'The Silencers' is a fun spy spoof

The Silencers (1966)
Starring: Dean Martin, Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, Victor Buono, and James Gregory
Director: Henry Levin
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Retired secret agent turned fashion photographer Matt Helm (Martin) is coaxed out of retirement by his sexy former partner (Lavi) to help find the mole who has been feeding information to the enemy, and to stop a nefarious scheme to start World War III.

"The Silencers" is one of the films that Mike Meyers was trying to copy/spoof with his Austin Powers films, itself a tongue-in-cheek spoof of the James Bond series... as well as Dean Martin's image as a hard drinker and a womanizer. Of course, a sure-fire way to make an inferior picture is to attempt to spoof a spoof, so it's not surprising that this movie is superior to anything Meyers attempted in every way. (Except Dr. Evil and the various characters in his orbit. Dr. Evil is Meyers' singular great creation.)

If you have a high tolerance for slapstick spy antics, a steady stream of off-color jokes and puns, dream sequences narrated by a singing Dean Martin, and 1960s-style sexism and swingin' life styles, you'll enjoy this film. You'll enjoy it even more, because in addition to being a fun comedy, it's got a well-crafted script at its core that offers a few genuinely surprising twists and even more startling and well-timed moments that many serious spy movies can't match.

And then there's the fact that Matt Helm is probably the only spy in the world who has a tricked-out station wagon that converts to a love-nest on wheels, complete with mini-bar.

The cast is also amusing to watch, with Dean Martin excelling in the part of the reluctant hero who would rather be at home enjoying his models, sexy personal assistant, and hi-tech bachelor's pad; Daliah Lavi as a sexy secret agent that gives some of the best Bond Girls a run for their money; and Stella Stevens as the clumsiest femme fatale to ever bumble her way across the screen. Victor Buono also manages to strike a nice balance between creepy and outrageous as an overweight Fu Manchu-style villainous mastermind.

"The Silencers" is available on DVD along with the other three Matt Helm movies from the 1960s. Check them out, in time for the character's return to film in 2011.

'New York Blood' is a decent no-budget film

New York Blood (2009)
Starring: Vinnie Stigma and Marvin W. Schwartz
Director: Nick Oddo
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

New York gangster Vinny (Stigma) tries to help his psychotic father (Schwartz) when he is released from prison for murder. Instead, the old man's blood-thirsty, violent ways ends up destroying Vinny's little kingdom of prostitution and drug dealing.


"New York Blood" is an ultra-low budget movie with the running-time and pacing of an hour-long television drama. Writer/director Nick Oddo created a movie that has some of the typical flaws seen in films at this production level, but for the most part it's superior to most other films you'll come across that were made for $4,000. It's also a decent gangster movie that's populated with characters that come across as real.

The biggest budget-related production flaws that "New York Blood" displays--here it's mostly bad sound, as it seems either the microphone on the camera itself was used, or a single mic on one actor in each scene was used to pick up the dialogue from all actors and no (if any) post-production looping took place. Otherwise, the film is well-lit, well-staged, and well-paced, with not a single scrap of padding anywhere to be found. The only other annoying flaw--and this may be nitpicking--was the strangely loose bandage on the face of a girl who had supposedly been cut up by a psychopath. Could whoever was doubling as propmaster and/or costumer not have applied a little extra glue to the surgical tape so it would stick to the girl's make-up? Even a dab of Elmer's Glue would have been better than the distracting, flapping tape in the scene.

The acting here is also better than what is usually found in films at this level, or, rather, Oddo managed to hide the short-comings of his cast of mostly first-time and one-time movie actors. First, none of the weaker actors are called upon to carry any significant scenes--Oddo was very wise in casting and editing choices. Second, the film has the feel of a documentary and/or a "reality show" to the point where Vinny addresses the camera with comments about what he is doing--so it works that a few characters feel a little stiff. Unfortunately, Oddo doesn't keep this documentary tone consistently through the picture, choosing to break from it by showing Lorenzo committing his gory murders. While I understand why Oddo wanted to get some violence into his flick, the way he did it undermines the best aspect of the film.

Still, there are filmmakers who spend ten times what Oddo spent on his movie that don't make them this good. If you like gangster movies, I think you would do well to check it out.

Bad management can lead to the most unexpected of problems

Scorched (2002)
Starring: John Cleese, Paulo Costanzo, Rachael Leigh Cook, Woody Harrelson, Joshua Leonard, Alicia Silverstone, and Marcus Thomas.
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Three tellers at a small branch office bank (Costanzo, Harrelson,and Silverstone), each with their own reasons for feeling disgruntled and put-upon decide independently to rob their employeer. Each has their own plan, each intends to target a different part of the bank, and each chooses to commit their larceny on the same weekend. And that's when things start getting really crazy.


This ensamble comedy features a strong cast (more comment on this below) and likable characters that move back and forth through four overlapping storylines--the three heists and a fourth involving a pair of geeky roommates who are trying to land one of them a job he can keep for more than a couple of hours. It also features a surprsingly tense roulette scene during one of the larcenous tellers' trip to Vegas. Some of the lines are a bit clunky and there are one or two scenes that could do with some punching up, but overall this film is pretty darn good and extremely entertaining.

I also think it's a film old-school roleplaying gamers might enjoy. Several of the film's characters are in a D&D gaming group, and I think we all might recognize some of the character types at the table. Cook's character is a particularly cute parody of the 'gamer chick.'

Speaking of Rachel Leigh Cook, it's probably a good thing that she and Alicia Silverstone don't actually share any scenes. I've never been a big fan of Silverstone, but seeing her in a film with an actress that is so full of charm and energy makes me feel even more underwhelmed by her talent and screen presence. While both actresses did a fine job, I think it is probably a casting mistake to put them in the movie; it makes Silverstone look bad.

Sylvester Stallone interview

I'm closing out "The Expendables Week" not with a review, but with a clip from the O'Reilly Factor featuring an interview with Sylvester Stallone. In it, Stallone responds in part to an absolutely idiotic and hyper-political review by an LA Times film critic who should be ashamed that he even wrote it.

You can read the article by Steven Zeitchik by clicking here, or you can consider the fact that he is so ignorant and ill-equipped as a commentator that he thinks JCVD belongs on a list of action movies and is a "post-modern wink" at the action genre, and perhaps save yourself the time.

But check out the Stallone interview. It's funny.



Click here for a list of the movies reviewed during "The Expendables Week," and more.

'Crank' is chaotic but not all that exciting

Crank (2006)
Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Dwight Yoakam, Efren Ramirez, and Carlos Sanz
Directors: Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Professional hit man Chev Chelios (Statham) wakes up to discover that he has himself has been the target of an assassination: He has been poisoned with a slow-acting drug that will kill him if his hear-rate drops. In order to survive long enough to reach the doctor who might save him (Yoakam), he goes on a chaotic rampage across Los Angeles to keep his blood pumping and adrenaline flowing.


"Crank" may be a case of "too much of a good thing." I found the first 45 minutes or so of Chev's quest to stay alive at least long enough to kill those who killed him very amusing and very entertaining. It was a little like the classic "D.O.A." but on speedballs and a gallon of coffee. Statham has many amusing one-liners, and the situation his character is in is both funny and nightmarish in the way it's presented.

But then I started looking at the clock and wondering if the film wouldn't get to some sort of point.

Basically, this is a one-gag story, and the gag starts to wear pretty thin after the third time Chev almost dies and needs to find some other way to keep his excitement up. Yes, there are laughs and plenty of action... but there is no substance. Like the video games the film references on several occassions--characters are playing them, doors are decorated with icons from them--the film keeps looping through the same type of encounters and situations but on different "levels". This is great if you're actually the one playing a video game, but not terribly interesting if you're just watching, as I was with this movie.

I do applaud the filmmakers for creating a film that unfolds like a video game, even if I wish there had been more substance to it, and even if I don't particularly care for the nonsensical, dreamlike ending. It's out of step with the rest of the movie, and fails to take advantage of the ending that was pefectly set up. I suppose they were trying to avoid the pat and obvious "happy ending," but I would have appreciated it.

On the other hand, there is a sequel to this film, featuring Statham, as improbably as that seems given the film's final moments. Maybe the ending I thought was being set up was the actual ending and the dreamlike stuff was just a dream.

So... as much as I don't like the ending, and as much as I wanted "Crank" to bring more than it does--or wanted it to be about 15 minutes shorter--I will probably been seekig out the sequel. I enjoyed it enough that I am curious to see what happens next.

'The Bodyguard from Beijing'should stay at home

The Bodyguard from Beijing (aka "The Defender") (1994)
Starring: Jet Li, Christy Chung, Collin Chou, Kent Cheng, and William Chu
Director: Corey Yuen
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

When the wife of a wealthy Hong Kong business man (Chung) ends up as the only surviving witness to a murder, the communist Chinese government dispatches an agent (Li) to protect her until the trial. It turns out to be a very difficult assignment, as the woman doesn't want to be saddled with a bodyguard, and the men behind the murder intend to do everything they can to make sure there are no surviving witnesses come the trial.

Bitchy, uncooperative women are a mainstay of action movies, especially when the threat to their lives is real and so apparent that only the most moronic of individuals wouldn't follow the advice and instructions of those charged with protecting them. But I don't think there has been a movie made with a character more obnoxious, bitchy, and just downright repulsive and unlikeable than Michelle Yeung (played by Christy Chung) in than in "The Bodyguard from Beijing."

Not only does she initially go out of her way to make the job and life difficult for her government-provided protector, but then she decides she wants to jump his bones and starts trying to seduce him. This is a rotten character, through and through, who is not at all cute and funny and likeable, as I think the filmmakers were trying to make her. It's a character that all by herself makes this movie a miserable experience, and I found myself wishing more than once that Alan (the character played by Jet Li) would put a bullet in her and just blame the assassins.

Aside from this horrible character, the film is further burdened with comic relief characters--mostly in the form of dim Hong Kong police officers--that aren't all that funny. While they aren't as teeth-grindingly awful as Christy Chung's character, they are boring dead weight that another strike against the film. The combination of the bitchy woman and the unfunny comic relief is almost enough for everyone to stay away from this film.

However, Jet Li does a good job as the most patient and stoic government security agent on the face of the planet, and the two major action sequences are spectacular. Some viewers may wish that Li engaged in more of his usual martial arts instead of the gun-play in present in this film, but the outrageousness of the entire janitorial staff of a mall seemed to have been replaced by mop- and bucket-carrying assassins. Plus, when the martial arts did get broken out for real in the film's second major action set-piece, it turns out to be have been worth the wait... especially because we get to see venetian blinds used as an offensive weapon. (Not anything can quite make up for the misery that is Christy Chung's character....)

This is a film that anyone but the most entertainment-starved fans of Jet Li in particular or 1990s Hong Kong action flicks in general can safely skip.

'Red Heat' is a blast from the past

Red Heat (1988)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Belushi, Ed O'Ross, and Larry Fishburne
Director: Walter Hill
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

When Rosta (O'Ross), a psychopathic, drug-dealing gangster, flees the Soviet Union for the United States, a Russian police captain, Danko (Schwarzenegger), is dispatched to bring him back, dead or alive. He teams up with Chicago's most unruly police detective, Ridzik (Belushi), and they eventually end up waging a two-man war on one of Chicago's deadliest drug gangs.


"Red Heat" is a movie that couldn't be made today. Although I can easily think of a combination of actors who could stand in for Schwarzenegger and Belushi--perhaps even doing a better job with the parts than they did--much of what makes this movie what it is simply cannot be done in this, the second decade of the 21st century.

First, there's the fact that it uses as its jumping off point the crumbling Soviet Union of the 1980s. While I suppose a similar backdrop could be found in a place like Iraq, it wouldn't be the same, because the police force there was already corrupt to the core before Saddam Hussein's government was destroyed.

Second, this is a film that relies on stunt-work, not computer graphics. The stunt driving is real, the fight scenes are real, and the bullet impacts on targets both hard and soft are created with squibs rather than post-production pixels. It gives the film a hard-bitten, gritty air that simply isn't present in the modern action film. And it's a fresh air, returning to it after all these years.

It's also great to see Arnold Schwarzenegger as the funniest straight man ever. Throughout the movie, he is constantly setting up Jim Belushi's one-liners and off-color jokes, but Schwarzenegger invariably ends up providing more hilarity with a look or a simple monosyllabic response. Throughout this film, Schwarzenegger does more with a glare or a single word than Denis Leary conveys in five rants. (This might also be a something that couldn't be done today. I'm finding it hard to think of an actor of Schwarzenegger's stature--even at the point of his career when this movie was made, immediately before he shot to super-stardom with "Terminator"--who would be willing to take a part with so few lines and little performing save for cold stares and the action scenes. Even Statham's tight-lipped Frank Martin from "The Transporter" series gets to show more emotional range and gets to speak more than Schwarzenegger does as Danko.)

Third, and perhaps most biggest reason, it has among its main villains, the Clean Heads, an African-American drug gang that is every bit as racist at its core as White Supremecist gangs or any other group that is built around hatred for people just because of the color of their skin or their ethnicity. No one would dare make a movie these days with a black villain who is a sociopathic racist who is motivated by a desire to murder as many white people as possible, and who has figured out that the best way to do it is to make them do it themselves with cocaine and other illicit drugs. Today, no filmmaker would dare portray the simple truth that black can can be evil racists just as well as white people.

"Red Heat" is a movie that shows the 1980s-style action genre at its best. It's got heroes we can root for and who feel real and human, despite the fact that very little is done to actually develop their characters... but what is done is just the right amount and just the right touches: Danko's parakeet and Ridzik's relationship with his sister and her ex-husband. It's got villains we can absolutely hate, and they're made even more dispicable with deft touches like the ones applied to the heroes, such as Rosta's many casual murders, and the twisted justifications for his actions by Clean Heads' evil leader. It's got a straight-forward, good versus evil narrative that both manages to be all-encompassing global (cops are cops, no matter what side of the Iron Curtain they're from... and the same is true of the madmen they protect innocent people from) and yet somewhat intimate (Danko and Rosta both want to extract revenge on the other for killing someone dear to them).

Writer/director Walter Hill not only got all of the characters exactly right, but he also created a film that is perfectly paced and full of great action sequences. It may not have been his biggest financial success, but it definately is counted among his most accomplished films.

If you only have time to check out one of the classic action movies that "The Expendables" is a homage to, you won't go wrong with "Red Heat". (You'll also have an opportunity to see Laurence "Larry" Fishburne of the television series "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" at the very beginning of his career. Before this film, his largest role had been as Cowboy Curtis on "Pee-Wee's Playhouse".