Early Seagal is the Best Seagal

Hard to Kill (aka "Seven Year Storm") (1990)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Kelly Lebrock, Frederick Coffin, Charles Boswell, Branscombe Richmond, and William Sadler
Director: Bruce Malmuth
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Police Detective Mason Storm (Seagal) and his family are gunned by a crooked cops doing the bidding of an even more crooked politician (Sadler). Emerging from a coma after seven years, Storm trains himself back to health with the help of a kindhearted nurse (Le Brock). He then picks up where he left off--going about blowing open the conspiracy that has now elevated cops and politicians to places of great power, while seeking some revenge along the way.


"Hard to Kill" to one of Steven Seagal's best movies, and it's proof that somewhere along the way his career went off the rails. It's a nicely paced, well-written, and well-acted action film that, while a bit goofy at times, is a great ride. Just don't think too hard during one or two sequences.

Seagal and Le Brock both give some of the best performances of their careers, and the supporting cast does a nice job as well. The fight scenes are mostly well done, and the one-liners uttered by Seagal during the film's climactic orgy of revenge, blood, and ass-kicking are more grim than funny... something that I appreciate now that I'm older and wiser. (I also found myself feeling sorry that the beautiful house Storm conveleses in is destroyed--I don't know if that's a sign that I'm getting old, or that accidental exposure to Tinky Winky while working at a PBS affliate turned me gay!)

If you're a fan of action movies, take a look at "Hard to Kill". It's from a time when Steven Seagal appeared in good movies.

Most straight-forward action film ever?

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
Starring: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and Monica Bellucci
Director: Mike Davis
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

A mysterious drifter known as Mr. Smith (Owen) inadvertently ends up the protector of a newborn baby who is being hunted by a hoard of violent gunmen, led by a former FBI profiler named Hertz (Giamatti). It's a good thing that Our Hero is a one-man army will skills that James Bond and Jason Bourne would envy, and an imperviousness that only Bugs Bunny can match.


"Shoot 'Em Up" is perhaps one of the most honestly titled and promoted films of all time. It truly is about shooting holes in people, cars, planes... just about anything that appears on screen. It can only be summarized as Frank Miller's "Sin City" graphic novels meet John Woo's "Hardboiled" and collides with Marvel Comics' "The Punisher" as he was portrayed in the mid- to late-1990s.

It is perhaps one of the wildest action movies ever put on screen, and, with the exception of one romantic interlude and sex scene (that itself leads into one of the most outrageous action scenes I've ever seen) the action doesn't stop once it gets going some five seconds into the film. And as the movie spirals further and further into outrageousness, action movie fans will and cheer and not give one whit that the plot linking the cartoony, gory violent set-pieces makes increasingly less sense.

"Shoot 'Em Up" succeeeds due to its great cast, but even more because of its precisely choreographed gunfights that get evermore rediculous--culimating with a shootout that takes place while characters are skydiving. The film is also fun, because it acknowledge its silliness--most evidently when the carrot-chomping hero asks the villian, "What's up, Doc?"--while every actor in the film plays their role with utmost seriousness. (Owen and Giamatti are especially fun, as a pair of characters who emerge as a sort of live-action Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.)

Another reason the film succeeds are some very odd touches and elements that appear as the film unfolds. Without spoiling too many surprises, I can mention that the first of these is the gunfight that Mr. Smith has with a gang of assassins while helping a woman give birth--as he is snuffing out lives left and right, he is bringing a new one into the world. There's also a recurring theme of gun control and gun safety that keeps cropping up. And there are also some very odd quirks on the part of both Mr. Smith and his foe Mr. Hertz that essentially end up defining them.

If you have a sense of humor, and you like your action movies light on plot and characterizations but heavy with action and heroic good guys and utterly dispicable bad guys, you absolutely must see "Shoot 'Em Up".

'The Heroic Trio' is one of the very best superhero films

The Heroic Trio (1992)
Starring: Maggie Cheung, Anita Mui, Michelle Yeoh, Damien Lau, James Pak, and Yee Kwan Yan
Director: Johnny To
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

A shadowy evil is abducting babies throughout The City, and three superpowered women--Wonder Woman (Mui), Thief Catcher (Cheung), and Invisible Woman (Yeoh) must settle their differences if anyone will have a chance to stop the monstrous schemes of the Evil Master (Yan). Only the Heroic Trio will be able to save true innocents from being slaughtered.


Now THIS is what a superhero movie should be. Until the "Iron Man" movies came along, this was by far my favorite superhero movie. The sequel ("The Executioners") was a bit of a downer, but this is great entertainment from beginning to end.

"The Heroic Trio" features humor, suspense, drama, and true tragedy. While the characters aren't neccesarily complicated, they are all well developed, and viewers will be moved when the secrets of the lead characters come to light. Plus, the villian of our piece certainly lives up to his name... there are some very upsetting moments involving the kidnapped babies.

The fight scenes are brief, but well-staged. The superheroes and their powers are well presented and well thought-out (even if I'm rather amused by the fact that "Invisible Woman" wears a bright red outfit... when not invisbiel, she's the most visible character in a film where everything else is in muted colors), and the casting is universally perfect. Cheung in particular is great as the comical Thief Catcher, while Yeoh demonstrates her range as an actress with the tragic hero Invisible Woman.

Judges become vigilantes in 'The Star Chamber'

The Star Chamber (1983)
Starring: Michael Douglas, Hal Holbrook, Joe Regalbuto, Don Calfa, James B. Sikking, and Yaphet Kotto
Director: Peter Hyams
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When a Superior Court Judge (Douglas) grows frustrated with the U.S. legal system when he fiinds himself releasing obviously guilty criminals on technicalities, he is invited by his mentor (Holbrook) to join a secret society of judges who have taken it upon themselves to issue death penalties for the vilest of criminals who escape justice in their courts.


"The Star Chamber" is a thriller that will intrigue anyone who's ever shaken their head at the way the American courts seem to be slanted in favor of allowing criminals to, literally in some cases, get away with murder and those who believe firmly that the perfect justice system is the one that lets one hundred guilty men go free to avoid sending that one innocent man to prison. It offers food for thought no matter where you are on the political or philosophical spectrum.

Although it's more than 25 years since its release, the story in "The Star Chamber" is still relevant and vibrant and the film has a very contemporary feel to it. In fact, a lack of references to any what-was-then contemporary real-world situations means this film stands nearly undated. It's an undeservedly obscure thriller--has it ever been on TV?--that features good performances by all cast memebers, a decent script, and good cinematography. It's only serious flaw is that it's somewnat predictable.

'The Cheap Detective' brings mystery and mirth

The Cheap Detective (1978)
Starring: Peter Falk, Louise Fletcher, Madeline Kahn, Marsha Mason, Eileen Brennan, James Coco, Ann-Margaret, Ferndando Lamas, Dom Deluise, John Houseman, Nicol Williams, Stockard Channing, and Sid Ceaser
Director: Robert Moore
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

The year 1939 is not turning out to be a good one for gumshoe Lou Peckinpaugh (Falk). His partner has been murdered and he's the prime suspect because he's been having an affair with his wife (Mason). But before he can clear his name, he first has to solve the mystery of some missing Albanian diamonds, stop the Nazi consul to Cincinatti (Williams) from destroying the French restraunt being run by the current husband (Lamas) of an old flame (Fletcher), and avoid getting too entangled with overheated vamps (Kahn and Brennan) or his demure secretary (Channing).


"The Cheap Detective" is a spoof of hardboiled detective tales and the film noir pictures from the 1940s and 1950s, and it plays as though the script emerged after someone tossed the movies "The Maltese Falcon" and "Casablanca", a collection of the Complete Works of Dasheil Hammett, and some copies of MAD Magazine into a blender set on high.

The result is a hilarious, but uneven, movie that's loaded with absurd situations, ridiculous puns, and a crazy, chaotic storyline that anticipates comedies like "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun". If you're a fan of those movies, you're bound to enjoy this one. The film starts weak--with a gag involving a killer so efficient his victims don't even fall down when they die stretched so thin in loses all comedy value--and ends with a nonsensical and unfunny scene that seems to exist only to fit in one more cameo, but almost everything between the two badly done bookends is great stuff.

You're also bound to enjoy "The Cheap Detective" if you love the movies and the actors being spoofed. Peter Falk in particular is hilarious with his very effective Humphrey Bogart imitation, but Louise Fletcher's Ingrid Bergman is also great fun, as is Ann-Margaret's generic oversexed femme fatale and Nicol Williams. Much credit also goes, of course, to Neil Simon for the absurd dialogue and even more absurd situations.

Whether you're a fan of classic detective films and the film noir genre, or whether you simply enjoy crazy comedies, I think you'll find something to laugh about in "The Cheap Detective".

It takes a real man to drive a pink Cadillac

Pink Cadillac (1989)
Starring: Clint Eastwood, Bernadette Peters, and Timothy Carhart
Director: Buddy Van Horn
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Lou Ann (Peters) gets fed up with her small-time criminal husband (Carhart) after he leaves her holding the bag for a counterfeiting scheme he was involved with--literally, as the bag was full of counterfeit money. She skips bail and takes off with their baby in his vintage pink Cadillac. Unfortunately for Lou Ann, her husband and his partners hid their real money in the Caddy, and they are soon in pursuit. Luckily for Lou Ann, a softhearted skip-tracer (Eastwood) is also on her trail, and he may prove to be the only hope for survival she has.


"Pink Cadillac" is a mostly unfunny comedy with a script that starts out mildly illogical and haphazard and ends in complete nonsensical chaos. It suffers further from having a hero who is arbitrarily goofy (Why does Clint Eastwood's skip-tracer Tommy Nowack habitually dress up in outlandish costumes to catch his prey? It's not something we ever get an answer to, and I don't think the writers knew either.). He's also badly played, something that can rarely be said about Eastwood.

What's more, leading lady Bernadette Peters is more annoying than endearing--which is what the writers were shooting for--and the romance that developes between her and Eastwood feels without any foundation whatsoever. (Yes.. naturally he helps her retreive her baby from the evil white supremist ex-cons of the Brotherhood--it's that kind of movie--but there's no sensible reason for a romance that results in them running off together to evolve.)

The film also sufffers from a distinct lack of apparent threat to the characters. The Black Widow biker gang from "Any Which Way But Loose" and "Any Which Way You Can" seemed more menacing and competent than the moronic Brotherhood, even if the latter are set up to be more vicious and deadly. (Oh... the Black Widow gang was also funnier than the members of the Brotherhood.

Frankly, Clyde the Orangutang (also from "Any Which Way But Loose" and "Any Which Way You Can") out-acted everyone who appeared in this film. It's the worst comedy that Eastwood has appeared in, and it may even be the worst movie he's been in, period. It makes "City Heat" look like a work of pure genius.)

I think even die-hard Eastwood and Peters fans can go without seeing this film. You won't miss anything worthwhile and you'll have two hours of your life to spend in a more productive fashion. (For good Eastwood comedies, check out the the "Any Which Way" films mentioned above.)

'Warning Shots' is a film that hasn't aged well

Warning Shot (1967)
Starring: David Janssen, Keenan Wynn, Lillian Gish, Stephanie Powers, and George Grizzard
Director: Buzz Kulik
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When police detective Tom Valens (Janssen) shoots someone he believed to be armed and dangerous, but no weapon is found and the dead suspect turns out to be a much-loved, famously philathropic doctor, he finds himself on trial of manslaughter. Already found guilty by public opinion, Valens races against the clock--the start of his trail where he will certainly be found guilty and sent to prison--to figure out what happened to the gun he knows he saw, as well as figure out why such an esteemed person was behaving so suspiciously.


"Warning Shot" is a mildly interesting cross between a detective story and a courtroom drama. It's an interesting enough little story, but it suffers from the fact that the character of Tom Valens never really emerges from the generic "tough, honest cop innocently accused" template. Yeah, he lives off nothing but buttermilk, and he has a troubled marriage, but that's about it. Heck, we gain more insight into the character of the DA hell-bent on railroading Valens than we do into the character we're supposed to sympathize with.

There are certain parts of the film that haven't aged well--such as some "news-footage" included to illustrate how the public is leaping to the conclusion that Valens is some wacked-out, gun-happy cop who just blows people away willhe-nillhe. The inclusion of a stereotypical hippy had me giggling, although the filmmakers most certainly were not looking for that reaction. Overall, though, the film is worth seeing, but it's not particularly great, despite its line-up of great actors.

(As of this writing, "Warning Shots" is out of print, but it can probably be rented from any number of sources.)