Something of interest to old-school gamers....

As you may or may not be aware, I used to make my living full-time writing roleplaying games. It's a field I'm edging back toward, so if you're hiring, I'm available for work! :)

At any rate, I am offering up a few fun RPG items through pdf retailer RPGNOW, the latest of which is a booklet rules material and a couple of characters intended for OGL Modern/d20 Modern and similar campaigns, "Modern Advances: The Hardcore Activist & The Masked Avenger". Check it out by clicking here!

(Even if you're not a d20 Modern player, you might be entertained by reading the character descriptions in the product preview.)

'Law Abiding Citizen' is fun in a pulp fiction way

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)
Starring: Jamie Foxx, Gerald Butler, Colm Meany, Bruce McGill, and Leslie Bibb
Director: F. Gary Gray
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Ten years after his wife and daughter are brutally murdered, a man (Butler) embarks on a flashy killing spree to extract vengeance not only on the killers, but also on the ambitious district attorney who let his concern over conviction rates supersede the pursuit of justice (Foxx) and on the entire court system. However, even after he has been caught and put in isolation in a maximum security prison, the murders continue in ever-more brutal and elaborate ways.

"Law Abiding Citizen" has its starting point in a world that feels like it could be the one just outside your window and across town where the lawyers hang out. The place where movies like "Runaway Jury", "The Star Chamber" and "Presumed Innocent" takes place. As the film progresses, its world evolves into that inhabited by the characters of Liam Neeson and Jean Claude Van Damme movies. As the film is making its transition from a courtroom-dramaesque movie into a full-blown, pulp fiction-flavored thriller with a mysterious, unstoppable killer bent on taking out the city's leading citizens, it feels a bit shaky and it becomes hard to suspend one's disbelief, but once you're in the world of remote control murders, the film is fun again.

An interesting aspect of the film is that the character we're supposed to be sympathetic toward really isn't such a nice guy. Much of the mayhem in the film comes about because he was more concerned about his career prospects as advancing as a prosecutor than seeing justice done for the brutal rape and murder of a man's wife and little daughter. Jamie Foxx's character clearly accepted a plea bargain for one of the killer/rapists primarily because he was concerned first and foremost about his conviction rate. It's hard to like this character within the context of the movie... especially when he constantly comes across as a sanctimonious hypocrite without much to balance that out. Similarly, the other character for whom we might be able to feel some sympathy toward. the widower father who feels the system has let him down, is psychopathic terrorist who is ultimately far worse than the scum who took away his family. When it comes right down to it, this is a film where our sympathies lie with the poor saps getting mowed down as a result of what these two men do. That is another reason the film feels unstable and directionless in the middle, because without a clear set of genre conventions to guide our expectations, and without a main character to root for and/or hate more than the opposing force arrayed against him, one can't help but feel there might be better ways to spend your time.

Ultimately, once the film settles into its cartoonish universe of self-centered prosecutors (who somehow still manage to not neglect their families much) and vigilante terrorists with not only the desire but also the means and skill to threaten the political and judicial class of a major American city, it turns out to be fun ride, with a far-fetched mystery plot to work out as it progresses.

Nothing here is terribly brilliant writing-, directing- or cinematography-wise, the most engaging performances are actually provided by the supporting cast--if this wasn't the case, perhaps I would have felt more for the main characters than I did--and the ending will only work for you if you were able to follow the movie from a grounded world to one of criminal masterminds and super spies. Otherwise, you will probably have something of a sour taste in your mouth as the end credits start to roll, and you will find yourself wondering if anyone knew what point they were trying to make with this movie.

Yesterday Van Damme... today Seagal!

This is a hilarious short film that sells beer while having Steven Seagal poke fun at the fact that for years has been playing parts that he hasn't been fit for in years. ("Are you the only 26 year old who has never lied?" his idiot friend asks him at one point.) And the plot isn't any more far-fetched than some of those in Seagal's real movies.

This ad ranks among Seagal's best work in years. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for "Sheep Impact".

Craig: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Seagal: "No, I'm thinking normal human thoughts."

How cold and refreshing was it, JCVD?

"Most interesting man in the world, my frost-bitten Belgian ass!"

'Andy Barker, P.I.' was a cute detective comedy

Andy Barker, P.I.: The Complete Series (2007)
Starring: Andy Richter, Tony Hale, Harve Presnell, Clea Lewis, and Marshall Manesh
Director: Jason Ensler
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

In the Spring of 2007, NBC aired six episodes of a Conan O'Brien created and produced half-hour comedy series centered around an accountant who starts working as a detective on the side when people come to his office in search of its former occupant, a hardboiled detective who retired.

Starring Andy Richter as Andy Barker, the show's comedy was generated to a large extent by the fact that Andy was a perfectly typical small business owner--with a lovely wife, two kids, and a house in the suburbs--who enjoyed working in the accounting profession. He only reluctantly gets involved in detective work, and not because he is interested in excitement or danger, but because he is interested in helping people. Unlike most lead characters in detective shows, Andy Barker's main goal is not to be a detective or a crime fighter or even famous. He's happy being a anonymous but solidly reliable accountant. As he says in one episode, "I've never filed a tax return late in my life, and I'm not going to start now!"

Much of the show's humor grows out of the contrast between the straighter-than-straight arrow Andy, the criminal element he comes in contact with, and the crazy people he meets in the course of his detective work and by just renting an office in the strip mall. The character of Andy's wife, played by a perfectly cast Clea Lewis, also brings a few laughs as she is down-to-earth enough to be a believable companion for Andy but just odd enough to be a source of humor.

Each episode of the short-lived series sees Andy dragged into a storyline that could (and probably has) been featured in any straight detective show you care to mention. Crooked cops, Russian gangsters, identity thieves, racketeers... Andy squares off against all of these, baffling and ultimately defeating them with a lot of common decency and a little dash of common sense.

The visual style of the episodes feels like the detective shows of the 1980s and 1990s, although the characters and stories are completely grounded in today. There are also numerous subtle references to classic mystery films, with Hitchcock fans in particularly finding touches to giggle at. Not so subtle mystery spoofs are also present in the form of aforementioned Lew Staziak, who is an aging tough guy private eye ripped from the pages of a dimestore novel with more than a slight touch of senile dementia.

The characters that made "Andy Barker, P.I." so much fun (left to right):
Simon (Tony Hale), Wally (Marshall Manesh), Andy & Jenny Barker
(Andy Richter and Clea Lewis), and Lew Staziak, (Harv Presnell).

The episodes break down like this:

Episode One: Andy Barker, P.I.
Andy opens his own accounting firm, taking offices on the second floor of a suburban strip mall. A woman comes to his door and, mistaking him for the former tenant, private detective Lew Staziak, begs him to find her missing husband. Andy discovers that the same sort of research talents and attention to detail that let him solve even the most baffling accounting puzzles lend themselves just as well to solving mysteries. Unfortunately, the woman who hired him was not really the man's wife, and Andy ends up leading violent criminals to the hiding place of an anti-crime crusading politician.

Episode Two: Fairway, My Lovely
When one of Andy's accounting clients drops dead on the golf course, he and the coroner write it off as natural causes, because this was a guy who liked to think of himself as "44% NOT body fat" and who put the morbid in morbidly obese. When the decedent's wife pleads Andy to look into the case, because she is certain he was murdered, Andy is confronted with two puzzles: Who killed him, and why the heck did every woman find him so attractive (including Andy's own wife). [This is arguably the funniest episode in the bunch. The storyline is also a clever mystery spoof with an ending that I'm sure you won't see coming.]

Episode Three: Three Days of the Chicken
Wally, the America-loving Afghani owner of the fast food restaurant downstairs from Andy's office, is threatened by an unscrupulous chicken distribution cartel that is forcing him to buy substandard meat. Against the advice of Lew Staziak, Andy decides to intervene... and finds himself confronted with some really fowl dealings by corrupt and deadly characters.

Episode Four: Dial M for Laptop
When Lew Staziak decides to get back into the P.I. business as Andy's partner, he forgets to tell Andy. As a result, a group of identity thieves Lew was trying to entrap steal Andy's laptop instead of the dummy laptop Andy was to give them. In less than 24 hours, Andy must locate the identity thieves not only to save Lew's client, but to also preserve his own reputation and self-respect; his father-in-law's tax return was on that laptop, unfiled, and if Andy can't retrieve he'll miss the IRS filing deadline!

Episode Five: The Big No Sleep
When Andy's baby girl loses her favorite stuffed toy, Snowball, at a charity benefit, she keeps Andy and his wife up all night crying. His search for the toy becomes complicated when he discovers that the sick woman for whom the benefit was being held was faking her illness, and that her doctor may be in on the fraud. And that doesn't even take into account the Albanian gangsters.

Episode Six: The Lady Varnishes
When Andy is called upon to clear an old girlfriend of Lew Staziak of a 50 year-old murder, the true murderer--Lew's old partner--sets out to stop him from succeeding. [Ed Asner guest-stars in this episode, presenting a hilarious character who, like Lew, seems like he just warped in from from a 1947 crime movie... and who is every bit as crazy as Lew. But more evil. James Hong and Amy Sedaris also appear in hilarious supporting roles.]

The stars and creators of "Andy Barker, P.I" had deep affection for the show, and they are of one mind that it had the potential to be a long-lived series. I'm not sure; as good as these six episodes are, I think the inherent shallowness in the half-hour format would have quickly forced the show into territory that was either repetitive or so far fetched and screwball that the charm of these first six episodes would have evaporated. However, we will never know. Although the show was moderately popular, NBC didn't think the ratings warranted its continuation.





The entire series has been released on DVD by Shout Factory. The collection features some very interesting interviews with the writers, producers, stars, and director of the series, as well as some highly informative and entertaining commentary on the episodes from the same. They really are a cut above the usual standards on these collections, and they add much value to this already worth-owning set.

You can also watch the series for free at IMBD.com, by clicking here.

Not terribly good, but still compelling

The Kidnapping of the President (1980)
Starring: William Shatner, Hal Holbrook, Miguel Fernandes, and Van Johnson
Director: George Mendeluk
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

The President of the United States (Holbrook) is kidnapped by a psychotic South American professional revolutionary (Fernandes) and held for ransom inside an booby-trapped armored truck full of explosives. It's up to a gun-shy Secret Service agent (Shatner), haunted by the memory of the Kennedy assassination, to figure out a way to save him.

"The Kidnapping of the President" is one of those movies that's saved by its cast. The plot is forced, the dialogue is universally awful, and the ending is all but spoiled by the director trying to ring some forced and very artificial suspense out of the final few moments.

Despite all the flaws, this is a film you watch because the actors in it as so likable and good. Hal Holbrook takes the character of President Adam Scott, who is written like an arrogant blow-hard, and gives him charm and likability. Shatner takes the Secret Service agent Jerry O'Conner, who is written like a borderline whiner, and infuses him with an air of resolve and toughness. Because of the performances by these two actors, the film's flaws seem to fade and you become interested in seeing how it will all turn out.

Van Johnson and Eva Gardner also do their best to bring life to a pointless subplot involving the corrupt Vice President and his shrewish wife. For what they had to work with, they do a decent job, but it really is an element the that added very little to the film. (They got this part of the political thriller aspect right in "Air Force One", another "the president is kidnapped by terrorists" movie... and perhaps one that learned from the mistakes of those that came before? Instead of delving into the background of the Vice President and his questionable morals and henpecked homelife, the filmmakers should have focused on the political mechanisms that kick in when the President is under threat.

If you like light-weight political thrillers, especially if you're a fan of William Shatner or Hal Holbrook, this is a movie worth checking out.

A great cast is weighed down by a weak script

Backdraft (1991)
Starring: William Baldwin, Kurt Russell, Robert DeNiro, Jason Gedrick, Donald Sutherland, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Scott Glenn
Director: Ron Howard
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

A green-horn arson investigator (Baldwin), analyzing information about a series of bizarre fires provided to him by a pyromaniac arsonist (Sutherland), comes to believe there is a fire-bug within the ranks of the city's fire department... within the very company commanded by his estranged older brother (Russell).

"Backdraft" is a movie with some spectacular stunt and scenes involving supposedly raging fires. It's a bit unbelievable how Russell's character constantly charges into burning buildings without proper equipment (even while every other firefighter around him is properly suited up), but the story and characters are interesting enough that ends up being a minor complaint.

What is somewhat more damning is the fact the movie seems to meander a bit, as Howard insists on a dull and distracting subplot about Stephen's failed marriage. The film would have seemed a lot more suspenseful if the building drama hadn't been interrupted three times for interludes with Stephen trying to recapture what is already gone. (All Howard needed was the scene where Brian goes to Stephen's home, only to be told he doesn't live there anymore.)

The mystery portion of the film (the who, how, and why of the artful fires) works very well, and, as mentioned, the fire-related scenes are all spectacular... "Backdraft" can truly be said to have a fiery climax!

Of the actors, Donald Sutherland deserves special mention. His part is fairly small, but he definitely puts on an interesting show as the batshit-crazy arsonist who wants to burn down the whole world, and who believes fire is a living beast that must be loved and fed. (DeNiro and he are arch-enemies, and DeNiro's otherwise bland character becomes more interesting because of the one Sutherland so brilliantly plays... because both men seem to think of fire in the same way.)

"Backdraft" is a movie I think is worth seeing at least once. It's a shame that Howard and the script writers didn't see fit to serve up a more streamlined final product... that probably would have resulted in this good movie being a great one.

'Submerged' shouldn't have been allowed to rise

Submerged (2005)
Starring: Steven Seagal and Christine Adams
Director: Anthony Hickox
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Commander Cody (Seagal) and his misfit Special Forces submarine crew are released from a Navy brig so they can assault the stronghold of an international criminal who has somehow managed to assassinate a U.S. ambassador. Treachery is piled upon treachery, and Cody and his crew find themselves fighting against a foe who can turn even the firmest friend into an enemy through a flawless brainwashing technique.

There are some movies that are just plain bad, and "Submerged" is one of them. It's got a nonsensical script that is so badly paced and so flimsy in its motivations that it manages to sap even unintentional humor from the notion of a collection of action movie stock characters who conduct secret missions that rely on stealing submarines to be successfully concluded. The most remarkable thing about the movie is how pathetic the submarine sets are, given how central the submarine is to the first half of the movie (which, by the way, has virtually nothing to do with the second half). I would very much like to have the hour-and-a-half I wasted on thismovie back.

On the other hand, I should have realized that any film we're expected to take seriously by writers with so little self-respect and producers and directors so dumb that they'd let the main character be named Commander Cody couldn't possibly be any good. It's too bad really. There was a time when Seagal starred in fun cheesy movies instead of awful ones.

One of Bruce Lee's best efforts

The Chinese Connection (aka "Fist of Fury") (1972)
Starring: Bruce Lee, James Tien, Nora Miao, and Riki Hashimoto
Director: Lo Wei
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

A martial arts student (Lee) goes on a murderous rampage against a corrupt Japanese martial arts dojo to avenge the death of his teacher and the loss of honor to his school.

"The Chinese Connection" is one of the best martial arts movies and revenge flicks ever made. There is no Wire Fu, no trick photography, and no stunt doubles standing in for the lead actor. Also, while the viewer shares in the hero's brutal revenge against the Japanese scum-dogs, there is never any doubt throughout the picture that Bruce Lee's character Chen is giving up his soul and lowering himself to the level of those he has set out to destroy. When Chen's quest for revenge reaches its inevitable conclusion--with the destruction not only of his enemies but also himself--we've been treated to a well-crafted polemic against racism and cycles of revenge and violence.

Like so many Chinese movies of its day, this one features Japanese villains of the darkest and most vile sort, but unlike most of the others, this movie takes a more complex stand than just "Japanese Bad and Perverted, Chinese Good and Virtuous". And this makes it an imminently watchable movie, even in this day and age of overly hysterical attitudes toward portrayals of racism and bigotry in fiction and movies.

The superior quality of the story and the great acting performances not only from Bruce Lee but every single member of the cast are such that they can even overcome one of the very worst dubbing jobs I've experienced since renting my first Kung Fu movies with friends from the local grocery store some 30 years ago. Not only was the English tortured in many cases, but the entire cast was dubbed by what may have been one single actor. Lee's voice characterized as laughably deep, and he did the women by speaking in a high-pitched falsetto, while everyone in between sounded roughly similar to one another.

But, even with the eccentric dubbing, this was a very entertaining film. The fight scenes are cool and fast-moving, and Lee's methods for stalking and killing the students and hirelings of the Japanese dojo were amusing and a little scary at the same time. But always, ultimately mercilessly brutal.

"The Chinese Connection" was Bruce Lee's second feature film, and it rightly solidified him as an international superstar. If he had continued to involve himself with such high quality projects as this one, he would have gone onto becoming a movie legend of a stature that not even Jackie Chan managed to achieve. Action movie lovers truly lost out when an allergic relation to an over-the-counter medication killed Lee in 1973, but at least he left us with a small number of great films. Including this one, which is so great that not even pathetic dubbing can ruin it.

'Diabolik' is lots of fun, despite its excesses

Danger: Diabolik (aka "Diabolik") (1968)
Starring: John Phillip Law, Marissa Mell, Michel Piccoli, and Aldolfo Celi
Director: Mario Bava
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

In "Danger: Diabolik", the long-standing rivalry between the mysterious supertheif Diabolik (Law) and police inspector Ginko (Piccoli) becomes personal when Ginko forces a top gangster (Celi) to take action against his foe and the love of Diabolik's life, Eva (Mell) is caught in the middle.

I read maybe a couple dozen of the "Diabolik" comics when I was a kid, and two I have the fondest memories of is the one where Diabolik and Ginko team up to rescue their wives from a crook who has kidnapped them, and another where they are both on a cruise ship that gets taken over by terrorists, forcing a sort-of team-up between the two.

As portrayed in "Danger: Diabolik", such cooperation would never have taken place--the two men appear to dislike each other entiely too much, even if the respect they have for one another in the comic books still seems to be present to some degree--but aside from this small "failing", I think this film mostly conveys the essense of its source material better than most other comic book movies out there. It's not quite as dark as I remember "Diabolik" being, but it's entertaining enough.

Star John Phillip Law and the costume designers even took pains to match the physical appearance of Diabolik from the comics. There is no arbitrary "re-imagining" for its own sake in this film, as everyone seemed comfortable with and knowledgeable of the source material ot the point where they could do a faithful adaptation. (Even the musical score captures the simultaneous playfulness and grim intensity that were the hallmarks of the "Diabolik" comic.

There's further icing on this cake, as there literally isn't a single scene in this film that isn't staged in a visually arresting fashion. Director/cinematographer Mario Bava manage to fully bring a comic-book feel to the screen, presenting the sort of motion and three-dimensionality that the illustrators of the "Diabolik" comic are attempting to achieve with the many chase scenes and close calls the characters execute in those pages.

Bava also manages to bring a comic book feel in subtle and visually creative ways. Many scenes have the sense of being panels in motion, with action being framed in various ways, sometimes even feeling like "inset panels", like where Diabolik and Eva are staking out a break-in target, and we see their faces in the review mirror, framed before the building they are watching. The most impressive of the many instances of this in the film is a conference of gangsters that is viewed through a lattice, with characters positioned around the room and isolated in their own frames while speaking.

While the creative cinemagrapy is a joy to behold, some of the sets and mat-paintings are equally impressive. Diabolik's secret hideout, with its many security precautionsand gadgets is the sort of thing James Bond's nemisis Blofeld wishes he could have. Lex Luthor probably has lair-envy as well. (Although neither Blofeld nor Luthor would know what do to with Diabolik's huge rotating bed where he and Eva have wild sex while coverd in millions of dollars....)[/left]

As much as I admire the visuals and the sets, I think these also end up being counted among its weaknesses, despite their beauty (or perhaps becaome of it). Director Bava also seems to have been aware that he and his crew had made a very special movie here, and he is just a little too proud of their work and he shows off the sets and the matpaintings just a little too much. On more than one occassion, he spends so much time dwelling on them that the movie starts to sputter and stall--the worst of these is the scene of Diabolik and Eva making love, while visually cool, goes on for so long that it becomes downright boring. It always recovers thanks to even more great visuals and a script that is jam-packed with action, but the film could have been so much better if some of the scenes have been trimmed a bit.

Speaking of the script, this film would also have been alot better if its creators had known when to quit. There is a perfect ending for the filmd, and even a suitable denoument, but it continues well beyond that point and even gets a bit repetitious.

I'm certain the intent was to include a truly impossible crime in the film--to push it completely over the top--but the end result is a feeling that two different major heists and two different endings had been contemplated for the script (each with its own impossible escape for Diabolik) and in the end it was decided to use both of them. The result is that viewers will start feeling a little impatient during the film's final 10-15 minutes, but because we've already sat through something that's thematically identical and that brought the story to a satisfying close.

"Danger: Diabolik" is an mostly well-done, light-hearted action flick, and it's definately underrated and under-appreciated. I recommend you purchase or rent this flick. If it didn't keep going past the point where it should have ended, and if it had been a little more like the actual comics, it would have been perfect.

'Red Riding' is a moody mystery

Red Riding: In the Year of Our Lord 1974 (2009)
Starring: Andrew Garfield, Rebecca Hall, Anthony Flanagan, Sean Bean, David Morrissey, and John Henshaw
Director: Julian Jarrold
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A rookie crime beat reporter (Garfield) tries to discover the identity of a serial killer preying on little girls in Yorkshire, but in the process runs headlong into a dangerous and far-reaching conspiracy involving corrupt police officers, a ruthless real estate developer (Bean), and perhaps even the mother of one of the victims (Hall).

Rarely have so many great performances been featured in a film so intense and stylish added up to so little. By the time the 100 minutes of "Red Riding" have run their course, you'll have witnessed one of film history's most incompetent journalist-detectives blunder his way through a twisted maze of perversion and corruption, solve the case, kinda-sorta see justice done... and you'll find yourself wondering, "Is that it?"

Given that this is the first part in a three-part series based on a true story of a serial killer that terrorized Yorkshire in the 1970s and 1980s--and some conspiracy theorists hold that the killer may still be at large.

Based on this movie, one can easily buy into that conspiracy as the Yorkshire in "Red Riding" makes Chicago look like Mayberry by comparison. Everyone with the smallest scrap of power is tied to a corrupt political machine, and anyone who tries to challenge that machine ends up discredited or dead. In the end, it's a somewhat depressing movie, because the over-arcing message is that "evil always wins".

Part of why evil wins in this film is because good is so damn stupid. The erstwhile hero of the film is both cowardly and lazy, which makes him a very realistic character but it also makes for frustrating viewing. He makes the wrong choice at every single opportunity and ultimately becomes part of the very cover-up he is trying to unravel. Although it's probably a good thing for the series of movies that he--if not for the real-life victims of the Yorkshire Ripper--because the corrupt cops and politicians and business people in this film aren't much smarter. With the way they carry on in this film, and the messes they leave behind, their goose would have been cooked long before whatever ultimate solution will be offered to the central mystery of this film in the third film, "Red Riding: In the Year of Our Lord 1983". Unless, of course, Yorkshire really does make Chicago look like Mayberry by comparison.

While you may feel a little frustration at the stupidity of the reporter hero of this film, it is worth watching for the great acting. Sean Bean in particular puts on a good show as a menacing real estate tycoon who may or may not entertain himself on the weekends by kidnapping and murdering little girls and sewing swan wings on their backs.

At the very least, the film serves as a nice stage-setting for the next chapter in the series, which I will be watching and reviewing shortly.

'The Heist' isn't worth stealing

The Heist (aka "Unlawful Force") (1997)
Starring: Cynthia Geary, Andrew McCarthy, Wolf Larson, Peter Hanlon, Hannes Jaenicke, Brent Stait, and Janice Simmons
Director: Michael Kennedy
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A retired police officer (Geary) turned security company dispatcher engages in a battle of nerves and wits with the leader of a gang that is staging a robbery (McCarthy).

"The Heist" is a made-for-TV movie that screams "cheap" from every single frame. From its limited locations (all of the interior spaces were probably on the same sound stage and all the exteriors feel like they were probably filmed around the same rundown industrial park) to the run-down vehicles used throughout the picture, this is a movie with a budget so low it can't conceal it.

It doesn't help matters that the script is predictable in every way but one (I guessed wrong when it came to the identity of the "mole" in the security company that was, but I called every other plot development long before it made its way onto the screen, and anyone who has seen more than two or three crime dramas will easily do the same.

It's not a particularly bad movie--it's paced decently, no one in the cast embarrasses themselves or their co-stars with bad performances, and stars McCarthy and Geary are as good as one expects them to be, based on work that came both before and after this film--but it's also not particularly good. "Bland" is the perfect adjective to describe it.

This is a film that deserved to fade into TV oblivion, but someone acquired the DVD rights cheaply enough to put it out there for rent and purchase. Unless you're the world's biggest fan of Andrew McCarthy or Cynthia Geary, or unless you've set yourself the goal of watching every single heist movie ever made in North American, it isn't even worth shoplifting.

'Bad Boys' is pretty bad

Bad Boys (1995)
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith, Téa Leoni, Tcheky Karyo, and Joe Pantoliano
Director: Michael Bay
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Two life-long friends who grew up to be narcotics detectives in Miami (Lawrence and Smith) find their personal and professional relationships tested when they tasked with located several million dollars of pure heroin that was stolen from their department's storage vault. Just to make a stressful situation worse, the psychopath who stole the drugs (Karyo) is stalking them, their families, and the only witness to a murder he committed in the course of his heist (Leoni).

If you want proof that Kevin Smith "Cop Out" wasn't as bad as it was made out to be, all you have to is watch as much as you can stand of "Bad Boys" either before or after watching the Smith film. This is a film with no likable characters, with a plot so straight-forward that the only reason the film lasts more than 30 minutes is because the characters are as dumb as they are unlikable, and with jokes so unfunny and forced that anyone who sits through it might be able to file a legitimate case of date rape against writer George Gallo and director Michael Bay.

Interestingly, I've been catching bits and piece3s of "Bad Boys II" on cable for years, but I've never actually seen the entire film. The parts I've seen were funny, though, so when I came across a cheap DVD set containing both "Bad Boys" and the sequel on the same day I heard that there was a "Bad Boys 3" making its way through pre-production, I thought it was time to see the first movie, followed by the second.

Well, I now know why I never seen "Bad Boys" on cable. If the bits and pieces I've seen of the other film over the years are any indication, it may be one of those rare cases where a sequel is better than the film that spawned it.

I'll see if my assumption is correct, sometime after the awfulness of "Bad Boys" has faded in my memory. It is amazing to me that Martin Lawrence had a career after this one; I don't think I've ever seen him be less funny. Will Smith and Tea Leoni were in the movie, but they were just sort of Will Smith and Tea Leoni, without anything particularly good or bad about their performances--one can only hold actors accountable for so much when they are working with material as awful as the script for this film. But at least they didn't stink like Lawrence did.

Two things that saves this film from earning a Two Rating: The lovely car race at the very end, and the fact Leoni spends much of the movie in an impossibly short skirt. Looking at her never-ending legs made the pain bearable.

'Unknown' is worth exploring on the cheap

Unknown (2011)
Starring: Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger, January Jones, Bruno Ganz, Aiden Quinn, and Frank Langella
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

While in Berlin for a scientific conference, Dr. Martin Harris (Neeson) wakes up after a serious car accident to find a stranger has assumed his life in every detail, even apparently the affections of his wife (Jones). Martin turns to the only witness of the accident he can find (Kruger) and a retired East German spy (Ganz) for help in proving he really is who he says he is. And that's when the assassins start stalking him and killing everyone he makes contact with....

"Unknown" is one of those movies it's hard to talk about without ruining the whole thing, because it relies on plot twists and secrets for its effectiveness. Without spoiling too much, I can say that the story is sort of a cross between the 1956 version of "The Man Who Knew Too Much" and the 1938 version of "The Lady Vanishes", except in this case it's the main character who has, basically, vanished and he has to pick his way through a deadly cloud of lies and violent spies. The twists and reversals as the film unfolds sets it apart from those two Hitchcock classics, but I think if you enjoyed those films, you'll be entertained by this one as well.

Overall, the film is well-paced and it's revelations are timed appropriately to keep the story going. There's a car chase in the middle of the film that is extremely ridiculous as it's unfolding--suddenly, a university researcher and biologist is able to drive a stick-shift in a fashion that most racecar- and stunt drivers envious--but once all the pieces of the puzzle have been revealed--it makes sense. It's a weak point of the film that just a few lines of dialogue between Martin and his wife at the beginning of the film could have dealt with and the film would have been better for it.

The film would also have been better if the director had been a little less in love with shaky-cam footage, jump-cuts, and extreme close-ups during action sequences. I'm there are viewers out there for whom such techniques make the film more exciting--why else would so many directors over-use them as severely as they do?--but for me they become very, very annoying when used in excess like they are here. Give me Hitchcock's nice steady shots any day over the Alcoholic Monkey with the DTs technique on display in so many scenes, as well as the ADD editing style. Admittedly, it's not as bad here as in some movies, but it's enough to get annoying.

Despite its flaws, "Unknown" still emerges as an entertaining thriller. Just see it at a matinee, or go on days when the popcorn is cheap. Or, better yet, wait three months for the DVD to be available. You'll be more satisfied, because you won't feel like you've wasted money.

'Into the Blue' gives viewers what they want

Into the Blue (2005)
Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Josh Brolin, Ashley Scott, and Scott Caan
Director: John Stockwell
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A pair of semi-pro treasure hunters (Alba and Walker) living the easy life in the Bahamas stumble upon the sunken wreck of a historic sailing ship. They also discover the wreck of a small airplane which contains a fortune in drugs, and this makes them targets of the drug smugglers who want to recover their wares.

I think I liked this movie better when I saw it as "The Deep". I recall being more impressed with the acting and the story than I was with this film, but then admittedly I was 10 or so years old and I haven't seen it since. So, maybe my memory is a bit hazy--and my memory of the Carmine Infantino-illustrated graphic novel adaptation is a bit stronger than that I have of the movie--but I remember finding the underwater action very exciting in both formats, as well as genuinely fearing for the heroes.

With "Into the Blue", I never really cared about any of the characters, and the only actor I found at all remarkable was Josh Brolin as the obnoxious, seasoned and well-funded rival to the pretty young main characters. The film also held no surprises as it unfolded, other than the memories it invoked of my youthful excitement over "The Deep".

That said, the film does move at fast enough a pace that you barely have time to realize that it is absolutely predictable at every turn. It also sports some gorgeous photography both on-land and under-seas, and several well-executed underwater action scenes... and that's ultimately what the film is about. Did anyone REALLY see this movie for anything but the eye-candy?

"Into the Blue" is entertaining enough, but not worth going out of your way for. If you want a beautiful film focusing on attractive skin-diving treasure-hunters, I think you might be better off checking out the "The Deep" starring Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bissett. (Athough I can imagine someone writing a variation on those words some 40 years from now: "'Raiders of the Deep' is pretty to look at, but it doesn't hold a candle to my memory of 'Into the Blue', a movie I saw when I was 10 years old.")

I will have to get my hands on a copy of "The Deep" to see if I'm being unfair to this movie or not....

Bruce Lee explodes with 'Fists of Fury'

Fists of Fury (aka "The Big Boss") (1971)
Starring: Bruce Lee, James Tien, Maria Yi, Ying-Chieh Han, and Tso Chen
Director: Wei Lo
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Country-boy Cheng (Lee) travels to the city to live with relatives and to take a job at an ice factory. But the business is a front for vicious drug smugglers, and when his friends and family start to run afoul their evil, Cheng must choose to join them or fight them. Either choice will cost him dearly.

"Fists of Fury" is the of four films that legendary actor and martial artist Bruce Lee made in Hong Kong, and it's the one that made him an international super-star. While some parts of the film haven't weathered the passage of four decades since its release very well, one can still understand why it was such a big hit in its day. One can also enjoy it tremendously if one likes well-crafted martial arts films.

First, the film's modern setting would have been a startling change of pace for movie audiences as this was the first martial arts film to be set in modern times. Secondly, the film presents a number of surprising twists as it unfolds, not the least of which is the surprising death of a major supporting character who was neck-in-neck with Lee's character to be the film's main hero... not to mention the shocking massacre of virtually every other supporting character as the film heads toward its climax, as well as the climax itself (which is one of the most successfully executed downer endings I've ever witnessed in an action movie). Finally, there are the two set-piece martial arts battles of the film that remain thrilling to this day... fight sequences that are equally good showcases for Bruce Lee's fighting skills and his charm as an actor.

Speaking of Bruce Lee's acting skills and charm, they are both what carry the film through its slow first half, particularly during the clumsy attempts at levity and/or scenes designed to show the camaraderie between the factory workers that probably were unique to the 1970s audiences who were used to martial arts melodramas set during various historical periods in China but who had never experienced one taking place "down the street". Lee outshines everyone he shares the screen with, with the exception of James Tien. Tien shared Lee's good looks and on-screen radiance, so they are believable as buddies during the film's early part. (Tien would go onto appear in Lee's other Hong Kong movies as well.)

Lee's acting skills are also what makes the film's climax so moving and effective. As brutal and shocking as the violence in the fights at the factory and on the lawn in front of the Big Boss's house are, it is the way Lee effective portrays the shock that gives way to rage when he discovers the dual secrets of the ice factory, followed by the horror when he later realizes that he had only seen the tiniest sliver of the Big Boss's depravity. The sense of resignation and defeat in victory that Lee exudes during the film's final moments also demonstrate strongly how tragic it was that he was to die a mere two years later with much promise unfulfilled.