'The Bodyguard from Beijing'should stay at home

The Bodyguard from Beijing (aka "The Defender") (1994)
Starring: Jet Li, Christy Chung, Collin Chou, Kent Cheng, and William Chu
Director: Corey Yuen
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

When the wife of a wealthy Hong Kong business man (Chung) ends up as the only surviving witness to a murder, the communist Chinese government dispatches an agent (Li) to protect her until the trial. It turns out to be a very difficult assignment, as the woman doesn't want to be saddled with a bodyguard, and the men behind the murder intend to do everything they can to make sure there are no surviving witnesses come the trial.

Bitchy, uncooperative women are a mainstay of action movies, especially when the threat to their lives is real and so apparent that only the most moronic of individuals wouldn't follow the advice and instructions of those charged with protecting them. But I don't think there has been a movie made with a character more obnoxious, bitchy, and just downright repulsive and unlikeable than Michelle Yeung (played by Christy Chung) in than in "The Bodyguard from Beijing."

Not only does she initially go out of her way to make the job and life difficult for her government-provided protector, but then she decides she wants to jump his bones and starts trying to seduce him. This is a rotten character, through and through, who is not at all cute and funny and likeable, as I think the filmmakers were trying to make her. It's a character that all by herself makes this movie a miserable experience, and I found myself wishing more than once that Alan (the character played by Jet Li) would put a bullet in her and just blame the assassins.

Aside from this horrible character, the film is further burdened with comic relief characters--mostly in the form of dim Hong Kong police officers--that aren't all that funny. While they aren't as teeth-grindingly awful as Christy Chung's character, they are boring dead weight that another strike against the film. The combination of the bitchy woman and the unfunny comic relief is almost enough for everyone to stay away from this film.

However, Jet Li does a good job as the most patient and stoic government security agent on the face of the planet, and the two major action sequences are spectacular. Some viewers may wish that Li engaged in more of his usual martial arts instead of the gun-play in present in this film, but the outrageousness of the entire janitorial staff of a mall seemed to have been replaced by mop- and bucket-carrying assassins. Plus, when the martial arts did get broken out for real in the film's second major action set-piece, it turns out to be have been worth the wait... especially because we get to see venetian blinds used as an offensive weapon. (Not anything can quite make up for the misery that is Christy Chung's character....)

This is a film that anyone but the most entertainment-starved fans of Jet Li in particular or 1990s Hong Kong action flicks in general can safely skip.

You'll wonder what 'War' is good for

War (aka "Rogue Assassin") (2007)
Starring: Jason Statham, Jet Li, John Lone, Mark Cheng, Devon Aoki, Ryo Ishibashi, Sung Kang, and Terry Chen
Director: Philip G. Atwell
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

FBI Special Agent Crawford (Statham) tries to corner the assassin known as Rogue (Li), finally hoping to get revenge for the murders of his partner and his partner's family. Meanwhile, the killer is attempting to start a war between the Yakuza and Triad gangs in San Francisco for reasons known only to him.


For most of its running time, "War" is a slightly below average action film. The fight and gun-play scenes are okay, the chase scenes outstay their welcome a little, but nothing is too terrible. It remains in this mode, until, literally its final minutes... at which time not one but two surprise twists are introduced, one of which in particular goes a long way to undermine everything we've just sat through.

I don't like spoiling movies in my reviews, so I won't go into details about the twists. If someone out there wants more information, or wants to discuss them, please open a conversation in the Comments section. However, as far as the twists go in the most general of terms...

The first twist relates to the nature and identity of Rogue and what his motivations are. Early in the film, it's established the Rogue is erratic, has changed allegiances at least once in his career, and so unpredictable that some even question whether he exists or not. As we see Rogue in action throughout the movie, we come to see his erratic nature first hand, as whenever we think we know what he's up to, it turns out that it's really something entirely different. It works for the movie, as the "A Fistful of Dollars"-type plot-line with Rogue setting the Yakuza and Triad gangs on a path of mutually assured destruction while both sides think he is working for them while betraying the other is one of its more entertaining aspects. However, it seems extremely contrived--beyond even the point that is acceptable for a film like this, where everything feels contrived to one degree or another when the all of Rogue's secrets are laid bare at the last minute.


Then there's the film's second twist, the one that costs it an entire ratings point all by itself. I don't mind movies of this type having thin plots, nor do I necessarily mind lots and lots of contrived and convenient circumstances to keep them going, nor to I necessarily mind some degree of incoherence and/or illogic in the story-telling; if I did, I doubt I would like any of them. What I don't like is when the filmmakers think they are being clever/dramatic/Shakespearean-level-tragic when they throw in some "surprise revelation" that is badly set up (if set up at all) and which either fits poorly with everything that's gone before, or so transforms our impression of the characters the revelation is related to that it sours us on the entire movie.

In "War," the "clever surprise revelation" is so badly executed that it doesn't quite sour the viewer on the characters, but it will annoy the heck out of anyone who is paying attention. But it is illogical in the extreme and it ruins what might otherwise have been a strong ending--and even a set-up for a potential sequel. Perhaps even worse, it feels like half a twist, as its main set-up comes during the final confrontation between Rogue and the Yakuza. It grows out of what seems to be an obvious lie, and it still feels like a lie even its being confirmed during last two minutes. It's a twist that leads to a turns into a spoiled ending, due to incompetent writing and directing.

As for the acting, nothing here is too terrible, but nothing is all that remarkable either. Jason Statham and Jet Li were both better in their previous teaming--"The One," I film I wished I'd watched again instead of taking the time to see this one--but they do the best with what they have here. Their characters don't demand a whole lot of acting from them, and the fight scenes are pretty standard for the film's we've seen them in.

When "War" was released in 2007, I ignored it, because I felt the previews made it look uninteresting. I should have stayed with my first instincts and ignored it on DVD as well. It's a mediocre action film that's ruined by plot twists conceived by writers who weren't talented enough to properly pull them off.

'Eye See You' isn't worth viewing

Eye See You (aka "D-Tox") (2002)
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Charles Dutton, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Berenger, Polly Walker, Robert Patrick, and Christopher Fulford
Director: Jim Gillespie
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

When his girlfriend is murdered by a serial killer who has targeted him and other cops, FBI Agent Jake Malloy (Stallone) falls apart. After a suicide attempt, he checks himself into an isolated rehab center that specializes in helping police officers. The killer vowed to stay after Malloy, however, and as a blizzard cuts the facility off from the rest of the world, it appears that he may have be making good on his promise.


"Eye See You" is a charmless spin on the "Ten Little Indians"-type mystery--a group of strangers in an isolated setting, one among them is a killer who is bumping off the rest--with a heapin' helpin' of slasher-film style violence added.; Unfortunately, most of the characters never evolve beyond annoying stereotypes and there are a couple of really glaring plotholes that should have been fixed before this movie went anywhere near the public. To make matters worse, the acting is nothing special, except in a negative sense where Stallone is conccerned. He is so awful in this film that if I hadn't just seen "The Expendables", I would be wondering.. the guy could act at one time, right? I'm not misrembering, am I?).

Oh... and the ending is one of those infuriating ones where the hero ends up devolving almost to the level of the bad guy and lowers himself to a status of little more than a murderer himself.

There's nothing new or even particuarly good here. Don't bother seeing "Eye See You."

'The Big Bounce' falls flat

The Big Bounce (2003)
Starring: Owen Wilson, Morgan Freeman, and Sara Foster
Director: George Armitage
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

When small-time thief and grifter Jack Ryan (Wilson) is given a handyman job and an opportunity to go straight by an eccentric Hawaiian judge (Freeman), the path to the straight-and-narrow is obstructed by a willowy sexpot (Foster) who has a full-proof plan to rob the local crime boss. As might be expected, there's no such thing as a perfect plan... at least not when everyone in the picture is a thief and con-artist.


"The Big Bounce" is a run-of-the-mill caper comedy that might have been something special if the twists and turns of the plot hadn't either been so trite that they weren't twists but instead completely predictable, or so badly set up that the viewer is more irritated than surprised when they happen. The film isn't helped by the collection of two-dimensional stock characters that populate it, nor the too slow pace, or the fact that the comedic elements are so worn they're threadbare.

The actors all put on as good performances as can be expected--and watching Foster prance back and forth across the screen in next to nothing is certainly enjoyable--but the awfulness of the script couldn't be overcome.

'Black Cobra 2' is worse than the original

Black Cobra 2 (1988)
Starring: Fred Williamson, Nicholas Hammond, and Emma Hoagland
Director: Stelvio Massi
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Police Lt. Robert Malone (Williamson) is sent to the Philippines to study Interpol techniques after blowing away one hostage-taking drug dealer too many. Always a trouble magnet, Malone and his new Interpol partner, Inspector Kevin McCoal (Hammond), soon find themselves up against a shadowy group of violent Middle Eastern terrorists who are pursuing the beautiful daughter of a small-time thief, Peggy Mallory (Hoagland), for unknown reasons. Before you can say "Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em!" there's gunfire, explosions, silly plottwists and 350 kids held hostage in a building that's rigged to explode... and only Malone and McCoal can save the day!


A fellow movie-lover whose taste is usually to be relied upon told me that each "Black Cobra" film is better than the one than the one before. Well, this is one instance where she was wrong.
"Black Cobra 2" is NOT better than the movie it's a sequel to. While star Fred Williamson is a little less wooden in his second outing as no-nonsense action cop Robert Malone (who gets referred to as "Bob" by the love interest in one of the many sour notes in this film... I'm sorry, but this character is NOT a "Bob." Not even his mother would call him "Bob"), and there is a single very unexpected plot development as the film enters its third act, just about everything else about this movie is so laughably bad that it makes the only other "odd-couple buddy cop" picture I can think of that's on this low level of quality, "The Glimmer Man", look like "Lethal Weapon". Plus, they got rid of the one thing that made Malone a neat character in the original "Black Cobra"--that little cat of his.


From the lamely done chase scene that opens the film to the climactic hostage rescue that closes it, the film's extremely low budget is painfully evident. Further, while the director and his cinematographers are clearly experienced hands at filming martial arts sequences, there's no hiding that catches up with the best of us (like, oh, Fred Williamson) and that more rehearsal time than I'm sure the budget would allow was needed to make the hand-to-hand fight scenes look natural.

And then there's the dialogue. I don't think I've EVER seen so much purple prose in a single movie. The love interest Peggy Mallory was being so over-the-top sappy every time she brought up her father that if I'd been Malone or McCoal, I would have arrested her for the murder of her father; no one talks the way she talks, unless they're being deeply sarcastic. (An extension of the dialogue problem is the voice actors that were used in the badly synched dubbing of the non-English--and even some of the English--speaking actors. Some of them are as bad as the lines they were reading, particularly the woman who was doing Inspector McCoal's young son. It was rather creepy to hear what was obviously an adult woman's voice coming from the mouth of a 7-year-old. Someone get that kid an exorcist!)

To perfect the overall horribleness of the film, there is the fact that there is NO chemistry between any of the actors appearing on screen. While none of the leads are particularly terrible, there's no real sense of connection between any of the characters and there's no reason for the audience to believe that any sort of feelings develop between any of them, other than perhaps mild annoyance. Each character is okay if taken as a 1980s action film stereotype, but when they are put together, they don't work, because the actors aren't connecting.

With a badly written script that overreaches the film's meager budget and a cast of stars that have no shared on-screen chemistry, "Black Cobra 2" has little to recommend it, except as a possible inclusion for a Bad Movie Night--but only after you've already tapped Steven Seagal's offerings. There are a couple of surprising moments in the film--which I can't talk about without spoiling the plot, but one earns the film an additional point on the scale all by itself--but they aren't enough to make this movie worth seeking out.

'The Hollywood Sign' needed to be repaired

The Hollywood Sign (2001)
Starring: Tom Berenger, Burt Reynolds, Rod Steiger, and Jacqueline Kim
Director: Sonke Wortmann
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Three down-and-out former Hollywood leading men (Berenger, Reynolds, and Steiger) stumble into the middle of a Las Vegas casino robbery that's in the planning stages. They decide that if they can't make a comeback in movies, they'll retire on ill-gotten loot, and they force their way into the robbery scheme. Can three well-cured hams outwit hardened criminals and live to tell the tale?


"The Hollywood Sign" features top-notch talent all giving fine performances--with Reynolds in particular putting on a good show--but there are some severe problems with the script that makes this movie go south in the final act. I can't really say what those problems are without spoiling a shocking moment in the film. I'm also not certain if others will have the same reaction to the twist-ending to this film that I has; I rolled my eyes and had to struggle to not reach for the DVD remote, as it coincidentally was the second film I've watched this month that featured such a twist. Admittedly, "The Hollywood Sign" was superior in every conceivable way to that other film--which was so wretched I probably won't even bother posting about it--but I still think the ending was lame. (I can see how the writers might think it was clever, though. It solves a story problem that was brought up at the very beginning of the film and that was echoed a couple times during it.)

This film is worth seeing if you enjoy Reynolds or Steiger as actors, or if you love movies featuring Hollywood insider plot elements. Otherwise, this is a film to pass on.

It takes a real man to drive a pink Cadillac

Pink Cadillac (1989)
Starring: Clint Eastwood, Bernadette Peters, and Timothy Carhart
Director: Buddy Van Horn
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Lou Ann (Peters) gets fed up with her small-time criminal husband (Carhart) after he leaves her holding the bag for a counterfeiting scheme he was involved with--literally, as the bag was full of counterfeit money. She skips bail and takes off with their baby in his vintage pink Cadillac. Unfortunately for Lou Ann, her husband and his partners hid their real money in the Caddy, and they are soon in pursuit. Luckily for Lou Ann, a softhearted skip-tracer (Eastwood) is also on her trail, and he may prove to be the only hope for survival she has.


"Pink Cadillac" is a mostly unfunny comedy with a script that starts out mildly illogical and haphazard and ends in complete nonsensical chaos. It suffers further from having a hero who is arbitrarily goofy (Why does Clint Eastwood's skip-tracer Tommy Nowack habitually dress up in outlandish costumes to catch his prey? It's not something we ever get an answer to, and I don't think the writers knew either.). He's also badly played, something that can rarely be said about Eastwood.

What's more, leading lady Bernadette Peters is more annoying than endearing--which is what the writers were shooting for--and the romance that developes between her and Eastwood feels without any foundation whatsoever. (Yes.. naturally he helps her retreive her baby from the evil white supremist ex-cons of the Brotherhood--it's that kind of movie--but there's no sensible reason for a romance that results in them running off together to evolve.)

The film also sufffers from a distinct lack of apparent threat to the characters. The Black Widow biker gang from "Any Which Way But Loose" and "Any Which Way You Can" seemed more menacing and competent than the moronic Brotherhood, even if the latter are set up to be more vicious and deadly. (Oh... the Black Widow gang was also funnier than the members of the Brotherhood.

Frankly, Clyde the Orangutang (also from "Any Which Way But Loose" and "Any Which Way You Can") out-acted everyone who appeared in this film. It's the worst comedy that Eastwood has appeared in, and it may even be the worst movie he's been in, period. It makes "City Heat" look like a work of pure genius.)

I think even die-hard Eastwood and Peters fans can go without seeing this film. You won't miss anything worthwhile and you'll have two hours of your life to spend in a more productive fashion. (For good Eastwood comedies, check out the the "Any Which Way" films mentioned above.)

'The Black Godfather' is predictable and dated

Black Godfather (1974)
Starring: Rod Perry, Don Chastain, Jimmy Witherspoon, Damu King,and Duncan McLeod
Director: John Evans
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Career criminal JJ (Perry) sets about uniting black hoods and militants under his leadership so he can drive the mafia from the black neighborhoods and take over their criminal rackets in the name of black liberation and money for JJ.


"The Black Godfather" is a 1970s crime drama/action film of the blacksploitation school, with all the stereotypes that implies. Nothing that happens and nothing that is said is any surprise--except perhaps for the drag-queen assassin with the blowgun--and my guess is that you've seen what this film has to offer done better elsewhere. Plus, it's short on drama and action, but long on talkie bits espousing black power, coming from a guy who ultimately is just looking to enrich himself. (At least there's the counterpoint in the form of a thug who truly is devoted to the concept of black empowerment.)

The one thing this movie has going for is is a cast of actors who are better-than-usual for movies of this type and in this budget range. Despite the movie's sluggish pacing and cliched story and characters, these excellent actors manage to keep the viewers engaged. (In fact, I don't think there's anyone who appears in a speaking role who didn't deserve to be in a better movie than this.)

'High Desert' suffers from low quality

High Desert (1993)
Starring: Edward B. Galinski, Ron Jason, and Alice Davidson
Director: Charles T. Lang
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

The homicidal leader of a motorcycle gang (Galinski) murders a camper and kidnaps his girlfriend (Davidson). Another biker (Jason) steps in with an attempt to rescue her.


"High Desert" is another one of those almost-decent films. It has an unspectacular but serviceable idea at its core that could have led to a Rambo vs. Rambo-type showdown (both the Good Biker and Bad Biker are Vietnam Vets), but instead we get run-time extending and budget-saving long sequences of hikes through a mountain forest, and we get a climax that isn't what it should have been (probably because it would have been too difficult for the amateur actors featured in the film to pull off, and possibly even too time and budget intensive) and that further ends up being unintentionally comic due to some very convenient stray bullets. (BTW, if anyone reading this knows John Kerry, tell him about this movie. He'd love it, because it features exactly the negative stereotype of Vietnam Vets that he helped popularize and that he built his political career on.)

The film is also marred by near-universal bad acting. Galinski, who needs to be the ultimate in meancing biker for this movie to work, seems like just another loudmouth jerk and everyone else comes across as if they're just running lines. The only exception to this is Ron Jason, who manages to get a bit of real acting in here and there. (It's probably no coincidence that he's the only actor involved with this project who has any other film credits whatsoever.)

A political comedy that was dated on release

Silver City (2004)
Starring: Danny Huston, Chris Cooper, Richard Dreyfuss, Maria Bello, Daryl Hannah, and Billy Zane
Director: John Sayles
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A press opportunity and campaign commercial shoot for dimwitted gubernatorial candidate Dickie Pilager (Cooper) is disrupted when a dead body is discovered. Take-no-prisoners campaign manager Chuck Raven (Dreyfuss) hires burned-out-reporter turned private detective Danny O'Brien (Huston) to investigage possible links between the Pilager family and the corpse so he can institute damage control if he needs to. O'Brien uncovers far more than anyone had expected, and he drawn into a high-stakes political conspiracy involving billion dollar real estate development deals and illegal alien smuggling.


That summary of "Silver City" maikes it sound far more interesting than it is. This 2004 movie is so heavy-handed in its political messages (Republicans/Conservaitves ALL bad and evil and corrupt and stupid, Democrats/Liberals ALL good and pure and civic-minded and brilliant); the satire not even approaching clever or insightful, but merely recycled George Bush jokes that were old in 2001; and the mystery that Danny O'Brien investigates is drap and ultimately of a "so what"? variety. (But, it mostly becomes that due to the unrelenting, hackneyed political screeds that passes for the script and plot in this piece of junk.)

This is a film that was stale and dated when it was released in September of 2004, and it's only gotten more-so as George W. Bush's presidency slips away into history. Who could have guessed that so many talented actors could be so blinded by their politics so as to not recognize this film for a piece of garbage when they read the script?

This could have been a decent political thriller with satirical overtones if it hadn't been helmed by what I can only assume are a bunch of frothing fanatics. "Silver City" is the political equivilant of a third-rate drama airing late at night that Christian cable channel--if you're a True Believer, you'll think it's thrilling and funny. If you're even the least bit able to see that politics and politicians is far from a black and white game, and that no one rises to the top by being an idiot, and that no one is pure evil or pure sweetness and light, you will find this film to be a total waste of your time.

The only positive thing I can say about "Silver City" is that the cast all turn in excellent performances. I particuarly enjoyed Danny Huston, Billy Zane, and Daryl Hannah. I might even have liked Chris Cooper if his character had been just a tad more original and better written... but he did what he could with the unfunny crap he was working with.

I think the many glowing and fawning reviews this movie--which stinks worse than the corpse that ruins Dickie Pilager's film shoot--can be used as evidence for right-wingers who like to cry about liberal media bias. Only someone who is so severely brainwashed they're a mind-numbed robot could give this film anything approximating a positive review.

'Angel Cop' hasn't stood the test of time

Angel Cop: The Collection (1994)
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

"Angel Cop" is a six-part animated series (presented either on a single VHS tape or DVD in the release I viewed) that is a gritty, bloody tale of cyborgs and cops in a dark near-future. It's a pretty standard tale from the cyberpunk genre, with main characters of questionable morality who are working for bosses who are corrupt and getting ready to screw everyone, and in the end, pretty much everyone dies.

It could be that "Angel Cop" hasn't weathered the passage of time well, but my main reaction to it was to wish that it had presented SOMETHING original. I'd seen everything in "Angel Cop" elsewhere, and I'd seen it done better.

This is a programme that is passable on every level--decent animation throughout, decent voice-actors, decent storyline--except when it comes to originality. And I suspect the marketeers knew this too, which is why the cover image features the female cop with her motorcycle suit zipped waaaay down to show cleavage and then some. (Sorry guys... she never gets that undressed in the show itself.)

China also made 'crazy Vietnam vet' films

The Long Goodbye (aka "The Head Hunter") (1981)
Starring: Chow Yun-Fat, Rosamund Kwan, Philip Chan, Chun Hsiang Ko, and Melvin Wong
Director: Shing Hon Lau
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Andy (Yun-Fat) is an ex-South Vietnamese soldier now working as a hitman for an international crime syndicate and arms-dealers who use a movie studio as its legitimate front. He is himself is marked for death after first assassinating Soviet agents in Kwoloon and then later refusing to kill his investigative reporter girlfriend, Vicky (Kwan).


"The Long Goodbye" is a low-budget crime drama that suffers from a chaotic plot, glacial pacing, useless subplots, indifferent camera and lighting work, and a cast of actors who mostly seem like they'd rather be anywhere else but on the set of this movie.

The film shows a few glimmers of quality and real suspense at the climax, as Andy squares off his one-time boss and a crazed, machete-wielding assassin with Vicky's life at stake. Unfortunately, what's good about the ending is almost ruined by an awful, inconsistent music soundtrack that seems to get worse even as the rest of the film gets better in its closing minutes.

I think that anyone except the world's biggest fans of Chow Yun-Fat or Rosamund Kwan can safely take a pass on this movie, although it is interesting to note that the Chinese made "crazy Vietnam Vet" movies, too.

'Haunts' is an interesting misfire

Haunts (aka "The Veil") (1977)
Starring: May Britt, Cameron Mitchell, and Aldo Ray
Director: Herb Free
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A young woman (Britt) haunted by dark memories is stalked by a murdering rapist, or is she? The town sheriff (Aldo) thinks she's being hysterical... and just what is it her slovenly uncle (Mitchell) doing with his nights?


"Haunts" is a thriller that attempts to use a mentally unbalanced character to provide the narrative Point of View for the film. It's a clever and laudable idea, but it's not one that the director and writer (one and the same, at least with a co-writing credit on the script) were up to pulling off. The film is a bit too slow in unfolding, and what could have been a truly powerful ending (with some chilling realizations dawning on the part of the attentive viewers) is weakened by it likewise going on for a tad too long and by a last-minute attempt at throwing a possibility of something supernatural into a straight thriller. Once again, we have an ending that's ruined by filmmakers who just didn't know when to quit.

With some judicious editing, this film could actually be quite good, and it's one I wish I liked more. There's alot of misspent potential here, and all the three leads do such a good job that the void of talent embodied by some of the supporting cast is almost not noticeable. (In fact, a scene in a bar featuring two of these talentless actors could be cut almost entirely, and the film would immediately get stronger in several ways--the mystery of the killer's ID would be heightened, and we'd have lost some of the more noxious flab dangling from the work's body.

Don't spend your cash on 'Hard Cash'

The vast majority of movies I watch, I come to cold. If I know anything about them, it comes from reading the blurb on the back of the DVD case, or, rarely, a review on another website or a preview on the DVD itself, which I sometimes watch to decide if I'm actually in the mood for the film in question.

Such was the case with "Hard Cash". I'm a fan of Christian Slater, and I am of course familiar with Val Kilmer and Daryl Hannah, but I knew nothing about the film itself. So, after it sat about a month in my review stack, I stuck it in the DVD player to, at the very least, watch any preview of it that might be included.

And I decided that I had to watch the movie right then, because any flick that's got a midget assassin hiding in a toilet bowl can't be all bad (particularly when it's the midget who played Mini-Me).

But, unfortunately, the midget assassin in the toilet was merely indicative of the turd that this movie turned out to be... and I had been suckered by a well-done promo.


Hard Cash (aka "Run for the Money") (2002)
Starring: Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, Sara Downing and Daryl Hannah
Director: Peter Antonijevic
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Thomas (Slater), a clever thief working with a gang of morons who manage to pull off a $1.9 million heist. All Thomas wants is to split the money with his partners and flee to lead a better life with his young daughter and girlfriend (Downing). Unfortunately, Thomas and his gang stole marked money that a crooked, mildly insane FBI agent (Kilmer) had already stolen and was having laundered. Now, Thomas has to pull off an impossible job at the behest of the crooked Fed while trying to keep his own criminal associates from killing him and each other.


I love a good heist movie, I love good action films, I love good crime dramas, and I love good comedies. "Hard Cash", a film with a case of severe attention deficit disorder, tries to be all of the above, but fails to be any of the above. It reminded me of a pale imitation of a Donald Westlake novel, except the jokes weren't all that funny and the stakes didn't seem to higher... only more unbelievable and stupid. Worse, the stunts and chases aren't particularly good (and obviously cheaply made... the filmmakers couldn't even bother to make most of the cars they demolished look like anything but the junkers they were) and the heists weren't very suspenseful. In fact, "Hard Cash" does a great job at remaining 100% Tension Free. (In fact, the "teaser heist" at the very beginning of the movie is more interesting than anything that follows.)

The only halfway decent thing about this film is Christian Slater and the character he plays--even Val Kilmer can quite manage to rise above the awful script and character he has to work with. Slater's character is the only one with even the slightest bit of depth in the film, and he is the only one who seems to be doing any acting. (Okay, so he's the same character he is in most movies he's done--he's Christian Slater!--but at least there's SOME range of emotion in his performance. No one else has that.

Save your hard-earned cash for something better than "Hard Cash".

'The Order' isn't one you need to order

The Order (aka "Jihad Warrior") (2001)
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sofia Milos, Sasson Gabai, Vernon Dobtcheff, Ben Cross Brian Thompson and Charlton Heston
Director: Sheldon Lettich
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

An internationally infamous art thief (Van Damme) must team up with an Israeli cop (Milos)--who is presumably infamous for always wearing her uniform buttoned down to the middle of her chest--to rescue his father from the clutches of a crazed religious leader (Thompson) who is bent on bringing about Armageddon.


While watching this film, be as excited as Van Damme and Milos look to be in the picture above. The film has a paper-thin plot with most of the characters being driven by weak motivations (or by nothing but plot dictates and Stupid Character Syndrom), and all the action and fight scenes being ineptly photographed, badly edited and perhaps even under-rehearsed.

The paper-thin plot and weak characters can be forgiven, I suppose, but the inept handling of the fight scenes cannot. With the exception a fight during the heist that opens the film, every fight has a cheap and amateurish feel to it, with too many cuts and close-ups of the action to really seeing what's going on and entirely too much use of slow-motion of Van Damme jumping or kicking. It screams either of an attempt to cover of badly rehearsed fights or of a director and cinematographer who didn't know how to film martial arts action. The many chase scenes are handled pretty well--with the exception of a motorcycle sequence that is filmed and edited so badly that it positively screams, "Look! Stunt Double driving instead of Van Damme!" This ineptitude carries through straight to the big final battle between Van Damme and the religious crazy, bringing the film to a close on a low note that is only made worse at a misfired attempt at a humorous denouement.

For all the films faults, the actors do as good a job as can be expected with the material they are working with. Van Damme is charming and funny while Sofia Milos wears that half-unbuttoned police uniform like few others have ever worn half-unbuttoned police uniforms before. Charlton Heston's extended cameo is badly written, but he does a good job with it and the same is true of supporting cast members Ben Cross and Brian Thompson. Their parts are horribly written, but they are appropriately sinister.

The backdrop of Jerusalem is also interesting, especially the way the film demonstrates during a foot chase how wildly different communities that are hostile to each other exist in very tight quarters, with Van Damme fleeing from secular police to the protection of Hasedic Jews and then finds himself being stared down by hostile Muslims, all over the space of just a few minutes.

That said, the film is a letdown in all areas that really matter when we are sitting down to watch a Jean Claude Van Damme film. It ranks among his weakest efforts to date.

Double Feature: The Miss Congeniality Saga

During the early 2000s, Sandra Bullock starred two movies as Gracie Hart, an FBI agent who went undercover as a beauty queen. Like the "Speed" movies in the 1990s, Sandra Bullock starred in one excellent film and then signed up for a sequel that was nowhere near as good. In this post, I review both of the "Miss Congeniality" films.



Miss Congeniality (2000)
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, Michael Cain, Heather Burns, and William Shatner
Director: Donald Petrie
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When an unknown madman threatens a beauty pagent, life-long tomboy FBI Agent Gracie Hart (Bullock) must master all the feminine graces and go undercover as a pageant participant to unmask the killer.

"Miss Congeniality" is a funny fish-out-of-water comedy, with the standard theme of characters who have their preconceived notions of each other (and even themselves) challenged and emerge at the end of the story having learned valuable lessons and gained a deeper understanding of themselves and everyone around them.


In the case of Gracie, she learns to embrace a part of herself that she's denied since she was a girl, and she learns to respect the hopes and dreams of those who might not want the same things she does. It's actually a rather touching transformation that the character undergoes, and it's a testament to Bullock's acting ability that Gracie comes across like a three-dimensional character in a movie that is otherwise populated with outrageous stereotypes and excuses for slapstick comedy. (And speaking of slap-stick, Bullock also displays a great talent for physical comedy in this film.)

Although Bullock is definately the star of the film, she is ably assisted by her co-stars and supporting players, all of whom put in excellent comedic performances (with the exception of Benjamin Bratt, who is the films only straight man... but he fills that role admirable). Bergen and Shatner are particularly fun as a pair of aging pageant organizers, and Caine is fantastic as the beauty expert tapped by the FBI to infuse Gracie with some grace.

"Miss Congeniality" is definately a comedy that's worth seeing.



Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005)
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Regina King, Enrique Murciano, William Shatner, and Heather Burns
Director: John Pasquin
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

In "Miss Congeniality 2", Gracie Hart (Bullock), too famous for fieldwork after her adventure with the beauty pageant, and with slightly more refined manners, is tapped to be the FBI's "celebrity face". With her romantic life coming unglued for reasons she can't understand, she throws herself completely into the life of an empty-headed PR flack. But then two of the friends she made during the pageant caper (Shatner and Burns) are kidnapped, so she flies to Las Vegas in an unauthorized attempt to rescue them.


As much as I loved "Miss Congeniality", I find very little to recommend the sequel. The biggest problem is that everything that made Gracie Hart a likable and sympathetic character in the first film are absent for most of the sequel, because she spends most of the story playing at being someone she is not. It doesn't help matters that her new partner (King) is just plain obnoxious and completely devoid of any interesting character qualities.

With Bullock playing someone who is playing a lame character, we're left with the supporting cast for most of the laughs in the movie. Shatner and Burns (who spend most of the film tied up in a little shack) are very, very funny, and they're worth two of the tomatoes I gave the film. Likewise, Murchiano (best known for deadpan, ultra-serious performances on the crime drama "Without A Trace"), as a nebbish FBI Agent who learns to stand up for himself once Gracie rediscovers who she is, displays some fine comedic talent. However, everyone has limited material to work with, as the story is very flimsy.

I think all the performers do the best with what they have to work with, but it just isn't enough. The film has no heart, but just feels like a string of badly told, fairly tired jokes. Worse, Bullock and the Gracie Hart character are so badly wasted that this film almost makes one forget what was so charming and fun about the original "Miss Congeniality."

'The Devil's Own' is a movie he can keep

The Devil's Own (1997)
Starring: Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt
Director: Alan J. Pakula
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A New York cop of Irish background (Ford) becomes host to an IRA terrorist (Pitt) who is the United States to buy weapons.


"The Devil's Own" spends much of its time in an offensive romanticising of a filthy bunch of murderous terrorists. The ONLY thing this movie gets right about Northern Ireland, the IRA, and Americans of Irish heritage is that Americans of Irish heritage either were too stupid or intellectual lazy to see the IRA for what they rea,lly are. (My money's on intellectually lazy... because Americans of Arab background or the Muslim persuasion are as stupid about twisted freaks like Hamas as the Irish-Americans used to be about the IRA.)

While the film does have some nicely done action sequences, there is too much offensive pablum here for me to recommend even watching it for that. (And why couldn't Brad Pitt hold his accent for more than one or two lines? Did he really choose to badmouth the film before it came out because he knew that he sucked worse than the script he was performing?)

'Disk Jockey' is a quirky gangster film

Disk Jockey (2005)
Starring: Devyan DuMon, Josh Fallon, and Kristin Busk
Director: Zachary Yoshioka
Steve's Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Dane (DuMon) and Frankie B (Fallon) a pair of hitmen who are as fast with their mouths as they are with their triggers, have spent the past six years attempting to track down a computer disk stolen by a former partner, a disk that is a complete record of all the murders they've committed. Just as it seems to be within their grasp, a mysterious trio of gun-toting women snatch it away. Will our murderous heroes prevail (particularly since they only have a 60-minute movie to do so in)?

"Disk Jockey" is a strange little gangster movie that moves with lightning-fast speed from action to goofy comedy to third-wall self-mockery and back again, in a completely unpredictable fashion. This random mix of elements gives the film a playful quality and makes for interesting viewing. The actors very clearly seem to be having while making the film is also transferred to those watching it.

The film is all the more fun to watch in that its leads are actually pretty competent actors. DuMon manages to both be funny and menacing as a hitman who likes to bake pastries in his off-hours, while Fallon shines as the film's third-wall narrator (causing the action to literally freeze in place when he turns to address the viewer) and an annoying "gangsta"-type character.


Another strong aspect of the film is that the director didn't feel the need to pad it to a particularly running length. It runs a very fast, barebones 60 minutes, and not a single second is wasted. I wish more low-budget directors would take this approach. (That said, I think the film might have benefited from a couple of real character development scenes.)

On the downside, there are times when the actors are having just a little too much fun and the film crosses moves well past the line between goofiness and stupidity, such as when one of the female assassins decides to climb some monkeybars while they are covertly sneaking into a house early in the film. The film (and the actors) are also just a little too playful in an extended fight sequence between our "heroes" and their female competitors; either more practice was needed on the part of the actors, or more care was needed to have been taken in filming the fights, because I've rarely seen stage fighting so badly presented on film. Even the most generous viewer won't be able to find the fight convincing, because it's obvious that none of the kicks or blows connect. Basically, it is so obvious that everyone is play-acting that it's impossible to get into the film at those points. (On the other hand, the gun violence is rather nicely done.)

Double Feature: Tales of Jimmy the Tulip

The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
Starring: Matthew Perry, Bruce Willis, Amanda Peet, Natasha Henstridge, Roseanna Arquette, Michael Clarke Duncan and Kevin Pollack
Director: Jonathan Lynn
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When Oz (Perry), a hapless nice-guy dentist caught in a loveless marriage to an uber-bitch wife (Arquette), befriends his new next door neighbor Jimmy (Willis), his life is transformed overnight. Suddenly, he is surrounded by killers, femme fatales, and revenge-hungry Hungarian gangsters.


"The Whole Nine Yards" is a movie that's part screwball comedy, part romantic comedy, part heist story, part crime drama, and a whole lot of hilarity. It's a movie full of likable characters with a charming air about it that reminded me of a number of comedies or light-hearted mysteries from the 1930s and 1940s (such as "Slightly Honorable", "Half a Sinner", "His Girl Friday", and "Bringing Up Baby", even if the stakes and body count are far higher here than in any of those movies). Matthew Perry's performance in particular reminded me of the hapless,clumsy heroes featured in those sorts of movies. I can't think of anyone who has been able to be goofy and do pratfall after pratfall yet still maintain a sort of dignity like Perry does in this film since Cary Grant.

The fun of this movie is found partly in its twisting and turning story--which sees two major, very well executed major reversals of audience expectations without losing even a tiny of momentum of as it keeps building toward not one but two dramatic and well-done endings--but also in its cast of charming characters presented by perfectly cast actors.

Bruce Willis gives perhaps the most versatile and surprising performance in the entire movie. He plays Jimmy the Tulip, a self-centered, greedy contract killer and Willis projects exactly the sort of menace that you'd expect such a character to exude. At the same time--literally, in more than one scene--he also projects a level of charm and likability that makes you wish he was your next door neighbor. Amanda Peet's character is much the same; she plays the most likable and lovable sociopath I've ever seen in any movie. Their casual, jovial approach to the business of murder is offset by the calm grace of Natasha Henstridge who plays a classic femme fatale. (And, of course, Matthew Perry's Everyman character provies a solid foundation for the other performances, as he stumbles and pratfalls his way through the ever-thickening and deadly plot while giving voice to the sense of horror and outrage the audience should be feeling if they weren't so busy laughing.)

This a very cool comedy that features a stellar cast at their best. I recommend it highly. (And I think I may have to reevaluate my opinion of Matthew Perry. I'd only ever seen him before in the two or three episodes of "Friends" I'd tried to sit through. He's obviously far more talented than anything that was on display there.)



The Whole Ten Yards (2004)
Starring: Matthew Perry, Bruce Willis, Amanda Peet, Kevin Pollack, Natasha Henstridge, and Tasha Smith
Director: Howard Deutch
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Two years after successfully hoodwinking organized crime and authorities to let murderous lovebirds Jimmy and Jill (Willis and Peet), the past comes back to haunt nebbish dentist Oz (Perry) and his gun moll wife (Henstridge) when she is kidnapped by Hungarian gangsters in search of revenge. Oz turns to Jimmy for help, making a bad situation worse and starting a series of events that grow increasingly strange and evermore deadly.


"The Whole Ten Yards" is a clumsily named sequel to one of the best mob comedies ever filmed. It's also so clumsily executed that it will be hard to follow if you haven't seen the film it's a sequel to, "The Whole Nine Yards", because it assumes complete knowledge of the main characters and the events that brought them together in the first place.

Unfortunately, if you saw "The Whole Nine Yards", all you'll take a way from this movie is disappointment. The jokes are mostly lame, the charming sides of Perry, Willis' and Peet's characters that made the first movie so enjoyable is nowhere to be seen here--and even Perry's physical comedy and spittakes seem tired and forced here. Worse, the suspense that mixed easily with the comedy in the original film has been replaced with badly mounted attempts at absurd humor. (Perhaps these differences are the mark of a film helmed by a talented director versus one that isn't?)

Rating a very low 4, "The Whole Ten Yards" is a great disappointment considering the excellence of the film it follows and the great cast that reprised their parts that has nothing of what made the first movie worth watching (including Amanda Peet's naked breasts).

Psychic madman stalks innocent family

In Dreams (1999)
Starring: Annette Bening, Aiden Quinn, Paul Guilfoyle, Stephen Rea, Katie Sagona and Robert Downey, Jr.
Director: Neil Jordan
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Claire (Bening) finds herself connected psychically to a madman (Downey) who starts targeting her family for reasons only he understands. Will she able to convince anyone that she isn't crazy before he kills everyone she loves, including Claire herself?


"In Dreams" is an interesting supernatural thriller where the film takes its time revealing whether the main character is psychic, telepathically linked with a serial killer, or just plain crazy. That aspect of the film is very well done. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is dragged down by over-acting and poorly developed story elements.

Take for example the psychiatrist that plays a key role in getting Claire committed to a mental hospital. It's one thing to for him to do so initially, but why does it take him and the orderlies a couple of days to notice the carvings on the wall of Claire's cell, carvings that she could not have made? Well... no reason other than some time needed to pass for plot reasons. And it really is too much of a coincidence that Claire just happened to be placed in the same cell that her "psychic twin" had inhabited a decade or so earlier.

Too much of the movie's story relies on such far-feteched coincidences to be fully effective. If just a little more care and effort had been put into the script and if Annette Bening had dailed back the histronics and melodrama just a tad, this could have been an excellent little chiller. It's still entertaining--Robert Downey, Jr. makes a great madman and his final fate is one that will cause most viewers to chuckle evilly to themselves--but there are too many moments where the attentive viewer will be annoyed by the sloppy story. (Actually, even the ending, which I am fond of, is a bit underdeveloped.)

This flawed film is worth checking out if you notice it showing on TV, but it's not worth going out of your way for. It has some great and creepy moments and it has a neat ending, but those aren't enough to save it.