Nine Days of the Ninja: The Mystery of 'Ninja Death'

"Ninja Death" is a film and/or movie trilogy as mysterious as the ninja themselves.

Although I've done the same level of research that CNN does when vetting submitted questions for a Republican YouTube debate, I've been unable to discover much information about "Ninja Death". I've been able to identify a very small number of the actors in the film, I have no idea who directed it, originally produced it, or if it was even ever finished and released in its original homeland of China (or maybe Taiwan).


What I do know is that the "Ninja Death" trilogy was originally a REALLY long movie that was broken into three parts. Although a credit sequence was filmed--with ninja and each principal actor doing a couple of martial arts tricks and poses, no credits are listed on screen. The English dubbing seems to have run into financial difficulties, as the voice actors change a couple of different times throughout the movies--most noticably in "Ninja Death I" when the American/Australian voice actors are suddenly replaced by a bunch of British actors who all sound like they just got back from the Gay Pride Parade--so the lack of credits might be a result of the film being abandoned in the middle of the localization/export process.

Another theory I have is that the film wasn't even finished and released in its country of origin. It could be that the bloated running time of a little over four hours is where the film stood after its first cut by the now-anonymous director and editor... and that further editing would have taken place, but they never got to it. (There's an entire subplot with a farmer and his daugther that probably would have been cut if another editing pass has been done on the film when it was to be a single work.)

Whatever the case, "Ninja Death" was a production in trouble and it ran out of money at least once, perhaps even twice, and no one bothered to spend any money to completely finish it. Abandoned, and chopped into a "trilogy" it's now available in budget collections like the "Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack" (which is where I came by it/them). If anyone out there knows more about the history of the "Ninja Death" film/films, I'd love to hear from you. In the meantime, here's my take on the three movies.

But first... important facts learned in "Ninja Death": Ninjas vote Republican, and nothing says romance like somnambu-rape.

(By the way, the films has a very catchy main theme. As I'm typing these words, I'm finding myself whistling it. Of course, the movie also strangely uses random James Bond themes and possibly music from other sources I'm not familiar with, so it could be that the "Ninja Death Theme" I'm humming is also originally from somewhere else.)



Ninja Death I (1979? 1983? 1999?)
Starring: Lo Yiu, Luk Yee Fung, and Alexander Lou (based on web research; no names on film)
Director: None credited
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

The happy-go-lucky bouncer at a small-town Chinese brothel, Tiger (Lou), finds his life turned upside-down when secrets known only to his Kung Fu master (Fong) bring the Master and his hoard of fanatical, bloodthirsty ninja to town. As the ninjas are butchering beggars and prostitutes left and right, Tiger struggles to unlock his own mighty Ninja Power that lurks within his breast. But will he manage to do so in time, or will Ninja Death II" feature an all-new cast?

"Ninja Death I" is an example of what happens when a film project runs out of money and is abandoned. Not only do the voice actors change completely halfway through (suddenly, everyone in the film developes British accents, and the voice actor portraying Tiger goes from American and moderately talented to British and totally talent free), but no one even bothered placing English language credits over the extensive opening sequence or even to add a "To Be Continued" over the spinning Bad Guy at the abrupt end of the film. (And there's no doubt the film was made to have credits, becauze each major character gets to do goofy ninja stuff against a red background and then pose at the point the actor's name and the character he or she portrays should appear).

Speaking of Goofy Ninja Stuff... this film has it in spades! This is the kind of movie I was hoping to come across when I decared November Ninja Month. The film features an Evil Ninja Cult Leader (the "Grand Master") who has come to town with his band of black-clad ninjas, a red-clad, masked madman who is unleashed by the playing of a flute, and a band of prostitutes who are going to help him in his quest... which is to find a man with a plum flower tattooed on his chest. (And what better way to get a look at beefcake than to have an abundance of Japanese prostitutes on hand?)

And the ninjas are exactly the kind of ninjas you'd expect. They are creeping around in the forest and attacking people. They are running with tiny steps and in single file while holding their swords at awkward angles. They are killing Japanese lords while they are having sex. They are wiping out entire households. They are scamperring up ropes while barely hanging onto them. They are leaping into treetops from a standing start. They are performing acrobat tumbles for absolutely no reason. They are hiding deep, dark secrets. They are infiltrating the citizenry and each other's ranks, just because they can. They are killing beggars and whores just because they can. AND they are appearing and dissapearing under the cover of smoke boms! Ah, joy... Goofy Ninja Stuff in abundance!

In addition to the Goofy Ninja Stuff, this film has lots of silly and extreme martial arts training techniques and nonsensical "wisdom" from the martial arts master, not to mention lots of really badly translated dialogue that is made even funnier by the questionable talent of the voice actors.

On the downside, "Ninja Death I" is unnecessarily crude at times. I'm by no means a prude, but the unmotivated sex scenes and sexually charged behavior and language from some characters was more irritating than entertaining. (The extended sex scene during the explanation of "what is a ninja" was particularly obnoxious and dull. If you're going to put crap in your movie in search of an R or X rating, at least make it entertaining.)

"Ninja Death I" is not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. It's not even that good a movie, but there are some nifty martial arts fight scenes and much silly Ninja Stuff! (Plus, this is the film that proves the statement "Ninjas Vote Republican". Why else would they kill all the beggars and Chinese prostitutes in the town?)



Ninja Death II (1979? 1983? 1999?)
Starring: Alexander Lou and Fei Meng (I think; no credits on film)
Director: Someone whose name was left off the credits
Steve's Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A young martial artist-in-training named Tiger (Lou) is being stalked by Evil Ninja. After his master and adopted father is defeated by Ninjas, almost killed, and then commits suicide by punching himself in the head for God-only-knows-what-reason as he hadn't finished telling telling everything he needed to know about his past, the deadly Masked Ninja, and why the Grand Master's Evil Ninja Cult that's out to kill him, Tiger continues to study the Art of the Ninja under new masters, including a pair of double-agents among the Grand Master's own ranks. But will he survive when he chooses to confront the Grand Master before his training is complete?

"Ninja Death II" is the middle part of a looong Chinese martial arts film that was divided into three seperate movies for export, and it feels like the middle of a long movie. Very little actually happens in the "film" and about 20 minutes are actually repeated footage from "Ninja Death I". (Oddly, these flashbacks don't do a whole lot to explain who the various players in the movie's plot are, so they're included more for padding than to catch up those who haven't seen the first installment in this trilogy.)

"Ninja Death II" also repeats the credit-less opening and closing sequences that were featured on the first film, but the voice actors (which suddenly became British halfway through "Ninja Death I") are back to being American. As a result, our hero, Tiger, is back to sounding like a doofus instead of a Gay Pride icon.

In this installment of the series, we are treated to boring, overlong sequences with Tiger trying to master the fighting style of Ninjas (which, in this film's conception is the "royal style" of Japan's nobility), we learn a few secrets about Tiger's history, and we have Tiger rape yet another girl while sleeping. (His first somnambu-rape was of a ninja call-girl in "Ninja Death I". Here, he forces himself upon an innocent peasant girl while dreaming about his first victim. And, just like the ninja call-girl, the peasant woman seems to fall in love with Tiger after being raped. Those wacky Chinese....) The only interesting plot developments occur when the Grand Master--who's the only Oriental villain with worse fashion sense than Fu Manchu--discovers the traitors in his ranks and sends his Ninja after them, and the Masked Ninja escapes and ends up on a fatal collision course with Tiger, who, unbeknownst to him, is the son of the Masked Ninja.

As for the fight scenes and Ninja Death Action that made "Ninja Death I" entertaining, we don't even get much of that here. With the exception of a fight where the Grand Master shows that he has big balls (in both senses of that), everything else in "Ninja Death II" is subplot material, filler material, and tasteless somnambu-rape scenes.

Speaking of rape.... For some reason, the filmmakers used James Bond theme music in both scenes involved forced sexual encounters. The first scene was in a Japanese household where the theme from "You Only Live Twice" is heard as a drunkard rapes the adopted mother of three boys as they watch. Then, we hear the theme from "Man With the Golden Gun" as Tiger rapes the peasant girl. And it's not downbeat or suspense-oriented versions of the tunes either... it's quiet, romantic renditions. Nothing says romance like somnambu-rape!)



Ninja Death III (1979? 1983? 1999?)
Starring: Alexander Lou, Fei Meng, and a buch of other actors whose names aren't on the credits
Director: Someone whose name was left off the credits
Steve's Rating: Four of Ten Stars

In the third installment of this epic tale of revenge, Tiger (Lou) discovers he's the son of the Japanese emporer's sister, completes his training in the martial arts style of the Imperial Japanese (and some other obscure fighting style that comes from who-knows-where), and joins his allies-- a blind Kung Fu master, three monks who live in barrels, a samurai, and a brother/sister pair of ninja--in a final battle to the death against the evil Grand Master and his cult of murderous Evil Ninja.

"Ninja Death III" is all about Kung Fu fighter and ninja killing. There's some plot here--including the soap operatic elements of Tiger and his mother being reunited--but it's so nonsensical and badly motivated that you're better off pretending it doesn't exist. The confusing isn't help any by the fact the characters are speaking lines so badly translated into English that in some places it's hard to grasp their meaning. (If you watch this film and can figure out why the Blind Master and Sakura, Tiger's Ninja Squeeze, decide to play a game of cross and double-cross with the Grand Master, drop me a line. It makes absolutely no sense to me.)

Although a step up from "Ninja Death II"--and it starts promisingly with a brief and useful recap of the previous films--this closing chapter dissapoints more than it entertains, despte the good fight scenes (where many of the bizarre excersizes Tiger's ninja trainer back in the first film subjected him to come in handy). The biggest dissapointment is the Masked Ninja. He is unleashed yet again, but we get very little payoff action- or storywise for all the buildup.

"Ninja Death III" is as full of goofiness as the first two chapters in the series, but I am hard-pressed to describe it as "good", or even recommend it for a Bad Movie Night; it's a little too stupid and some parts feel padded. (The best thing I can say about the film is that Tiger gets through it without raping a single girl in his sleep.)

I wonder, though, if this film couldn't be salvaged with better dubbing/translation and extensive editing. The creditless credit sequences seem to show that this film was abandoned while in process (at least as far as the exporting of it went), and I wonder if there is a single 95-minute good movie lurking within the 260-minute running time of the current the three installments.

Robert Wagner surprises in 'A Kiss Before Dying'

A Kiss Before Dying (1956)
Starring: Robert Wagner, Joanne Woodward, Virginia Leith, Jeffrey Hunter, George Macready, and Mary Astor
Director: Gerd Oswald
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Sociopath Bud Corliss (Wagner) murders his girlfriend (Woodward) after she becomes pregnant and threatens his plans to gain access to her father's wealth. But when her sister (Leith) begins to investigate, Corliss finds that one murder is not enough if he is to obtain his dream.

"A Kiss Before Dying" is a mystery in the "Columbo" vein, as its more about a killer plotting and covering his tracks than about detectives trying to catch him. It starts out like a relatively straight-forward thriller about a downright evil man on a cheating-, lying-, and killing-spree in pursuit of wealth and domination over others, but there is a twist at about the halfway mark that really makes the film and that will engage all but the most jaded of viewers. It adds a whole new level of nastiness to the already vile character of Bud Corliss.

I've never seen Robert Wagner in a role like this before, and he's great in it. In fact, this is true of the entire cast. Joanne Woodward, as the girl whose pregnancy seals her fate is also remarkable, because her naive, starry-eyed character could so easily have been annoying if portrayed by a lesser actress. Instead, we have sympathy for her almost from outset, because it's clear that she is going to suffer a very nasty fate... and that she will never see it coming.

If you're in the mood for a classic thriller, "A Kiss Before Dying" is 95 minutes well spent.

'Blackbeard' is an okay pirate yarn

Blackbeard (2006)
Starring: Angus McFadyen, Marc Umbers, Jessica Chastain, Anthony Green, Richard Chamberlain, and Rachel Ward
Director: Kevin Connor
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Lt. Robert Maynard of British Royal Naval (Umbers) is dispatched to the Caribbean on a secret mission to hunt the feared and murderous pirate Blackbeard (McFadyen). His mission and burgeoning romance with the lovely Charlotte Ormand (Chastain) is disrupted when the corrupt colonial governor and ally of Blackbeard (Chamberlain) attempts to assassinate Maynard. Through a chain of misunderstandings, the officer finds himself accepted into Blackbeard's crew and ends up helping the pirate with his obsessive search for the legendary lost treasure of Captain Kidd.

If you're looking for a fun traditional pirate adventure tale that you can watch with the whole family, "Blackbeard" is a good choice. Originally made for the Hallmark Channel as a two-part miniseries, it has a well-paced script with just the right mix of action, romance, intrigue, cannon-fire, and swashbuckling pirate antics to please just about any viewer. The cast is also excellent, with Angus McFadyen in particular excelling as the ruthless title character. The even mix of fictional events and historical facts might make it dangerous if you're trying to use it as a shortcut for a school paper, but as a piece of entertainment is pretty good.

Although a good deal of money and effort went into the sets and costuming, this is one area where the film slips a little. Everything and everyone is just a little too clean and fresh. A little more time should have been spent on "aging" costumes and sets, and the actors should have been a little grimier and sweatier than any of them are. The lower-budgeted pirate films from Hammer Studios forty years earlier and even Alfred Hitchcock's "Jamaica Inn" from more than sixty years earlier did a better job at creating a believable 18th century environment than the production designers, costumers, and set-dressers on "Blackbeard" managed to do.

'The Specialist' isn't very special

The Specialist (1975)
Starring: Adam West, John Anderson, Ahna Capri, Marlene Schmidt, Howard Avedis, Harvey Jason, and Alvy Moore
Director: Hikmet Avedis
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A small-town attorney/political strongman (Anderson) sets out to discredit and crush a young attorney (West) who has not only set up practice in "his town," but has also stolen away one of his clients. His plan involves framing him for jury tampering using an out-of-town "specialist" (Capri)... whose specialty is seducing men.

This is a film that is a failure in almost every way. It's got a weak script that keeps drifting between being comedy to being courtroom drama to being suspense to half-assed attempts at soft-core porn, and failing utterly to succeed even in the slightest way at any of those genres. It's also indifferently filmed and flatly directed, with techniques that seem to emphasize the cheapness of the production rather than gloss over it.

But neither of those are really what damns this film to a low Three Rating, although they certainly play a part. No, it's the performance, as well as the character portrayed, by Ahna Capri, a buxom actress who enjoyed a long and successful career as a supporting player on television shows from age 13 in 1956 through her retirement from the profession in 1979. Simply put, while Capri is unquestionably beautiful, she doesn't have the screen presence to make one believe that a happily married, extremely intelligent, and extremely canny lawyer would be so dazzled by her charms to risk marriage and career just because she batted her eyes at him. While Capri certainly is attractive enough to be a "specialist" in the arena where "every body has a price" (to quote the film's tagline), the situation in this film is so unbelievable--or maybe just poorly and thinly written--that even the most willing suspension of disbelief can't make it work.

And then there's the fact it has one of the worst endings I've ever been subjected to. While it's kinda-sorta set up earlier in the film, it still feels completely unsatisfying and so badly motivated that one wonders if it didn't come about by Adam West saying, "Look, my contract says I'm DONE with this shoot in 20 minutes... and believe me, I am going to be DONE and all of you are going to be in my review mirror in 25 minutes!"

I guess it says something about the film's watchability that I got to the end, but the only reasons for that was a hope that it was about to get better every time it shifted genres, the fact that Adam West is almost always entertaining, and a rather nice bit of acting from former Miss Germany Marlene Schmidt as West's fiercely devoted wife. Schmidt was like a shining light in the darkness whenever she appeared on screen, giving a far better performance than this film deserved.

'Four Robbers' is a worth stealing(but only worth paying for if its cheap)

Four Robbers (1987)
Starring: Charlie Cho, Feng Ku, and Hon Shek
Director: Gam Loi Sung
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Four ruthless criminals from the Chinese mainland make it big in Hong Kong by violently robbing organized crime figures. They are soon find themselves in a maze of deceit and betrayal, as both the underworld and the law hunt them.

"Four Robbers" has the makings of a decent low-budget action film with several nicely staged gun battles. However, it is done in by the director's seeming inability to know when to end a scene; there are very few in the film that don't so much end as drag to painful conclusions. The plot is also somewhat over-complicated with one major development being completely nonsensical and the very definition of "doing something the hard way".

There are also several elements give rise to unintended comedy, first and foremost of these being the humorless, sanctimonious leader of the four robbers who frequently prattles on about responsibility, honor and paying his own debts while planning robberies and murders. This character would be utterly laughable if not for the fact that the actor who plays him is the only performer in the film who displays any real screen presence and for the way that he follows through on his prattle when he has to rescue his fellow robbers from the Thai police. (Even if that rescue becomes unintentionally funny as well.)

And then there's the dubbing. It's actually rather well done as far as the lines matching the action and making some degree of sense, but many of the voices are so goofy that one has to wonder what the director of the voice actors must have been thinking. (My guess is, "let's cover the fact that we've got three male actors and one woman doing voices for 10-15 recurring characters." The voices for the Thai police officers are especially hilarious.)

"Four Robbers" may be one of hundreds of mediocre Hong Kong action films, and as such, it's one you can probably safely ignore. It doesn't seem to be available on DVD anywhere but in the "Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack", and when taken as part of that package, it's inoffensive filler. In fact, for the right buyer, it might even be a plus, as it's got just the right mix of flaws, unintended comedy, and silly voice acting to make it a good candidate for a Bad Movie Night.

'Infernal Street' is not worth visiting

Infernal Street (1973)
Starring: Yui Tin-Lung and Feng Chang
Director: Chiang Shen
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

When a doctor in rural northern China starts a program at his health clinic to help opium addicts kick the habit, the local Japanese crime syndicate decides to shut him down. They didn't count on his hotheadeded young assistant (who also happens to be a kick-ass martial artist) who hates drugs as much as he hates the Japanese.

"Infernal Street" is an obscure martial arts flick that is deserving of obscurity. It's got a badly conceived script with bad guys who love violence as much as they love nonsensical, overly complicated schemes (like the one where they frame Our Hero for murder, only to have fake cops arrest him and take him to their headquarters). The terrible voice actors in the dubbed version included in the "Martial Arts" pack only make an already bad film worse.

The only two things "Infernal Street" has going for it are the decent martial arts fights and a fairly charismatic male lead who is interesting to watch. These elements keep the film from sinking to a rating of 3, but only just. This film is nothing but filler in this set, and it's one you can save until after you've watched the good ones.

Hitman Double-feature with John Cusack

Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
Starring: John Cusack, Minnie Driver, and Dan Aykroyd
Director: George Armitage
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

Martin Blank (Cusack) is a professional hitman who has grown disenchanted with his career choice. When he attends his 10-year high school reunion and reconnects with roots and childhood sweetheart, Debi (Driver), he decides to quit the life for good. But he first has to deal with some loose ends, such as Grocer (Ackroyd), a rival hitman who wants Blank to join the hitman union he's organizing; a killer out to avenge a dead hunting dog; and the last job that will let him start his new life.

"Grosse Pointe Blank" is a hilarious black comedy that constrast internationally renowned assassins with common everyday events and people--Blank's secretary and business manager sums up the film nicely when she explains why she finds the invite to his 10th high school reunion funny, because it shows that he "came from somewhere."

While the movie does confirm the adage "you can never go home again"--like when Blank discovers his childhood home is gone and replaced by a mini-mart--it does give a nice message about second chances and that it's never too late to pick a new and better path in life. This running thread gives both the film and the character of Martin Blank a dimension that many films being made decade plus are lacking, because they either all seem to present a world that is hopeless or one of easy answers; while "Grosse Pointe Blank" is ultimately about hope and positive change, it also makes a clear point that there are no easy solutions to life's big problems.

All the actors give great performances, the dialogue is sharp and funny; and the technical aspects are all pretty close to perfect, including the music soundtrack (although I'm sure some may complain that a realistic fight scene between Blank and an assassin stalking him is "lame"). The upbeat, casual atmosphere that permeates the fllm is also something that adds to the overall amusing quality, given what Martin Blank and many of the other characters to do a living.

I recommend this film highly to anyone who enjoys dark comedies that rely on wit over gross-outs.


War, Inc. (2008)
Starring: John Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, Joan Cusack, Ben Kingsley, Dan Aykroyd, and Montel Williams
Director: Joshua Seftel
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

A high-priced hitman (Cusack) finds himself strangely bothered by his conscience when a job in wartorn Turaqistan brings him in contact with a troubled Turaqi pop idol (Duff) and a crusading reporter (Tomei).

"War, Inc." is a satire dealing with everything that's wrong with the way America has been waging war over the past decade or so while also taking jabs at the lazy media and the hypocrites on all sides of the "clash of cultures" between the Western world and that dominated by followers of Islam.

The film is an unofficial sequel to "Grosse Pointe Blank", with John Cusack and Joan Cusack reprising their characters from that film--even if they are going by different names. The Walt Disney Company which owns the rights to "Grosse Point Blank", would not allow the filmmakers to use the characters from the original film, so they renamed everyone... but Martin Blank is still Martin Blank, even if it's 20 years later and he's going by a different name.

Although the film is a little too gentle with most of the targets it skewers, it's well acted, well filmed and well paced. It's also very funny--except perhaps to journalists, self-serving politicians, international businessmen, self-important people from any country that ends in -stan, and trade show organizers. The rest of us will have an okay time, even if we will often find ourselves wondering why the filmmakers didn't push that joke a little further or why they seem timid when firing at certain targets.

It's not a perfect film, but it deserves more attention that it's gotten. It certainly didn't deserve to crash as hard financially as it did.

"War Inc." reportedly cost $10 million to make, but it barely cleared $500,000 during its run in theaters and it hasn't done much better on DVD. Given the many craptacular films with similar themes that preceded it in theaters at the time--anti-American propaganda garbage and hamfisted anti-war films like "Redacted" and "Lions for Lambs"--I'm not surprised no one bothered with this fun and clever movie, myself included.

If you liked "Grosse Pointe Blank" or if you're a fan of John Cusack and/or Marisa Tomei, you need to seek this movie out before it falls into complete obscurity. You won't regret it.