Yesterday Van Damme... today Seagal!

This is a hilarious short film that sells beer while having Steven Seagal poke fun at the fact that for years has been playing parts that he hasn't been fit for in years. ("Are you the only 26 year old who has never lied?" his idiot friend asks him at one point.) And the plot isn't any more far-fetched than some of those in Seagal's real movies.

This ad ranks among Seagal's best work in years. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for "Sheep Impact".

Craig: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Seagal: "No, I'm thinking normal human thoughts."

'Submerged' shouldn't have been allowed to rise

Submerged (2005)
Starring: Steven Seagal and Christine Adams
Director: Anthony Hickox
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Commander Cody (Seagal) and his misfit Special Forces submarine crew are released from a Navy brig so they can assault the stronghold of an international criminal who has somehow managed to assassinate a U.S. ambassador. Treachery is piled upon treachery, and Cody and his crew find themselves fighting against a foe who can turn even the firmest friend into an enemy through a flawless brainwashing technique.

There are some movies that are just plain bad, and "Submerged" is one of them. It's got a nonsensical script that is so badly paced and so flimsy in its motivations that it manages to sap even unintentional humor from the notion of a collection of action movie stock characters who conduct secret missions that rely on stealing submarines to be successfully concluded. The most remarkable thing about the movie is how pathetic the submarine sets are, given how central the submarine is to the first half of the movie (which, by the way, has virtually nothing to do with the second half). I would very much like to have the hour-and-a-half I wasted on thismovie back.

On the other hand, I should have realized that any film we're expected to take seriously by writers with so little self-respect and producers and directors so dumb that they'd let the main character be named Commander Cody couldn't possibly be any good. It's too bad really. There was a time when Seagal starred in fun cheesy movies instead of awful ones.

'Marked for Death' is a good Seagal movie

Marked for Death (1990)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Keith Davis, and Basil Wallace
Director: Dwight H. Little
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Recently retired DEA undercover agent John Hatcher (Seagal) is drawn into a conflict with a Jamaican drug lord (Wallace) when an old friend (Davis) comes to him for help. But when it appears the drug gang wields true supernatural powers born from voodoo rituals--rituals that are soon targeted at Hatcher and his family--will this "one last job" prove too much for Hatcher to handle?

"Marked for Death" is a fast-paced action film revolving around the usual neigh-invulnerable Steven Seagal kick-ass character. Everything in it is over the top, but it all adds up to great fun and lots of mindless mayhem. If you enjoy your action heroes with a side of late 1980s Batman-esque comic book violence (where criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, and supernatural occurrences may or may not be clever hoaxes) you're going to get a big kick out of this film as it careens from set-piece fight to set-piece fight, with a few well-staged chase scenes and car crashes in between. The film offers no great surprises for experienced action movie fans, but everything here is competently done.

The cast all do a fine job in their roles, none of which required great range but almost all of which were physically demanding. Stars Keith Davis is decent as the stouthearted sidekick; Basil Davis manages to exude some serious menace as the drug lord voodoo priest, with enough physical presence and charisma that viewers can feel like Seagal's character is in danger of losing the big final battle; and Steven Seagal is still at the top of his game in this film, fit and trim enough to both be believable as a martial arts expert and able to do his own fight scenes and stunts.

If you've never seen some of Seagal's older movies--but have only been subjected to the increasingly bloated version of him that's been lumbering across screens since 1996 forward--you should check out this movie. It's a great example of what those who speak fondly of him and his movies are thinking of when they do so.

Trivia: The 2003 Seagal vehicle "Belly of the Beast" follows almost the exact same plot as this movie, playing out like an incoherent remake of "Marked for Death", complete with Voodoo-wielding villains. Click here to read my review.

Steven Seagal embarrasses himself again

Belly of the Beast (2003)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Byron Mann, Monica Lo, Tom Wu, and Sara Malakul Lane
Director: Tony Ching
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

One-time CIA operative Jake Hopper (Seagal) travels to Thailand to rescue his daughter (Lane) who is being held for ransom by militants. He runs head-long into intrigues involving rogue military officers, corrupt CIA agents, and an evil sorcerer.

"Belly of the Beast" is a paint-by-numbers action flick that borrows and steals from any number of superior films. I'm not sure there's a single frame in it that isn't cribbed from somewhere, except perhaps the bit where a monastery full of Buddhist monks get together to unite their spiritual force and attempt to slay the evil Thai voodoo priest who is targeting their good buddy Jake Hooper with his voodoo dolls and chants. (It also happens to be one of the dumber moments in the movie. I know Buddhism is a big tent, but does it really have room for an entire monastery of monks who violate one of the most basic preciepts of Buddhism, that being "you will not take a human life"?)

Being unoriginal isn't necessarily bad. The recent hit movie "Machete"--which features Steven Seagal in a supporting role as the main villain--owes everything to 1970s blacksploitation films, and it's a great deal of fun. Sometimes, turning off the brain and just watching things explode isn't all that bad.

"Belly of the Beast" had the potential to be a movie like that, but that potential is sapped away by the presence of a weak, overweight, and generally unhealthly looking Steven Seagal. The fact that he is past his physical prime and out of shape--perhaps even ill--is made all the more obvious by the scenes he shares with sidekick Byron Mann. Mann is the young, physically fit actor that Seagal USED to be twenty years ago, and Mann doesn't need stand-ins and creative camera angles to make it look like he is doing his fight scenes, because he actually is doing his fight scenes.


Actually, this film would have been a far-sight more watchable if Mann had been the hero on a quest to free his kidnapped daughter and Seagal being the sidekick recruited out of retirement in a Buddhist monastery. Mann in the lead and Seagal as the sidekick would have fixed this film's worst problems. It might even have made the plot line with the barmaid falling head-over-heels in love with the dashing hero who rescues her believable. (Of course, the different casting would not have allowed broken down old fat guys like me to imagine us in Steven Seagal's shoes... "wow, if he can get a hot chick, then so can I!" Nor would we have been treated to teenaged girls in short-shorts and bikini tops, as any daugther Mann's character might have would be entirely too young for such displays. But I think it would have been a fair trade-off to avoid yet another sad spectacle of Steven Seagal humiliating himself.)

With a new decade upon us, I think maybe that Steven Seagal has FINALLY taken the hard look at himself and his career that he should have taken back in 2000. The role his plays in "Machete" is far more suitable for his physical condition and appearance these days--even if he had to play at being the bad-ass there, too. Maybe now, he will start settling into supporting roles and stop making those of us who liked his films in the early 1990s look upon him with pity.

'Machete' is a well-made exploitation retread

Machete (2010)
Starring: Danny Trejo, Jeff Fahey, Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro, Cheech Marin, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, and Steven Seagal
Directors: Ethan Maniquis and Robert Rodriguez
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

A former Mexican police officer (Trejo) is betrayed by corrupt superiors to a powerful drug kingpin (Seagal). He ultimately flees to the United States, crossing the border secretly and disappears into the semi-hidden underworld of illegal aliens. Yet, Fate draws him into conflict with the drug lord once again, when a sinister political operative on his pay-roll(Fahey) attempts to make him a patsy in a staged assassination of a state senator whose career is in trouble (Di Nero).


This seems to be the summer of throwbacks. First there was "Predators", the movie that took the "Most Dangerous Game"-hunting aliens back to their jungle roots. Then there was "The Expendables", which set out to recreate the feel of a late 1980s action flick. And now there's "Machete", a film that casts itself in the mold of a 1970s exploitation flicks. While there hasn't really been much new under the sun since circa 1965, I don't know that "hey, we have nothing original to offer!" has ever been quite such a marketing point.

Not that it's necessarily bad, at least in the specific cases of the three films mentioned above. All three succeed quite well at what they set out to do--which was to be entertaining yet not-terribly-original action films. So long as the movies are good, and the audience is warned up front that there's nothing fresh between the main title card and the end credits crawl, I have no issue with them being derivative.

And "Machete" is about as derivative as they come. It's like one of the sleazier blaxploitation flicks where small-time hoods or drug-pushers were glorified and set up as if they were heroic figures, because, in this one particular story, they were actually pitted against bigger scum-bags than they were--more evil criminals and corrupt politicians and cops. (And the only way I could fully root for The Network, the group dedicated to smuggling illegal aliens across the United States border with Mexico and find them crap jobs just one step up from slavery, so a select few might be able to work their way into a decent living, is to ignore the fact that the reason they come into conflict with Steven Seagal's drug kingpin is the detail offered in passing that The Network itself is funded by illegal drug smuggling and the money generated by it.)

As for the acting, it's also in line with what you'd expect in a movie derived from the 1970s exploitation/blaxploitation films. Almost everyone is being overly dramatic and chewing up the scenery to a degree that would have you rolling your eyes if they were doing it in any other kind of movie.

Robert Di Nero, Jeff Fahey, Michelle Rodriguez, and Danny Trejo--even if that last one goes without saying--all give over-the-top performances that are in perfect keeping with the genre. Cheech Marin, Don Johnson (even if I'm not sure I get the "introducing Don Johnson" joke in the credits), and Steven Seagal are also fun to watch, each giving performances of the kind we know they're capable based on some of their best previous work. Heck, the directors even manage to make Seagal look good, even if it's plain to the sharp observer that he isn't doing much in the way of physical activity; he was probably wise in choosing this project over Stallone's as he gets to have a big dramatic final scene. Maybe he'll be smart and trade in the acting for strictly behind-the-scenes functions... we can almost see the old Steven Seagal--the guy who was in "Marked For Death" and "Under Siege"--in the performance he gives here. It would be nice if he would let this stand as his final acting job.


Of the major featured players, only Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan disappoint.

Perhaps I can't say that Alba disappoints, because she is as good here as she was the last time I saw her, in "The Love Guru." But she's completely out of place. Alba seems to be the only performer who isn't "playing to the gallery," who isn't going way over the top. Her performance would be far better suited on an episode of "Law & Order" than this film. (Actually, as I think about it, the only time I remember really liking Alba in a part was "Into the Blue". Maybe all the bare flesh addled the brain?)

As for Lohan, she serves no purpose in the film other than to appear as a slutty character that seems to fit right in with the image she's developed over the past few years. It's the sort of part the likes of John Carradine took during the 1970s at the end of his career, parts that were little more than glorified cameos, parts that didn't add anything to the film but merely traded on Carradine's name. The film would have been better without Lohan's character, because it adds nothing except the opportunity for everyone to chuckle at Lohan and perhaps reflect on wasted potential.

The only other problem with the film is uneven, choppy pacing. There are times, usually during or leading up to unimpressive scenes with Lohan and Alba, where the film drags. Sometimes these slow points arise from badly conceived comic relief (such as the two security guards exchanging sage views on Mexican gardeners), and other times they are pointless scenes of expository dialogue that I'm sure the writers and directors believed were "character development" (such as when Alba's I.C.E. agent character finds The Network's headquarters) but whenever they occur, you will start to be very bored and wish that the film would get back to the shootings and stabbings.

Speaking of shooting and stabbings, this is ANOTHER movie that features computer-generated blood-splatter. It even features computer generated bullet impacts--and badly matched bullet impacts at that, as we're shown the top of a church pew get riddled with bullets in one shot, yet no pews are damaged in later ones. The effects are a little less obvious than they were in the low-budget films that pioneered this technique (or in recent big-budget ones like "The Expendables" or "MacGruber"), but you can still tell cartoon gore from old-fashioned syrup-spray.

Bottom line, this is not a perfect movie. Then again, neither were the films it is trying to emulate... even if those old timers could probably have made 20 movies on the budget of this single film. It's worth checking out if you enjoy blaxploitation flicks--because that's what this is exactly like, only with Mexican illegal aliens and others of Mexican descent standing in for the black characters.





Fun Fact: Exactly 20 years ago, Steven Seagal's character beat the hell out of Danny Trejo's character in the opening scene of "Marked For Death". This has been a rematch long in the making.

Early Seagal is the Best Seagal

Hard to Kill (aka "Seven Year Storm") (1990)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Kelly Lebrock, Frederick Coffin, Charles Boswell, Branscombe Richmond, and William Sadler
Director: Bruce Malmuth
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Police Detective Mason Storm (Seagal) and his family are gunned by a crooked cops doing the bidding of an even more crooked politician (Sadler). Emerging from a coma after seven years, Storm trains himself back to health with the help of a kindhearted nurse (Le Brock). He then picks up where he left off--going about blowing open the conspiracy that has now elevated cops and politicians to places of great power, while seeking some revenge along the way.


"Hard to Kill" to one of Steven Seagal's best movies, and it's proof that somewhere along the way his career went off the rails. It's a nicely paced, well-written, and well-acted action film that, while a bit goofy at times, is a great ride. Just don't think too hard during one or two sequences.

Seagal and Le Brock both give some of the best performances of their careers, and the supporting cast does a nice job as well. The fight scenes are mostly well done, and the one-liners uttered by Seagal during the film's climactic orgy of revenge, blood, and ass-kicking are more grim than funny... something that I appreciate now that I'm older and wiser. (I also found myself feeling sorry that the beautiful house Storm conveleses in is destroyed--I don't know if that's a sign that I'm getting old, or that accidental exposure to Tinky Winky while working at a PBS affliate turned me gay!)

If you're a fan of action movies, take a look at "Hard to Kill". It's from a time when Steven Seagal appeared in good movies.

'Half Past Dead' is enjoyable crap

Half Past Dead (2002)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Ja Rule, Morris Chestnut, Kurupt, Nia Peeples, Bruce Weitz, and Claudia Christian
Director: Don Michael Paul
Steve's Rating: Five of Ten Stars

There are some films that I know are crap, yet I enjoy watching them for one reason or another. "Half Past Dead" is one of those.

In "Half Past Dead", FBI agent Sasha Petrosevitch (Seagal) goes undercover in a brand-new, hi-tech prison and runs afoul a plot to break out a deathrow inmate (Weitz) who knows the location of 200 million dollars of stolen gold.



The story is far-fetched and highly illogical in the way it unfolds, the action sequences thrilling but unrealistic to the point where they become goofy, the dialogue is awful, and the acting is even worse. (Steven Seagal should have done more movies more movies with rappers who are trying to pass themselves off as actors... they make him look like he's delivering an Oscar-worthy performance.)

This is a rediculous action movie any way you look at it, but I have a great time whenever I watch it.


The film will also forever hold a soft spot in my heart, because it was the first time I had a firm visual for what it looks like when some near-human aliens from my long-running "Star Wars Roleplaying Game" campaign gets into a fight. I will never tire of watching the Nia Peeples wire-fu scene for that reason.

"Half Past Dead" is highly recommended if you're looking to add an action film to the line-up of a Bad Movie Night... but it's not good for much else. The Five Rating it's getting is a very low Five.

While this was a better film that "On Deadly Ground", it's still pretty damn awful, and it was another rung in the ladder that brought reduced him to direct-to-DVD stardom. (Seagal likes to blame an FBI investigation, but the blame is found far closer to home than he probably wants to admit.)

Steven Seagal is... the REAL Iron Chef!

Under Seige (1992)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey, Colm Meany, and Erika Eleniak
Director: Andrew Davis
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When a US Navy battleship and its nuclear weapons are stolen by terrorists and their ex-CIA leader (Jones), only former Navy SEAL Casey Ryback turned ships' cook (Seagal) to stop them and save the day.


"Under Seige" is a film that I love--and which many cite as Seagal's very best--but the "world's deadliest, crankiest cook" character that he plays here makes me smile every time I consider it.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, because it's played up as a gag in the film, too. All-in-all, this film has a lighter touch than most Seagal movies, even if the action is fast and furious, the violence brutal, and the stakes very high--Ryback is up against crazy people with nukes at their disposal.

"Under Seige" is a fun action film with a clever script, good fight scenes, and appropriately dastardly villains. Tommy Lee Jones is particularly great fun to watch, and he and Seagal have a nice interplay in what scenes they have together.

As many jokes as this film gives rise to, it is one that fans of action movies owe it to themselves to see. It's an excellent film and everyone involved with it was at the top of their game.

Corpulent Seagal faces 'Black Dawn'

Black Dawn (aka "The Foreigner 2") (2005)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Tamara Davies, Nicholas Davidoff, and Timothy Carhart
Director: Alexander Gruszynski
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

When CIA agent Amanda Stuart (Davies) sees her supposedly dead mentor Jonathan Cold (Seagal) show up with a armsdealer meeting with a crazed Muslim rebel (Davidoff), she knows something very big and very bad is coming down. But little did she know that soon she and Jonathan would be battling both terrorists and renegade CIA agents bent on detonating a nuke in downtown Los Angeles.


"Black Dawn" is absolutely, totally predictable; it's decently acted, with okay stunts, but there's nothing you haven't seen done better elsewhere. What's more, the cast is too small for there to ever be any doubt as to the identitiy of the traitor within the CIA. Then, to add insult to injury, we don't even get treated to decent fight scenes.

I don't know if Seagal is too old or too fat (and I know I'm not one to criticize someone for packing on the pounds come middle-age... I've turned into a true porker over the past five years) or if he may have been sick during the two-week schedule I assume this cheap quickie must have had, but not only were all three of the potential fight scenes over virtually before they started, they were done using stand-ins!

Yes, iconic Akido tough guy Seagal--the guy who in an interview on the DVD of "Black Dawn" talks about how he was in hundreds of fights before he lost one--doesn't do a single one of his fight scenes in this film. In fact, the stand-ins aren't built like Seagal (one doesn't even have similar hair, and we're treated to several seconds of the back of his head!) and there doesn't even seem to be an attempt to match the style he used when he DID do his own fight scenes.

I wonder if "Black Dawn" spells the end of Seagal's career. He's not really much of an actor, and if he can't do his own fight scenes, what's left? Maybe it's time for him to move behind the cameras and let others star in films that he produces? (On the other hand, he could well have been sick. There are several scenes where he seems to be carrying himself strangely, particularly with the way he crosses his arms.)

Sheesh... I seem to be going on about Seagal... but that's because I ran out of things to say about the movie in the second paragraph, and because I think he's done some pretty good action flicks (like "Hard to Kill", "Under Seige", "Half Past Dead" and even "The Foreigner"), and it's a bit sad to see him go out on such a pathetic note, if that is indeed what's happening.

If you want to see a fairly generic, relatively low-budget action flick with some sorry blue-screen shots, you want to pick up "Black Dawn." If you're looking for a good Steven Seagal flick, stay away from this one. You'll be very dissapointed.

One of Seagal's best in years is still weak

Urban Justice (aka "Renegade Justice") (2007)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Eddie Griffin, Carmen Serano, and Kirk B.R. Woller
Director: Don E. FauntLeroy
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A violent man with a mysterious past, Simon Ballester (Seagal), moves into the worst area of Los Angeles' gang dominated neighborhoods so he can locate and kill the gangbangers who gunned down his police officer son. As he investigates (kicking copious ass as he goes), he discovers the truth about his son's death was far more than just another random gang shooting.


"Urban Justice" is one of the Steven Seagal's better movies in recent years. He's playing a character whose background and style is suitable to his age and bulk; he's working with a director, fight choreographer, and cinematographer who understand how to set up a scene so it looks like Seagal is actually doing some martial arts-so we avoid the embarrasingly obvious stunt doubles who have made him seem to laughable in recent years; and the script gives him some fairly decent lines to deliver... the way Simon Ballester so calmly and good-humoredly discusses death and violence is both funny and chilling.

However, Seagal's lines and the way fight scenes are filmed are just about the only decent thing about the flickhow to shoot a scene. Everything else is Standard Issue Direct-to-DVD Low-Budget Action Film Cliches, with the villains being of a kind we've so many times before they are uninteresting even after the scope of their evil ways has been revealed. The film also suffers from a problem all-too-common in one written by writers who are lazy or of limited talent--every character sounds like every other character, a grave sin in film-writing where characters are defined to a degree by what they say and how they say it. To make matters worse, the writers here also seemed to be shooting for some sort of record for how many times the word "fuck" was used in a single screenplay. I've no doubt that many people are so inarticulate that they say things like "I'm gonna fuck that fuckin' fuck the fuck up!", but to have an entire city full of them gets tiresome. And it dragged the movie down from a rating of 4 to a rating of 5.

If a little more effort had been put into developing the script's story and giving the actors better lines to say, this film could have risen to the level of the projects Seagal did in his glory days--the director and photgrapher certainly did great jobs, and Segal was better here than he's been in a while.

Maybe, just maybe, he's done embarrassing himself, and we can start enjoying his movies again

'The Glimmer Man' is beginning of end for Seagal

The Glimmer Man (1996)
Starring: Steven Seagal, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Bob Gunton, and Johnny Strong
Director: John Gray
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A Bhuddist New York City homicide detective with a mysterious past (Seagal) and his street-smart, wise-cracking Los Angeles counterpart (Wayans) form an uneasy partnership as they persue a serial killer known as the Family Man, because he viciously butchers entire households.


"The Glimmer Man" is a film with a "Lethal Weapons" vibe that also anticipates the "Rush Hour" films with its structure and mixture of martial arts and (partially racially based) humor. Unfortunately, it's dragged down by jokes that simpy aren't funny, action sequences that leave alot to be desired, and lead characters that are just too close to being cliched carticatures to be enjoyable. To make it a perfect storm of crapitude, the film also has an unneccesarily complex script into which the writer apparently felt obligated to draw every single bad guy and sinister organization that you'd expect to find in an action flick from the late 1980s and early 1990s--street gangs, organized crime, serial killers, the CIA, FBI... probalby even the PTA if you look close enough. Too many players in the story cause it to be a muddled mess beyond the writer's meager talen to control.

It's actually a shame that the script isn't better, because this is the last movie where we'll see Steven Seagal in full fighting trim. He has a couple of okay fight scenes, and he actually doesn't do that bad a job with what he has to work with. The same is partially true about Wayans, although while Seagal's character shows the occassional twinkle of charm, Wayans character is just obnoxious from the get-go, and never rises above that state.

"The Glimmer Man" is the demarcation line between the Mostly Good Seagal Movies and the Mostly Crappy Seagal Movies. It's a point beyond which you should not pass if you want to remember when he still had a shot at a respectable acting career.