooden but likeable--and most of the rest of the cast is made up of pretty decent B actors. Except for Lee Van Cleef... he plays another one of his you-love-to-hate-him sort of bastard characters... and he does it with his usual A+ style. But what really makes this movie are the various fight scenes. The grand showdown in the terrorist training camp, as well as the final battle between Norris, Norton, and Yamashida in the titular octagon arena has rightfully made it onto numerous "best fight sequence" or "best action sequence" lists. All the wire-fu, jump cuts, and computer graphics tricks that infest movies these days can't hold a candle to the real skill on display here.

Oh, and filmmakers--please PLEASE pay attention to the cinematography in this movie if you think you want to make a martial arts film. If you have people who can actually do martial arts, you should be doing mostly medium or long shots and pans rather than cuts when filming the fights. Let the audience see the skill on display. Don't do the god-damned close-ups that I keep seeing in so many martial arts and action films made after 2000 or so.

Even if your one of those strange people who say you don't like watching old movies, this is one you should check out if you your action films with a side-order of Ninjas.

'Challenge of the Lady Ninja' is so bad it's good

Challenge of the Lady Ninja (aka "Never Kiss a Ninja") (1987)
Starring: Elsa Yeung, Kam Yin Fie, Peng Kong, and Chen Kuan-Tai
Director: Tso Nam Lee
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A young Chinese woman (Yeung), trained in the secret ways of Japanese ninja, returns home to China to fight against the Japanese occupiers during World War 2. When she realizes that her one-time betrothed (Kuan-Tai) has turned traitor and is working for the Japanese, she creates a fighting force of other female ninjas to put an end to his evil and to battle her old rival from the Ninja Academy (Kong).

"Challenge of the Lady Ninja" is one of those movies that is observably wretched, yet so very fun to watch. For example, while the film makes a big deal out of being set during World War 2, there is very little attempt to dress characters in period costumes or otherwise make the film look like it takes place in the 1940s. All the fashions, gear, and cars all date from the 1980s.

Then there's the ninja spell that lets a woman transform her bright red ninja suit into a bikini and lets her perform a version of the Dance of the Seven Veils that fills onlookers with distracting lust. Add to this the rampant hatred of Japanese that was so common in Chinese action films through at least the 1980s, and you have a movie that's one that should be reserved for an audience with very specific tastes... or just bad taste.

For all its quirks and faults, the film is a lot of fun. The ninja hi-jinx are as silly as anything you'll find in a Joseph Lai/Godfrey Ho production, but they are fully integrated into the film's story and generally make more sense. It's also action packed, with a fight or a chase breaking out every five or so minutes, and each one as energetic as the one that came before.

The main selling point with this film is cute ninja babes kicking butt, and that it delivers in spades. The extended final showdown between our red-clad ninja heroine and the film's main baddie is well worth waiting for.

If you like goofy martial arts pictures, and especially if you enjoyed a film like "Sister Street Fighter", "Challenge of the Lady Ninja" will brighten your day. It would be a great addition to any Girl Power- or martial arts-themed Bad Movie Night. Just turn your brain off before you turn the DVD player on.

The deadliest of blogathons....

Something's missing in this movie....

Golden Ninja Invasion (1987)
Starring: Leonard West, Stephanie Burd, Alan Davies, Jerry Brown, Susan Evans, Marshal Lucas, and Eric Lee
Director: Bruce Lambert
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

The nefarious Red Sun gang are looking to expand their empire of fear, vice, and drugs, but they face opposition from a brave cadre of Thai police officers, and the righteous Blue Ninja. But can even the bravest, most pure-hearted of champions of good withstand the onslaught of Mr. Warren and his ninja?!

As you watch "Golden Ninja Invasion", it becomes obvious that there are a couple of things missing in this movie: There's no Golden Ninja, and there's no invasion that takes place by said Golden Ninja, or any other ninja in this film. That list grows when you take into account the poster art featured above, as the film also doesn't feature helicopters buzzing the United States Capitol Building, nor any fiery car crashes. (There are a couple of car chases, but no real crashes.)

What the film features is an incoherent story about a criminal gang are aided by a group of Ninja in their fight against sort of Thai anti-gang unit--one member of which has had his hand replaced by a metal hand that shoots electrical bolts when the plot calls for it--and a handful of uniformed cops. There's also some sort of scientist in possession of top secret documents the gang wants for reasons never explained. As if the movie wasn't confusing enough, a mysterious Mr. Warren is behind the gang and the Ninja, and he is opposed by some ancient martial artist and the powerful Blue Ninja.

The plots upon plots and story lines barely connecting are the result of this being yet another one of those patchwork Ninja films from the 1980s. Like so many others, this movie was created by Chinese filmmakers for sale in the Western market by merging an existing (possibly never distributed) film with a few new scenes featuring Caucasian actors and some guys in ninja outfits doing very silly stuff. What makes this film almost unique in the dozens of these that were foisted upon the world by producers Tomas Tang and Joseph Lai, and directors like Godfrey Ho and whoever was working behind the name "Bruce Lambert" at any given time, is that not only are their ninja in the new footage, but the original film featured ninja as well.

Yes, for reasons that we may never know, since Tomas Tang died in 1996 and "Bruce Lambert" is a anonymous and shadowy figure--people like to claim he's Godfrey Ho, but Ho has stated categorically that he was never credited under that named... dozens of others, but not that one--the good people at Filmark Productions tacked additional ninja scenes onto a film that already featured ninja!

While it's a mystery why this ninja movie needed more ninja, there's no question that the Blue Ninja sequences are integrated a little better into this picture than is often the case in patchwork films like this. For example, Mr. Warren (a character in the new footage) has phone conversations with characters in the old footage, showing that a bit more care was taken in trying to make the pieces fit together here than is often the case. The Blue Ninja material is also hilarious, both unintentionally and intentionally. Absolutely intentional humor revolves around "ninja beans"--magical devices that apparently are only safe when used by ninja--and the general level of stupidity of the average ninja, while there is tons of unintentional humor every time anyone in the Blue Ninja sections opens their mouths and dialogue comes out.

As for the bulk of the film--the original Thai gangster/ninja movie, what it lacks in coherence it makes up for in random violence and mayhem. Fights are constantly breaking out and the audience only knows why about 25% of the time. If these were interesting fights, this might be a good thing, but they are for the most part badly staged, amateurishly filmed, and often marred by bad effects. But one can't help but have a small degree of respect for the attempt to make up for the lack of quality by providing a huge quantity of violence.

If you're looking for one of the better examples of the uniquely 1980s art of Ninja Movie Quilting, "Golden Ninja Invasion" might fit the bill. It might also work nicely for a Bad Movie Night, although the ratio of "just bad" to "so bad its good" is a little on the low side for optimum effectiveness.

The deadliest of blogathons....

Fear is a Ninja Named Bruce!

Ninja the Protector (1986) (aka "Ninja Daredevils")
Starring: Richard Harrison, Warren Chan, and David Bowles
Director: Godfrey Ho
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Interpol officer Jason Hart (Harrison), who is secretly a Ninja Master, brings all his wits, Ninja Magic, and dimwitted fellow Interpol officers to bear against a counterfeiting ring and modeling school that is being operated a cult of Evil Ninjas and their leader, Bruce (Bowles)!


"Ninja the Protector" starts showing its sad low- to no-budget origins early on when snapshots of the actors are used to simulate the "hi-tech" retinal scan the Evil Ninjas must pass before enteriing the Lair of Bruce. They become further evident when a room full of Interpol agents have to pass the same Kodak snapshot of a wanted criminal around the table. (With a budget like that, it's amazing Interpol ever catches anyone!)

This film is another "Frankenninja" movie, where some movie that has nothing to do with ninjas and their nefariousness--and in "Ninja the Protector", they're especially nefarious, as not only are the ninja tricking aspiring models to sign up for overpriced classes, but they're also spreading around counterfeit US dollars--that has been redubbed and intercut with new ninja footage in an attempt to make a unified whole with a new storyline.

This is the best of these kinds of movies I've seen so far. While the plotline about the Interpol agent undercover at the ninja-backed modeling school/counterfeiting ring and his family and romance trouble seemed oddly disconnected from the business with the underfunded and not-too-bright Interpol agents and their ninja leader, there was every indication that the two stories would merge, as it appeared (through some clever dubbing and editing) that all the footage truly had been intended to be part of the same movie from the very beginning.

The illusion starts to fall apart as the film builds toward its climax, however. As the film moves toward its climax, what had appeared to be progressing plot and subplots suddenly fractures into two totally different plots, each which has its own rather sudden and unsatisfying resolutions. Yes, the Evil Ninja Cult and its funny-money distributing modeling school is put out of business for good, but how about Warren and his relationship with Interpol? What about Jason, now that his staff knows he's the Ninja Champion? The film makes no effort to close any of the movies story arcs. It just ends.

Before the film reaches its abrupt ending, it does offer up much unintended hilarity. When I said this was the best of this kind of movie I've seen so far, I'm measuring it against some pretty awful stuff, and I'm not implying it's good, despite its slightly more coherent nature. It's not just the Ninja hijinx that make this movie funny... it's also the completely awful dialogue like, "I like people who are honest and you lied to me earlier, but now you're telling me the truth, so I'll hire you."

(On a sidenote, this film really made me wonder who the intended audience for it was. The story is so lame that no adult can be expected to take it seriously, but I suspect a ten-year-old would love the Ninja Action and would buy into the whole counterfeiter/modeling/ninja thing. Hie might even like the ending. But the film is NOT suitable for ten-year-olds due to sexual content and a particularly unsexy sex-on-the-beach scene. Those elements are completely gratuitous, but they make certain the one group who would love this film won't get to see it. Or are fans of ninjas movies as undescriminating as I'm starting to fear? It seems like a higher percentage of crap was shoveled their way than any other niche audience.)

As far as the Ninja battles go... they're suitably goofy with plenty of pointless acrobatics and posturing. What's even goofier is the camoflage outfit that the Good Ninja wears. (I think this must be some sort of ancient Ninja Rule... I've now seen this ludicrous camo suit in two different movies.) What the battles lack is any sense of excitement, as they're poorly choreographed.

The goofiest Ninja Battle is also the only one that's interesting. It sees the Good Ninja (Jason of Interpol) battle the Evil Ninja (Bruce of the Kewl Underground Lair and the Counterfeiting Modeling School) engage in something like a joust while riding motorcyles. The only thing that would have made that scene better would have been if they'd been riding Kawasaki Ninjas.

(By the way, aspiring screenwriters: I know Bruce Lee was a bad ass. Bruce Campbell is pretty cool, too. But it's always a Bad Thing to name your main villain "Bruce." No one is ever going to take a bad guy named Bruce seriously... particularly not when he's running a modeling school that's a front for a counterfeiting ring that's a front for an Evil Ninja Cult.)

"Ninja the Protector" is not a good movie by any measure, but it is full of unintentional hilarious moments. It will be right at home as part of the line-up for a Bad Movie Night. But that's about all it's good for.

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When Ninja Attack....

Mask of the Ninja (2007)
Starring: Bernice Liuson Sim
Director: Kevin Anderton
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

A Chinese secret agent (Sim), who has studied the ways of the Ninja, sees her skills put to the test when she is beset by enemies on all sides.

"Mask of the Ninja" is a three-minute short that's a hilarious spoof of martial arts movies. The filming and editing is nicely done, and the acting is also very nice. Of course, this is just a three-minute short, but it's so good that it leaves you wishing for more. Plus, it's guarenteed to make you laugh.

Watch the film yourself by clicking below!



A big "Thank You" to Vic Clay (who appears as one of the two bums at the very beginning of the film) for calling this film to my attention.